17/05/06

Hey nothing much is going on really, just everything is going wrong still. Paul is still off work and there are’nt many signs of us getting any money soon, this is really heartbreaking, and I am so frustrated.

 

My dads mum was taken into hospital on saturday and I am just fed up. Fed up isnt the word for it actually, I cant describe how I am feeling.

 

Once again everything is bad, and the only person I can blame is me, no one else its all my falut and I deserve all this,

Y do I deserve all this.

I dont, but I feel so awful.

I applied for a new job in the factory that I work, and today got the outcome of my interview and everything, I dodnt get it. It was given to some one with more experience. Fair enough.

The voices in my head are telling me that y would I get the job anyways I wouldnt even fit behind the desk, let alone be able to cope with the pressure,

Uggggghhhhh, shut up you stupid ED.

 

It hurts so much inside me at the moment, I am crying but without any tears. No one seems to care…. its driving me totally crazy,

 

I know people care, yet I just dont feel it, I dont seem to be able to feel anything at the moment.

Despite all that is going on and that the voices in my head are so strong, I aint listening to them, I am still fighting ed back with all my might, he will not win, but they are strong, and it would be just so so easy.

 

I wish things were so different for all of us, I wish there wasnt such a word as Ed.

Love and hugs,

Dawn

Xxxxxxxx

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07/05/06

 

I am finding it real hard this week to fight everything.

 

It has been one thing after another, after another, and these voices in my head are really bugging me to give in and let ed take over completly.

 

Paul was in a accident on the 26th his birthday of all days, he is ok, so I thank god for that, but its the aftermath you know, the car is a write off, we have no money once again, and no one around me really seems to notice this pressure here on me, the fact that everyone still demands my time, I cant cope with it all, I want to please everyone but I cant,

 

Paul is going to be off work a while longer yet, and I am so so tired, so tired of fighting,

 

My mum and my nan keep getting on an on at us for selling our van dropping the price of it so we end up in a council place, but we would have nothing, no furniture, I just dont know what to do.

 

If we carry on and struggle through the nxt two years the van is ours and we own nothing, but they cant see it, they just see that we are broke now, and cant afford to eat or pay our bills, we maange most of the time, but so many things have happened this year all ready that have caused us a back log of stuff,

Anyways moan over for now,

 

Dawn xx

 

07/05/06

18:18

I am finding it real hard this week to fight everything.

It has been one thing after another, after another, and these voices in my head are really bugging me to give in and let ed take over completly.

Paul was in a accident on the 26th his birthday of all days, he is ok, so I thank god for that, but its the aftermath you know, the car is a write off, we have no money once again, and no one around me really seems to notice this pressure here on me, the fact that everyone still demands my time, I cant cope with it all, I want to please everyone but I cant,

Paul is going to be off work a while longer yet, and I am so so tired, so tired of fighting,

My mum and my nan keep getting on an on at us for selling our van dropping the price of it so we end up in a council place, but we would have nothing, no furniture, I just dont know what to do.

If we carry on and struggle through the nxt two years the van is ours and we own nothing, but they cant see it, they just see that we are broke now, and cant afford to eat or pay our bills, we maange most of the time, but so many things have happened this year all ready that have caused us a back log of stuff,

Anyways moan over for now,

Dawn xx