Tag Archives: Eating Disorders

Feb 24 2013

Weekend :(

 

Yeah, this weekend sucked just as much as the whole of last week did and the ones before it… all of them.

In fact all of 2013 altogether sucks.

I got up at 7am yesterday worked through all the paperwork ready for this ‘4 hour phone call’ from the bank.

I sat and waited.

And waited.

It never came.

I ended up ringing the bank up to try and track who was supposed to ring me. Seeing as our branch was closed I spoke to a gentleman on the phone and he couldn’t work out anything either. So I ran down to our bank and it was indeed closed.

All the time, I’m getting more and more frustrated with them.

Get’s back home and I rang the southport branch. I spoke to a lovely lady who tried her utmost to help me out. She got in touch with the mortgage advise team who couldn’t find this ‘supposed appointment’ and then when we started to go through the paperwork they wanted to deal with my mum and only my mum.

The whole idea behind going into the bank to start the ball rolling was so that the person who rang me would speak to me. As my mum had just finished 4 12 hour shifts and couldn’t foucs to talk to anyone.

So, I’m even more frustrated then, because the guy on the phone then can’t deal with the application as all the other opperatives and appointments were taken for the day. We would have to make another appointment where mum could deal with it all. And it wouldn’t be for another two weeks.

Now I’m getting beyond frustrated I am very angry now. And I tell him this isn’t on. We’ll have waited a whole month to start this. No way. So I basically said we’d talk about it and decide later. I said good bye.

The lovely lady from Southport rang me back in the afternoon to ask how it had gone. 🙂 I told her how dissapointed I was with the whole company and she promised she would try and get me an appointment to speak with their branch mortgage advisor this week. We’ll see she is going to ring me back tomorrow.

——————————-

In other news, the baby koi are coming around really well. But the big fish didn’t look so hot so in feeding them today. My best fish wouldn’t eat. Defo not like her.

Microscope out. Couldn’t get a scrape from the top of the fish, in turning it over noticed some raised scales and took a scrape from there.

Costia….

Again…..

Trying my best now to get the pond temp up so that I can treat them with meds. Not going to happen till Tues I don’t think.  Then might have to hit them again over the weekend. We’ll see how they deal with the pp this time around I know the sorogori didn’t like it so might have to isolate her and treat the others.

Will also have to keep an eye on the sanke and his raised scales. PP and then couple of salt baths will help there I think. There was no major redness but they were defo sticking out a bit. It will only get worse if left alone. And don’t want that.

I have been beaten down so much this last few weeks. I’m going to crack.

I have heartburn and acid indigestion all the time. I’m stressed to the hilt and it’s taking it’s toll on everything.

I told Paul last week that I was going to see the doctor about it. I am going to have to see the doctor about this overwhelming spit of depression that has lasted for 6 mths or more and isn’t lifting either.  I am going to request going back on anti-depressants for the time being.

I already asked in work could I possibly take a little time off to deal with the mortgage issue and appointments. Mum is off work Thurs and Fri so I am going to aim to get as much in then as possible. Including the docs.

This is a really testing time for me. I’ve not allowed myself too much time to process everything. And I’m on the brink of it really turning nasty.

I don’t want it too…

So, I’m making the steps so tackle it. Before it goes all pear shaped.

I won’t be beaten and I’ll bounce back. But I think I need a little help at the moment. I’m not afraid to ask, so I will.

Trying to edit at the moment is also like hitting my head against a brick wall. I know I am feeling bad when I lose the will to write or edit something that I love.

I was hoping this year was going to be a good one. It certainly hasn’t started off so great. sigh….

Catch you soon.

Dawn x x

Feb 23 2013

Stress and ED

So this last couple of weeks have been the utmost stressful. ( I am staying positive) honest…. 🙂

I wanted to reflect this morning while I had time on that. So here I go. Apologies to anyone stressing out at the moment. But these thoughts are sort of sticking out at the moment. And need to be ‘gotten rid of’ I can process my ED brain much easier with writing, than I can inside my own head.

So verbal splurge here I come. It may not even make sense to anyone, but me. But that is how it is. 🙂

I do have a good few friends who I am proud to say are also in recovery alongside me. And I have those who still struggle. Sometimes it is hard to read what they’re going through but they supported me through bad times and I will always be there for them through theirs.

