11/03/08

Hello there everyone

I havent blogged for a bit as i have been very very busy.

These last few weeks have been really challanging for me and I would like to say i have sailed through them.

I have dropped Mondays at cheadle hospital, for my own reasons as well as theres, I am doing much better with eating and am maintaining a healthy weight, even though it has slightly increased I am trying not to focus on it in a bad way, as i know i look better for having a bit of cuddliness. rather than being thinner and pale faced and sullen.

I have been doing lots of thinking and dont know where i still stand on a number of things.

I am finding the reality of leaving work a little more difficult than i had imagined and in some ways of considering going back just to fight off one of my fears, to be able to go back and leave when I want to notwhen they want me to.

I think i still need to focus on other things now, and am really going to look into that seriously.

I have good news about the bungalow, we have the plans back and the builder is at the moment pricing everything up, i know he thinks already he has got the job as they have been out matching bricks and stuff, bless him. We have known the guy a long time, and he comes highly recomended so fingers crossed he comes in well under budget so we have some money left for the nicer things like Pauls 20ft fish pond.

As for me, I just want everything to get started, for me to be in some kind of work and then i feel more financially secure and i know my mum certainly would, even if it is going backwards.

My doctor thinks, it is the fact tht I am so scared as to why i dont want to go back in, because of the way things have been handled in the past when i have had long time off sick, but over the last few years i have never recieved the help with my food issue and thats been an underlying problem, i feel it is now being delt with to the best of my ability.

I have come a very long way in the last 5 months. I have discovered so much about the person I am and more to the point who I want to be, not just what the past has made me.

We have a tennancy aggreement now as well, so am more secured in that knowledge that things are really settling.

As for day care and wanting to leave for my own reasons.

It has become increasingly hard on mondays. There are about 10 more girls, and to be honest the rooms arent big enought to cope with that.

We are doing also this cullinry skills thing, where two of us cooks for the other 12 people…

Now you can imagine cant you. 14 girls all with severe eating problems at various stages, and they are asking us what we would like to eat…

Come on, they are so blind, I know decision making about food is part of the problem, and I am always arguing with Paul because i havent got a meal planned for the evening. But it is a major part of why we suffer. We just dont know what to choose…

To have to make decisions like this is highly stressfull, and for some it is putting them off going to day care full stop.

I also feel that, because there are so many on Mondays and only two members of staff plus the dietition, that there sn’t enough support there for some of us.

It is very easy to let the ones who dont speak up slip under the carpet, and I am the one who is dealing with the comeback.

Basically as I am such a caring person and the other girls really do trust me.

As it was my last day on monday, some of the girls even wanted to change their days just so i would be there with them. That is so nice, and I am very flattered they like me so much, I am beginning to realise that I am a person worth kowing and that I shouldnt hide away.

I think i will have to make some notes of this and put it in the post to Dr Sharma. I know it will def upset the staff but I am thinking of the others who are left without attention when they most need it.

Umm, think that is about it for now.. Keep smiling everyone, and thanks for your continued support.

Dawn xx

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