Feeling a little lost :(

There is a lot going on at my home at the moment, we’ve had two weeks of building work and so many other little things that have been bounced about over the last month. I can’t really catch you all up on things to be fair.

But today, I saw something that made me feel really sad. When someone touches your life in a very amazing, supportive way, and then all of a sudden they’re gone. Taken from this life we live, far far too soon.

What we live with, with mental disorders and eating problems of all aspects, nothing can hurt more than seeing someone so bright.. vanish.

I’ve witnessed this morning a lot of friends over this so so upset, and today. I am not sure how I feel, sad of course. To tears, yes. How do you grieve for a friend you never really met, but meant so much to you on such a personal level that not many can understand.

So this I guess is a heartfelt and sorrowful post. Hug those you love, share with those you can’t hug, the love and friendship you have with them. Support each other, talk and laugh. Life is so tough sometimes, and not everyone of us knows when that might end.

x x

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So busy, so busy…

That time when the voice from within is trying to break through.

That time when I say, no, and really mean I will always say, no.

—— poem 2016, – Dawn.

What happens –

 

What happens to you, when you’re so busy you don’t allow yourself to feel?

What happens to you, when your life takes  a turn for the worse?

 

Do you stop, and allow yourself the time to heal?

Do you allow yourself the time to turn it around?

 

Not always do we have the strength to go on.

Not always do we have the heart to believe we’re worth more.

 

Yet, somewhere there is hope.

Somewhere there is a belief.

 

Belief that we are what matters.

Belief that we are so much more than just thinking or feeling.

 

We are strong, we are better.

We are more than ED.

 

The RollerCoaster of life stuff

 

I always feel that I should post positive stuff, you know because life for TSK and my writing is so exciting at the moment. Honestly… that side of work couldn’t be better. 🙂

But, this last week’s been one of the hardest emotionally. I can’t lie, in fact the whole month of Feb has been a roller coaster of ‘life stuff’ It’s always the way, I seem to be excelling for TSK and then the crapper hits the fan at home and well without TSK and the team I think I’d be curled up in a corner somewhere hiding from the world. I never get the chance, and for that I’ve very thankful for. The guys around me are amazing.

The life stuff –

We lost my Aunt Muriel this last week, the last living relative of my mums side of the family and after last years string of ‘death’ I had hoped that we could start off with a better year. In one way I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore but then it just makes you think about how truly short life really is, even at the age she was.  95….

Then there’s some ‘other’ problem that I can’t talk about, but a few of my closest friends know of. It makes me very sad that the world is such a cruel place and I can only ask that you think of me in kind light over the next few months, this will not be easy. But, I will support those around me, and keep on smiling, because I am a survivor. That is what we do. Smile when inside you feel like giving in.

I feel the downer side of this week is because of the time of year, and today more so because it’s an anniversary of a friends death from many years ago. The fact it’s been Eating Disorder Awareness week, always brings home that terrible pain and time of my life where I was giving up and I think that in itself has made the week harder than it might have been any other time.

The fact I’m here and doing some of the most exciting things in my life is testament that I won’t ever give up fighting. I’m fighting for other things now, things that bring me passion and joy, not just the right to ‘eat’ and barely survive.

I am hoping that March will let us breathe at least a little, our family could use some  good news…

hugs x

 

10 weeks since BE :(

It’s been 10 weeks today since I broke my elbow, and this week has been again one of the worst. I don’t know what I’ve done, maybe it really is the extra exercise, so I’m taking a little break from it today. It’s been hurting a lot the last couple of days. And picking up my coffee today, I almost dropped it. 😦 not good. 

So, seeing as I’ve done my nano, and achieved the goal I set out. I’m rewarding myself with a good days reading. I mean ‘not my own work’ which is kida really hard. So, I’m going to study someone else  🙂 hehehe

 

It’s cold out, mum isn’t home till tomorrow, and I’m lonely a lot this week. Been also trying to get Bobby to get used to me touching his head now instead of his beak. But like with the beak touching he growls at me at first. lol so I get scared and then keep trying. I will get there I know I will. 

And I’ll get there with the stupid elbow. I just need a rest day I think. 

 

🙂 Dawn x 

 

tough week, but there is hope. :)

Hey everyone. 

I think we all get the holiday blues. So being back from Devon was the same for me. As I am off work with my arm being busted the initial build up to going away (seeing as we skint) wasn’t good. And neither was having little cash to do the things we really wanted, but it was nice to be somewhere different. 

Being back home though is pretty depressing, and I’ve suffered this last week more than anything. It’s been evident too, when people ask you ‘you’ve been quiet what’s up’ that normally notice the bubbly person you are. 

So some positive things did happen though. I’ve rung work to see about having a chat to them, return to work interview. And I’m hopeful. I guess we’ll see what they say about things then. Can’t worry over it too much. 

Money has been alright by the end of the month all bills were paid, and we’ve still been able to buy some of the things we’ve wanted too. Thankfully Paul did go full time when he did, or his part time wages would not have covered anything, but we’ve actually had an okay month on the whole. 

 

Yesterday was the first day of nanowrimo. Last year I went into it on a wing and a prayer, this year I’ve had 7 weeks to think about a plot etc, but have been wondering if my arm could hold up to the task of actually sitting down to write. Well the answer to that is ‘nope’. I did write 4386 words yesterday (with the excellent group in our regional chat room doing 15 min word sprints)  but I’m in a lot of pain this morning. Very stiff and sleep last night wasn’t that great either. 

I’m kinda hoping it’s just because I’m not used to it. And that I need to get used to it, it’s good excersise. But I don’t know. It’s just so damned frustrating. There are still things I just can’t do and it upsets me. 

I know cleaning my house is really doing my head in, I can’t do some of the things I want to there, because there is no strength to it. And physio only wants me to work on that from next time if my arm improves. I cannot express how upsetting this whole thing has been on my physical self and emotional one. 

 

The worst thing I’m terrified of falling over again, and scared to actually go out and do things. 

 

😦 

 

But day two of nano is upon me, something that will at least distract me. 

 

Speak soon everyone. And good luck with your word counts. 

 

Dawn x x