30/06/04

30/06/2005

Hi,

I wanted to write you this as you took the time to reply to my last post.

I don’t really understand where it came from all those feelings, but I have realised that I really do need to get some outside help even if it is just to talk over everything properly and get it all off my chest. It may have been a post that upsets some, and I know I can’t hid from everything in my past I must face it, not lock it away, otherwise it will just resurface again, and I dont want that.

Any ed illness comes with a lot of baggage, emotional and pysical, some nice and then not nice.

I think that with certain material like this maybe the warning of trigger or something like that is a good idea then those more sensitive can stay away from it. Maybe you can come up with a better warning message, for certain things. I don’t know, I was going to delete it this morning when I got up feeling that no one would have had chance to read it yet, but having seen a couple of the messages back to me, feel maybe it does serve something being there, and will leave it.

I have been to see my mum today and we had a little chat about a few things, some to do with my depression and others to do with my brother, I know she’ll only tell him what I said and maybe now he’s back off his honeymoon I will get a phone call. I don’t feel I have anything to say to him, its Paul he upset really I just got in the way.

Anyway I do feel a little better now, thank you for all of your advice, and I know I will pull through this.

Take care and hope to speak to you soon. Love and hugs Dawn

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30/06/04

Bad post

Hi guys

I shouldn’t post this, but maybe it will help get things off my chest, things running round my head.

I can’t sleep at the moment and that isn’t like me.

I have bee to the doctors today, and yeah that was a good step, but it also stirred up some memories for me, things I would rather just leave in the past.

In 2000 a lot was going on for me you see, I had become friends with a guy in work, and as I was having real problems with my eating, he helped as he was there to talk to. I thought I was doing really well, I took myself off the anti depressants and Paul and I were supposed to go away on holiday to Ireland with his snooker pal Ron, but I got promoted into the office at work and the conditions was if I cancelled my holiday, which I did, but Paul still went, he was going to take my dad with him

My so called friend then declared he was in love with me, and was ok with me being married said he was happy as friends, I wanted to stop seeing him but he kept on  texting me..

Then two weeks before he was supposed to go, I came off my bike in work, and was then off with my knee injury, and when Paul went away I was then on my own, and I really couldn’t cope with that, I though I could but when it happened I couldn’t.

It was ok for the first two days there were other people in the site I could see and even my friend came up to see me, we had a talk and watched a few films, I really cant remember a lot of what was going on in my head that week, but it wasn’t good. On the Friday my friend came again, it was a bank hol and the weather was really bad, he had to get a bus home and cause it was a mile walk to the bus stop when he went I felt really bad he would get soaked, an hour and a half went by and he came back. Soaked saying the bus never came.

I don’t know whether to believe it or not now, but I let him in as it was late and agreed he could stay.  When Paul rang I told him and as you could imagine he wasn’t happy. That really upset me I felt like he couldn’t trust me, but it wasn’t me he could trust it was this strange man in his house.

Well nothing happened before you think that, I could never have done anything like that to hurt my husband. The only thing that did happen was a big black cloud came over me.

I remember going to the toilet and getting a knife, then going back to bed and cutting my wrist. It didn’t hurt, that was the only thing that scared me, not the thought of dying but the fact it felt good.

I lay there for ages and watched the sheets turn red, then thought of Paul and how selfish I was being, I then went into the living room and asked my friend to call an ambulance.

They asked loads of questions and wanted to keep me in over night, but I just wanted to go home, so asked if I could ring my mum and did so, It was 5 in the morning, she came and got me, and took us both to her house. Then took my friend home and me home.  I rang Paul up he was on the ferry home and was devastated. He took a week off work to be with me, and we talked loads of how I was feeling, but was so scared of being on my own again for the fear of what I would do I admitted myself to hospital.

I didn’t think I felt this bad but I do again. I have that fear of life, and where I am going. I feel I hate myself so much, even though I would never do that again. I am not that far from those bad thoughts, I just wish I could feel better.

I am really sorry for this, delete it if you think its too much.

sorry again I feel like such a big fool.

upsetting everyone.

take care love and hugs Dawn.

 

25/06/04

Hi everyone,

The board is quiet so just wanted to moan on in here for a while.

Well, work went down great this week, managed to fall out two people, (The alcoholic)and his friend, (Obviously cause I upset him) Plus her son is one of my brothers friends and they had to walk home last Saturday, cause of what my brother did.

He once again didn’t come into work and I ended up with his job again. Then he came in on wed, and I said to him I didn’t think I’d see him again and that’s why he fell out with me. He went to the hospital yesterday, and I asked him how he had got on and he asked me how I knew he gone, well nearly everyone knew by then. Then he asked me why I wanted to know, I said I was his friend, then he remarked that he wasn’t happy with what I had said wed morning.

