Hello i hope everyone is ok, so sorry I have been so out of it, fighting ed, and between hospitals and stuff, sorted out a lot of stuff in my head, but ed fighting hard you know, and its tough,

But I am winning this is getting so much better, my life is moving forward.

I applied for a new job and it dont matter if I get it I have made up my mind to move on dont like where I am so gotta go,

Will always be here,

love you all, everyone of you, and will keep you posted, but apologise for not replying to all posts I am just finding it a bit hard to answer everything and be available to talk as well,

So love ya all, and am off to bed now, leaving my computer on printing some valuble info on filmmaking,

nite nite,





I just wanted to thank everyone for being here for me this last few weeks, as they have been really tough, and you all here mean so much to me,

i wanted to say a special thanks,  through everything I have been thinking you have been there,


For everyone else I am sending huge hugs




Please all join in, let is see how many hugs we get this time, as I sure do love them, and for each hug we can give shows us we can do this we can beat ed, and knock him back to where ever he came from.


We are all worth so much more than this existance,

We all deserve to fullfil our dreams and desires,


And together we will.


for together we are stronger than ed, we can hold each other and love each other showing him we do not need him


My love goes out to each and everyone of you, New member and old members,

some who dont visit so often now and I miss,

Love you all and will do forever,











Was I so annoyed last night, after leaving the hospital from visiting my nan Paul and I decided to go for a chippy tea, and i was so looking forward to it, hadnt eaten much all day really, and when we went to the hole in the wall to draw out some money, and it said we were over our overdraft limit, by nearly 400 quid, I couldnt believe it so out the window went our tea.

I paniked all the way home about 20 mins talked to paul tried to reason why but couldnt,

in the end when I got home I rang the bank and there it was a stupid stupid mistake,


Our car insurance was due for renewal on monday and the first instalment had to be paid over the phone, so Paul rang them up and paid over the phone, was only supposed to be £41 they took the full amount of £411 and then of course we got hit for bank charges as well so that took it up another £30.


Paul has been on the phone today, but got no luck if we change the policy now and pay direct debit they wouldnt give us a refund and they also called Paul a lier, saying that they listend to the phone conversation and there was no mentioning of the direct debits, he was so so mad, and yet they confused him by saying they would refund us the bank charge, not that to me is admitting they were in the wrong.


So now we stuck with a whopping amount over our overdraft giving us a bad name, and Paul has to take the money from our land rent fund from next year, leaving us short now and that has to be paid in december,


I was so upset last night, after seeing my nan with tubes everywhere doped up to the eyeballs, I just didnt need it, my nan looked so meak and old, ya know, i dont think she should have had the op, I dont think she really wanted it, but for her kids my mum and her brother.


I am losing myself to ed, and I hate it, its horrible I cant stand food at all, and I hate myself for letting him win.


Sorry guys,


love ya all






Just thought I’d post as havent been on for a few days,


I am really finding it hard at the moment and work sucks, a few of my good friends have been ok with me, but the rest my god they are awful.


What was the first thing everyone said to me, you can all guess i wont write it, and that so annoyed me, ya know.

Some one write on my desk Dawns book of Illnesses, which annoyed me so i wrote back Yeah thanks had a nice 5 week hol thanks.


Ed is really biting me too, and I hate it,

really do,


Love you all though





Hello everyone ((((((huggies)))))))

This is to inform you all that while on the film course at uni I am producing a short film, called The Hurt Inside. It was written as a short story by me in 2002, for my creative writing course, and was based on my personl experience of my eating disorder and a little of my life. Well with doing this film course I have to write a film runnin ten minutes and I have chosen this subject with which to write.


I have handed in a draft of the short film and am waiting to do a work shop with it next sat.

But some even more good news, my friend in work Mark Farnell, has said even if I do not get funding from the BBc for this film he would be made up to produce it, as he was really impressed with it,  having gone through the whole story with him today, he is going to story board it tonight for me, and then we can talk about starting production. This would mean that eating disorders will be going to the film festival inCannesnext year, OMG.

I would like to say that there will be a warning at the start of this short and in the end credits I am also going to add something along the lines of  ‘For anyone suffering with any eating disorder, they can get confidential support in recovery from’ this site, and their doctor’s.


I think this is a great idea, the story itself is what happened to me, with names changed and of course, a lot more dramatised to come across in the ten minutes.


I just wanted people to see the suffering we go through and the pain inside of us, wanted people to see it and understand it isn’t just about food.


Thankyou all for listening, wish me luck and you never know the retreat may be soon on its way.


Love and hugs