11/01/10

Okay so here is my day…

I had a good day yesterday, I met a new lady who I became friends with a writer, she read some of my work and loved it, so it gave me a boost of happiness for the day. My shift at work was busier than on Sat night, with all the bad weather in the uk, no one is going out and so the sale of petrol also has slowed down a lot.

However, I still couldn’t sleep.

I am having awful thoughts again, and I know its due to food issues. I ate okish yesterday. A sandwhich at lunch and dinner, and then I had some soup in work later on. But my body is still hungry and Im restricting with the hope of losing weight, its working yeah. As with all strict regimes the weight drops off. What worries me the most, is am I going to be able to stop with the restrictions. Or is anorexia going to strike while the iron is hot? I am hoping not. I am hoping I can do this in a good way.

Inside me, I am seriously doubting my decisions right now.

So over the Christmas period, I put on 7lb. It hurts like hell. There is nothing that can describe the already horrific feelings inside me, and then knowing that, made me feel so so much worse.

I am really trying to rationalise my thoughts, in telling myself that everyone puts weight on over xmas, but its not working.

I cleared all my cupboards out over the last weekend, and have had to endure the worst shopping expedition ever.

Not only has everyone in this country gone mad, but I had to stand in Asda today and burst into tears over walking down the isles.

Panic buying is something this country only sees every so often, yet I went shopping to find the shelves pretty damned empty and I myself then thought HOLY CRAP I have nothing at home, as we whittle everything down over the holidays, and there is NO food in the stores.

Hence why in one shop alone I spent £125 and then went on to asda and followed it with £156 I know my cupboards are bursting. Yet in all honesty all I want to do is throw it all away.

How can life be so darned complicated.

At least I can sleep easy, knowing at least I have enough food for the cat!!!

Anyway, I called to see one of my work collegues on the way home. He and his girlfriend have just had their first baby, a little girl. Who was really cute. David, seems to be doing good, even though he’s been let down by out management in regards to holiday pay and maternity leave. Typical aint it, when you need the money the most your boss screws you over…

We have had a little whip around for him though, and I am hoping to pick him up a fridge…

So I am totally exhausted today, I drank one cup of tea and had a sausage roll. All I want to do is curl up and go to sleep, but of course, hubby is due home and I should be cooking… Why do I just want to disappear….

I’ll update soon, hopefully when I begin to feel a little better. I had hoped that the new year would bring with it a fresh start, but the only thing wanting a fresh start is the anorexia.

I will do my best to fight off those awful voices.

Dawn

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