I told him at least it was the truth I didn’t think I would see him again but he just shrugged me off and I went outside for my coffee.

I just don’t know what my head is thinking. I wish they would all take their problems and themselves somewhere else, leave me alone.

Any way I am off now for a few days relaxing so maybe when I get back things will have settled. Hi everyone.

Made it to the doctors today, and it was so hard I felt like a wreak, now that it is over though I do feel so much better,

Hubby Paul came with me and that was great, I had to wait 40 mins though and that just made me worse.

When I went in I just blurted it all out, didn’t even give the doctor time to speak.

He put me on some Flouroxatine, mild dose to try and lift the depression and help with the sleep.

Paul held my hand and on the way out asked me if I was ok, I wasn’t of course, but managed to keep a smile. I do feel better now, even managed a little dinner, didn’t want it but know my body needs it.

Any way I have to go back in a month to see how I am coping then he said he could refer me to a psychologist specialising in eating disorders. Then refer me on to a unit or something.

I hope I dont have to get that far and will really try to get back on track.

Wish me luck everyone, I need it, and thanks so much for all your support, at least I finally made it to see hi,

Take care and speak to you soon, love and hugs Dawn

Talk to you soon.

Love and hugs

Dawn

20/06/04

Hi,

Well the weekend was crap, will explain on another thread. As for the body wrap, my friend does them as part of her holistic therapy, you are measured everywhere, for eg my waist to start with on fri was 32inches, they draw lines on you so they know where they did it exactly and then they rub in very vigorously a body contour gel full of antitoxin fighting essential oils. Then you get wrapped in bandages. You feel like a mummy and bits stick out everywhere. Then Pat my friend wraps cling film round you as well, and then you get into a hypothermic wrap, (Like tin foil) and she puts blankets on top of you. Then you basically cook for an hour, I fell asleep. And when they take them all off and remeasure you, you can see the difference, my waist measured 31inches. It basically gets rid of excess fluid and tones up your skin, eliminating toxins with it.

If you drink water and only have a cool shower the effects can last for three days.

Hope that helps, my friend Pat really does do a good, job on wrapping you up, she has been a family friend for twenty odd years, (I still pay for the service) but she really is the best. Some of the other places don’t go to half the trouble she does, and some don’t use bandages just cling film.

Hope that helps. Take care love Dawn

20/06/2004

Hi everyone.

Just to let you know how the wedding reception went, well to start with, when we got to the first pick up there wasn’t enough people there, Steve (the best man) told me he had put the price up to £7 per head to cover the cost of the coach as there were only half being picked up, so we were in a double Decker coach, and only had 27 on in total by the time we got there, Steve had the money and he wouldn’t give it to me.

When we got into the reception it went ok, I asked my brother Chris three times to come and see Paul and sort it out about the coach, which he didn’t.

The reception went well everyone enjoyed themselves, and at the end of the night I had to ask him again for the money, Now he had enough money to pay for the coach with what was collected in, but oh no he paid the Dj £100 and only had £50 to give me, which he didn’t give me he gave my mum and asked my mum to sort something out.

I couldn’t believe it but managed to keep my cool. We dropped everyone off and as we were getting to the last stop, one of the lads asked Paul would he go off his route as they were all going back to his house for a party. Paul declined, and this lad started kicking off then saying that he’d been paid well for doing this job and that it wasn’t on, I couldn’t take any more, and I am so surprised that Paul didn’t throw him off there and then, the others were ok about it, (It was a good 15-20 min walk for them) but Paul never got anything for doing the job, if he had known there was only going to be that many then we would have gone in our car and got a taxi home. He could have enjoyed himself then.

It was a total farce, Not only has Chris now ripped his friends off, but Paul will never have him here again and I can say I don’t want him here either. He never even had the decency to come over to us and explained that he didn’t have enough money. Why? That is just so shallow. I really am disgusted with him.

And I have a good mind to post him this email just to show what he’s done to us.

Sorry for moaning, I have just finished work as well now am tired so am going for a kip, maybe online later but I don’t know.

Take care, love to you all, posted a few pictures, I am well made up with my hair cut looks really nice.

Dawn

19/06/04

Inner voices

The inner voices in my head, keep telling me to stay in bed.
Hide away where no one knows, cry forever and blow my nose.

The inner voices in my head keep telling me to starve again,
Say NO to all the things I crave, and end up in an early grave.

The inner voices in my head say lock away all my pain, and sit inside when it rains.

The inner voices in my head, keep telling me wish I were dead.

Yet I do not wish to die,
The inner voice would sometimes cry.

Fed up of all this pain and hate,

I want to open out that gate

Be strong and bold,

Knock that inner voice out cold.

Dawn Chapman. 19th June 2004.