28/11/04

 

Hi everyone,

I am posting this as I wont be on for quite some time, now, having discussed a lot of things with my husband these last few days, I have found that myself I am not doing what i should be in my marrige and in getting better, I have been hiding from Paul and using the internet as an excuse not to talk to him in the ways that I should be, and last night I came to realise this is going to ruin everything, if I do not put my concentration towards myself fully, and towards sorting out a few of the little other problems in my life

I would like to say a huge thankyou to first of all, PM , who deserves a medal for being such a special and wonderful lady, and being the rock behind everything here, my pure inspiration, and salvation.

Then come all you lovely ladies and (gents) here,

(with out whom I would be much worse for,)

Basically everyone I love and care for here, EVERYONE that is and am so sorry if I left anyone out, my head is just so messed up at the moment.

I will be back soon ok,  as I love and need you all, just need to get me sorted,

 

Thankyou all for your patience, and time, I hope i made you feel not so alone out there, and I will catch you all very soon.

Love and (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dawn

xxxxxxxxxxxx

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25/11/04

 

Tomorrow not only do i get to meet Chantell who I have become very close to these last few months, but I am getting to go to the studios of First take and, meet the producers and directors and take part in some sort of get together, to talk about stuff,

 

Wow so cool or what,

Work is boring, I want out still,

Sorry I havent been texting as I ran out of credit, and havent got anymore,

Love you all and am well thinking of you I am still here, sort of,

Dawn xxxxxxx

19/11/04

16:27

 

How come money has to be everything, why do we have to live with it, I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT

 

Because of that stupid insurance company taking their full payment its left us on a rollercoaster downhill and I cnt be doing with it, we were charged for their first mistake whick they didnt refund us fully and because they didnt, have since been charged last month £75 and to date this month £50,

 

I cant cope with it, hubby keeps saying for me to get a grip on it, but I cant with every bit of money they take they make it worse,

 

Its the worst feeling in your life when you cant get anywhere to do anything, and its making me feel so much worse, I feel like I am losing everything, my relationship and everything else,

 

Its really doing my head in.

 

Love dawn

 

xxxx

18/11/04

 

OMG,

 

Last night was the best night of my entire like, part from a few pitfalls, like but oh well,

 

So heres the full story, well, to start with I had gone back into work on monday for thoses that didnt know, and yesterday the managers son came to me and said there was a problem and when I asked why he said he shouldnt be there unless I had a note off my doctor to say that I was ok to work again, so to cut a long story short, I had to go home at 1pm so my step dad frank took me back to his house as that was the plan as it was easier for my friend mark to pick me up there, and  it worked out in my favour as I had all afternoon to get ready but then my phone died, and I couldnt arrange anything with anyone, and my sim card wouldnt work in my mums phone.

 

I had to walk into town with my mum then in the rain to try and get the place where she works the carphone warehouse to sort out my dilema, anyways I got the numbers i needed and was ok.

 

My mum bought me a fantastic dress to wear, and I got some nice nails too, and when we got back I had a shower and got ready to go out, she did my nails and my hair and some of my make up, I looked stunning, ( will post a pic when I get them)

 

When Mark picked me up though i was a nervous wreck, the couple we were traveling with, were greatSianand her boyfriend Tom. Unfortunatly the plan was for Tom to drive us to liverpool and then Mark to take us back home from where we met, but Mark locked his keys in his car, Oh No.

 

He phoned his dad and got his dad to pick it up with the spare set of keys, while we were on our way to liverpool YEY

 

And we got to Central hall just on half seven.Walking in the place I was amazed, and now I have had a glimpse of the lime light and how the other half live thats it, I am so so so determined, I will be up there next year giving my speach at my first screening.

 

It was fantastic from start to finish, and the short films were just brillinant.

I had so so so much fun as we all did, and I know my dream in life I wont give up on, ever.

Sianand Tom actually took us both home, 40 mins out there way, and thanks so much to them I was home just after1ish,

 

Today hasnt been as great though, couldnt get in to see the doc till later on, and hadnt slept all nite as was so buzzing, and when I eventually went to work it was awful, so boring,

 

but I’m home now and very happy, my turn next for sure,

 

Love and hugs, to everyone, specially, those who wished me luck,

 

Love and huge hugs,

Dawn

Xxxxxxx

16/11/04

7:20

 

(((((everyone)))))))

 

 

Well Ed won big time last nite, and I lost the plot completly, broke my heart, and cried all nite,

 

I dont know what happened I was so happy, with going to the bafta on wednesday, and ed hit me hard, I was sick,  after my tea,

 

and then I thought oh well and had a drink of vodka, and I had been talking to a friend about abuse, and when Paul came home, it all came out,

 

EVERYTHING

 

I couldnt tell him though not really the only way I could let him see it was by showing him on here, what I had written,

 

I didnt stop crying, couldnt didnt want him to hate me, I felt violated and disgusted and I hated myself for saying it,

 

this morning I dont know what to do, I dont know

 

I am lost,

 

I wont give up fighting, and I will enjoy Wed night,

and ED can **** never come back,

 

He hits you when you are down , and also very happy, hes nothing and I know this and I I wanted to die last night I didnt want to go on anymore and Paul was there and he held me and comforted me, and I am just speachless.

 

So Im going,

 

talk to you all later, and keep fighting everyone of you, we all deserve more than this,

 

 

Love and huge hugs,

 

Dawn

xxxxxxx