25/04/05

Spain holiday April 2005

Well this is great six am in Spain, and what I am doing, wide awake, with stomach ach from eating too much last night and not being sick, umm amazing.

It’s been a tough holiday so far, I have been sick most of it, but in a real sick way not with Ed, I have had a killer sore throat and black red stuff coming out of my nose. Yeah a re4al bad cold, got it off Joyce didn’t I, grrr.

Anyways, Sat, day of departure,

Brilliant had a great flight, were detoured via Bilbao. Because an older man, two rows down from us wasn’t good. He flaked out and was put on oxygen and they thought it best to set the plane down, and let a doctor look at him, his poor wife looked so worried and I don’t blame her one bit, or the staff on the plane. If it was me or Paul sick I wouldn’t have expected any less.

Only took us about an hour delay in all, which I thought was very good to be honest.

Umm second dilemma, lol, on arriving in Spain with no euros, the rate at the airport was terrible, 136 per pound, so we decided to just get a taxi and then get the money my mum left for us in the apartment. Yeah good idea in theory, except when we got here we couldn’t get in the apartment and had to ring for Norman the cleaner to come and let us in, oops, mean while Paul was legging it up the road to the exchange bureau to get some money for the driver who was calling him a silly silly man, lol.

We were so tired from the trip I had a sleep in the afternoon and we went for a walk to get some stuff to eat, had our tea in. It was nice, of course I couldn’t sit still then, so we went to barneys and met Clare, had a few drinks which I shouldn’t have, and had a great night.

Sunday

The day was very warm and breezy, but we relaxed and had a great day, walked quite a bit, and I lazed around, and read a whole book, by steven silverberg  Face of the waters, about a boat trip and a planet called hydros. Was rather weird but a good read. I was so so so so  tired wanted to sleep from about 830 but managed to stay awake till 1000. was supposed to meet clare again but I went to bed and Paul forgot to txt her as did I so she didn’t know we weren’t coming, ahh, silly me.

Monday, our anniversary, Yey 7 yrs,

Had a umm brill morning. We were supposed to be going to the beech, but I felt real ill. (bit like I do now actually at6am) so stayed by the apartment, and sunbathed, I started reading The Horse whisperer is good, and then came in at 1. Had a walk around, deciding which sort of bag I like, and a purse to go with it. Seen some nice belts too, but will have to wait till nearer time to go home, to see if we have any money left,

Only have what mum left us, 150 euros, and 10 pound, and 210 pounds 100 which is ours and 100 which is ron’s, feeling slightly bad about taking his money and not getting him some cigs like I said, but we would have nothing to eat next week otherwise. And we are looking after the pennies, promise.

Tuesday, so umm 627 am

And why am I awake, had a bad dream, got stomach ach, and neck ach,

Dream,

Of course ed related, sucks hey following me to finspaintoo bastard,

I was in a market come doctors surgery and I was being sick, but there was a girl who was weighing herself in the toilets, she was anorexic, and clearly so, she asked would I weigh her and write the numbers in the book for her, we started talking and became instant friends.

I went off and into the surgery where this then crazed nurse started taking blood from my neck, my mum was sitting there letting her, and this nurse then started puming some weird stuff into me, I didn’t want it at all and was fighting for my life, and knew it,

This girl then phoned me and mum put the phone to my ear.  I was dying and she couldn’t tell, what the fuck.

I wormed and kicked and eventually got the sick nurse off me and oushed my mum away. When I got out of the surgery the nurse was trying to blame me and got the poliece involved, the only evidence I had was this girl I had just met had recored our tiny conversation and then psycho nurse babbling on about what she was going to do to me.

Weird hey,

Umm not as weird as the next one,

About a car race I was in, but then was a motorbike race, I was showering with the blokes and then it turned out I was a woman and the attention changed and I was getting uncomfortable.

Then back in Mere Brow and trying to cross the ditch me flying, and managing it, then falling in, and a guy saving me.

Back to the stables, and Lighting in the stall, he isn’t starving at the moment, but isn’t being looked after very well, I miss him being around, I want to get him out and try to, he looks excited, while I tack him up he jumps about giddy, we go out on a ride, and it was lovely.

Am feeling a bit funny so am going back to bed, the birds are singing and people are up (not that they ever sleep round here) but hey, I am going to ok.

Love you, will write sooon,

Dawn

Tueday 26th

Was Paul’s birthday tonight, had a Chinese take out and then went for a few drinks in Barny’s turned out to be one drink as I only had a few euros with me, oops, Clare didn’t turn up, so we went for a walk along the beech and then watched a film on scifi,

Wednesday, been cooler today and was glad decided to go for a long walk, and ended up in callawaya past toramoninos, where we went with the mule and the Spanish lady the first time we were out here. Was a really long walk, but was good, stopped in lidel and got some more bits at least we have enough food for this week anyways. Just next week, have a hundred and sixty five in cash so will have to change some of that.

