I shouldn’t post this, but maybe it will help get things off my chest, things running round my head.
I can’t sleep at the moment and that isn’t like me.
I have bee to the doctors today, and yeah that was a good step, but it also stirred up some memories for me, things I would rather just leave in the past.
In 2000 a lot was going on for me you see, I had become friends with a guy in work, and as I was having real problems with my eating, he helped as he was there to talk to. I thought I was doing really well, I took myself off the anti depressants and Paul and I were supposed to go away on holiday to Ireland with his snooker pal Ron, but I got promoted into the office at work and the conditions was if I cancelled my holiday, which I did, but Paul still went, he was going to take my dad with him
My so called friend then declared he was in love with me, and was ok with me being married said he was happy as friends, I wanted to stop seeing him but he kept on texting me..
Then two weeks before he was supposed to go, I came off my bike in work, and was then off with my knee injury, and when Paul went away I was then on my own, and I really couldn’t cope with that, I though I could but when it happened I couldn’t.
It was ok for the first two days there were other people in the site I could see and even my friend came up to see me, we had a talk and watched a few films, I really cant remember a lot of what was going on in my head that week, but it wasn’t good. On the Friday my friend came again, it was a bank hol and the weather was really bad, he had to get a bus home and cause it was a mile walk to the bus stop when he went I felt really bad he would get soaked, an hour and a half went by and he came back. Soaked saying the bus never came.
I don’t know whether to believe it or not now, but I let him in as it was late and agreed he could stay. When Paul rang I told him and as you could imagine he wasn’t happy. That really upset me I felt like he couldn’t trust me, but it wasn’t me he could trust it was this strange man in his house.
Well nothing happened before you think that, I could never have done anything like that to hurt my husband. The only thing that did happen was a big black cloud came over me.
I remember going to the toilet and getting a knife, then going back to bed and cutting my wrist. It didn’t hurt, that was the only thing that scared me, not the thought of dying but the fact it felt good.
I lay there for ages and watched the sheets turn red, then thought of Paul and how selfish I was being, I then went into the living room and asked my friend to call an ambulance.
They asked loads of questions and wanted to keep me in over night, but I just wanted to go home, so asked if I could ring my mum and did so, It was 5 in the morning, she came and got me, and took us both to her house. Then took my friend home and me home. I rang Paul up he was on the ferry home and was devastated. He took a week off work to be with me, and we talked loads of how I was feeling, but was so scared of being on my own again for the fear of what I would do I admitted myself to hospital.
I didn’t think I felt this bad but I do again. I have that fear of life, and where I am going. I feel I hate myself so much, even though I would never do that again. I am not that far from those bad thoughts, I just wish I could feel better.
I am really sorry for this, delete it if you think its too much.
sorry again I feel like such a big fool.
take care love and hugs Dawn.