In chatting to someone this morning about ED I did realise that these last few weeks have also heard my ED voices shouting louder.

Recovery is a great thing, I love life and want to do everything and anything. I want to be free of the pain and suffering an Eating Disorder can bring.

It is very tough though. Glad to say I am a fighter.

I’ve done very well since Christmas in getting my blood pressure and weight back under some control. But in being asked to lose weight freaks me out. Ed screams at me to return to him and then it becomes a constant battle to fight him off.

This last two weeks I’ve had so much on my plate that I’ve not had chance to really think about how it has tried to sneak back in.

Funny though, that stress leads to an ED sufferer wanting to start to regain control through the one thing they know will ultimately crash their entire world again.

With everything going on in my life at the moment. I do however have plenty of positive things. It isn’t all stressful. And I think, that the positive side of my life out balances ED’s tremendous effort to grab a hold again. I am very grateful for that.

I am throwing out old diaries and posting everything to here that is relevant.

Here is an old poem. Written in 2010.

I can’t imagine a life without you,

you rule my head, filling me with dread.

I can’t imagine why you hurt me so,

the inner pain won’t ever go.

I’ve fought you long, I’ve fought you hard,

you’re like over burnt toast, black and charred.

My head hurts, my heart aches,

the tiniest crack and your back to attack.

The pain I cause myself so bad, all I feed is sad.

to want this year to end,

to blend with all others,

to start afresh, not be hiding in this terrible flesh.

Apt for how I’m feeling right now. Although it is a new year. And so far many plus and minuses… 🙂

Outlook is positive though, keeping on keeping on.

Stay safe all…. and feel free to ignore these ramblings.

Feb 8 2013

Something BIG is coming…

Eeek. 

 

It is called a mortgage meeting… 

 

I am so scared. It’s time we reworked and sorted out our future. For all four of us. Those that live here, my mum, me, hubby and my mum’s hubby… we have to make sure we can stay and we’re not put at risk. 

 

😦 I am scared, I am nervous. ED is beating me over the head. I am drinking more than I should. 😦 so not good… 

 

I am human, with faults and all. 

 

Love ya… 

 

D

Jan 31 2013

Doctors and Editing :)

Great combo. huh… 😦

Oh well, so I’m due back to the docs today for another BP check and weigh in, I’m not so happy about it, but hey ho.

It is really, really difficult to keep healthy and work in the job I am. But more so, it is really, really difficult to not return to old behaviours.

I am hoping that I have lost a little, although I’ve tried not to really stress over it, this last couple of weeks at home have been difficult. And it has also been difficult to keep to a healthy regime. When there is a nice bacon butty staring you in the face, kinda hard to go for a turkey one.

Had my second session with E.J last night, it went very well. She’s a lovely teacher and I admire her for doing the job she does.

I learned so much more about how and why I write as I do. I’ve always known I write things backwards, well working at my paragraphs yesterday also showed that. I get things in the wrong order and need to really address the point of each paragraph for its merit.

So, changes that I’ve been making are good, but I also saw another different way of working through some things too.

I’m going to give it another go on my next 10 pages or so, and then see how I’m progressing again.

Homework too, is to read a dictionary. Need to buy one first. lol.

Hope you all are having a fab day, and lets hope the nurse goes easy on me… and that my BP is okay.

Dawn x

 

Edit….  Lost the required amount of weight, 🙂 Not so sure if I am happy though. Blood  pressure is down. I am happy about that. 🙂

Jan 26 2013

Why Private? :(

Okay, so this will be pretty short. I’ve made my blog private for now, I might keep it that way. I am unsure at the moment and it will depend on how many people will still follow me.

I guess we’ll see how it goes. But attention from a couple of sources that I don’t want has discouraged me from posting about ‘certain’ subjects.

Eating disorders are tough to deal with. I know this, but I’m no doctor either. One reason why I didn’t ever put ‘Lost Innocence’ on youtube. It’s triggering and it can be abused.

I don’t want my blog to be abused, By anyone.

Cyber stalking and bullying are ripe. But no matter, I left my blog open for a while hoping that it would stop, but it clearly isn’t. So for now, only certain people can have access.

Post for you later.

Dawn x