Sunbathed for a bit this afternoon, when the clouds weren’t there it was really hot and I got a little burned, oops.

Any way am meeting clare and manwell in Barneys then going out for a meal up here. He is working tonight so missed out there, lol,

Am going, just had a shower and a play around with the film editing software. And am going to get ready in a bit.

Love Dawn

Saturday night and oh well I am awake again at 23 53,

Been out and had a few drinks with clare in the bar, and you know rang my mum, asked frank about work, Karen isn’t in and now my head is spinning according to frank, Terry has had the sack now I am all guilty and my head wont shut up , oh why oh why,

This is really hurting me, I am getting flashbacks, of me as a child, kids in my neighbourhood.

Again of them and them using me, Anne is asking my brother what we had done the  night before and then asking us to do more tonight, I am beginiiing to think that most of the stuff me and chris did was to sort of answer her questions,

I remember one incident in the bathroom, about being asked what it was like to have boobs, and then of course asking to touch them, and so on, but it didn’t stop there did it oh no, they wanted to know more about me, and they wanted to touch me down below too. 😦

WHY
these things going on im my head tongith are hurting me more than ever, I want to scream I am crying now, and I know why they were wrong to ask them of me, and wrong to think I should have carried on with them, but oh no, as ? had beat me and abused me, I thought I had to put up with this behaviour, FAT UGLY DAWN no good for anything else,

I cant believe they are putting me through remembering all this.

I remember too much about kids and being abused by them. Touchy feely. Nasty.

NO MORE,

But it still happned, and when ? moved in next door more of the same except… just well more of it.

ME being used, ME being abused.

Anger Yes,

ANGER FUCKING HELL YES

These feelings inside I cannot control and I want to cut tonight more than anything,

Tonight now at 1205, in spain, I want to hurt me,

Because I feel bad, Because I feel disgusting,

THE FEELing inside me is so so so sick, I feel used and hurt, and why couldn’t my mum help me, why couldn’t they see  everything that was going, on.

Because some stupid kids BEAT me up, HE BEAT ME.

HE HURT me and no one knew,
NO One

The Guys in school overfed me something wicked and yeah it hurt, it hurt as I had to do it I had to eat to have friends so they wouldn’t get into trouble, and I would do it.

I was weak, I was fat and I was not worthy of having any friends who liked me for being me.

My best friend didn’t like me, she hated me more that anything, and I knew it, right until we fell out, there was nothing between us,

No matter what I did to try an please her it wasn’t good enough, I was too fat, she was only with me so she could look good, so she looked thin and beautiful and that isn’t how it was completely but that is how my mind worked, that is how I thought, towards the end, and when she got another friend then she fell out with me and it ended I couldn’t do anything to still be her friend  I was the end It was over, I had NO ONE 😦

AND NO one wanted me.

I wish I could have ended it all there and then, but it didn’t happen,

When I left school and it got close I couldn’t do it, no matter how I tried,

I ate and ate until no more

I was the biggest I had been

19st 4lbs

and I hated me,

I drew a knife,

I cut,

It wasn’t enough,

And here I am now,

Sucks,

Sucks,

It fucking sucks,

All the hurt,

All the pain, ‘

I am hurting now inside I want to get it out,

WHAT WILL I DO

WHAT WILL I Say

I DONE KNOW<

I DON’T KNOW<

I am lost,

I am lost,

I wish something inside me would tell me what to do, when to do it,

I have to talk to my brother, I have to get things out.

I have to talk to me mum, and tell her,

And my dad,

I WILL DO THIS I WILL!

IT will not ruin me,

It will never ruin me,

I will do them as they did to me.

:Love Dawn

xxxx

Sunday 1st May

Umm, bad night, yeah I think so, wasn’t sure why all that stuff starts to come out and it was real bad,

Was up for about half an hour, and when I went back to bed I woke Paul up cause I was crying, he held me and comforted me, and I eventually went to sleep, after our noisy neighbours came in gone two oclock.

Havent done anything again today, just rested sunbathed and then went for a walk along the beech and a paddle, I got rather wet but it was good.

I feel my weight is increasing as some of my clothes are getting tighter, but I suppose it has to, I am on holiday and not doing much, apart from eating, and I am eating better, lots of salads, and rice and lovely fresh bread and cheeses, only had three ice creams, and 2 desserts lol never mind.

Anyway want to do some real work, some writing, so off I go. Wish me luck.

Dawn Chapman xxxx

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19/04/05

I want to vent today all the things that are bothering me at the moment to scream and shout and let it all out,

 

they are very triggering, so please be careful

 

I hate the way that I always feel responsible for everything, anything goes bad then I turn on me, the little me that is inside dont get a good word all is bad.

Money is bothering me so much right now and I really dont like it at all, as I cant stand it, hate that everything revolves around money, what you can do what you can buy,

 

Love I love my hubby with all my heart and my family and friends, but want to push them all away as I cant be doing with all the are you all right, when I WANT TO SCREAM,,,, NO

 

I feel so bad and the voice knows it, and is wreaking havoc on my every thought and feeling, I cant feel anything, I am numb and its doing my head, in,

 

I cant sleep as when the room goes quiet and I am not doing something the voice starts to take over and  shouts BACK.

 

and I cant control it,

 

My hubby is going mad at my nose bleeds, and the fact he knows I been maiking them happen is doing me in too, he wants me to go to the doctor, and get it looked at but I dont want to, it would give them another reason for me to not go on holiday if I have damaged my nose,

 

things are really awful at the moment and I am hurting inside, and it scares me more than anything,

This pain wont go away, and no matter what I am doing I dont think it ever will,

 

I want to disapear, and just let everyone forget me, but they wont and I cant do that, as I love everyone, and that is hurting me too, as I want to give in and stop fighting, and just let everything win,

 

i am tired very tired, and the voice is making hurting me sounds so good, and I want to do it, but I cant,

 

and I wont,

 

this was a vent, not a cry for help but I wish someone would help me, take all this pain away, and let me move on, it hurts so so so much,

 

 

love you all,

 

Dawn

xxxx

17/04/05

(((((((((hugs)))))))

Just a note to tell you all i am off to spain on sat, 23, and not back till 7th may,

I am also not sure whats going to happen regarding the internet, i want to keep it going, but whil i am off work I cant, so it may stop, and I will only be able to get on every now and again,

Sending you all hugs,
I will keep in touch by text,

and post,

Love ya all,

Dawn

xxxxx

14/04/05

Hi

Just thought I would update everyone on whats been going on in my life,

Started February when after taking my frined (11th) Karen shopping, I bought my husband some nice underware, for valantines  and she bought the guy she was seeing, Terry some too, (Terry the married man with two small kids)

 

When she finally got to give them to him, 21st Feb, he decided to get changed in the middle of the factory floor and having no underware on didnt stop him changing either,  I made it perfectly clear that i didnt want to see anything, but five minutes later, he made sure I was looking and got it out again, while my friends could still see.

 

This happened on a number of occasions, and he also started to touch me, I wasnt happy at all, it got worse, and I started cutting, couldnt talk to anyone about this, I felt i was asking for it, and deserved everything i got,

 

Eventually I told Paul last wednesday and then also my councellor this week (Cpn) and after havng talked to my family and stuff went to visit my boss this morning and report him.

My boss took the whole thing very serious and he had to have a witness from the factory and so did I, unfortunatly there was no one I could trust anymore in there, and I had to pick the managers son, but at least I knew her wouldnt have said anything outside to any of the other staff before it got out anyway.

I was so scared I was shaking and nearly in tear talking about the whole thing, I guesse when you talk about it it seems all the more real and its awful.

 

I have just had a phone call from my boss saying he has had both Terry and Karen in the office and neither denied it they both said it happened like I said it had, I couldnt understand, how come he didnt deny it, what was he doing, admitting it, omg, I just dont know what to think, is he getting more pleasure now out of knowing he has hurt me even more,

I am just so lost and unsure and scared and agggghhhhh I am glad they didnt deny it but just cant work out why?

 

Am I such a bad person that people will always take advantage of me, of the way i act and feel. can people pick up the fact that you are vaulnarable,

 

Sorry for ranting, just had to get it out i guess

 

Love and hugs

Dawn

Xxxx

03/04/05

 

Just wanted to post something positive in amongst all the sadness here,

 

I feel all your pain and I so wish I could take it and ed away, just dont give in, ever. I am not, none of us should.

 

Fight

We all must keep on fighting,

Together, forever, even if two steps forward, means one back

This feeling of flight, will go away.

But us here will stay, to encourage each other, to draw streangth.

to draw hope, and love, from all

Keep your heads up, reach out to each other, and never give in,

 

NEVER GIVE IN

We are all worth more, we all deserve happiness, and love, and friends.

We all, need love and friends and happiness,

We don’t need ed.

 

WE NEVER NEEDED    ED.

 

He controls us and makes us hate and hurt and not care, when we should, life is short, life is so much more than this, reach out, take it back,

 

FIGHT

 

Love and huge hugs, Dawn,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx