Feeling a little lost :(

There is a lot going on at my home at the moment, we’ve had two weeks of building work and so many other little things that have been bounced about over the last month. I can’t really catch you all up on things to be fair.

But today, I saw something that made me feel really sad. When someone touches your life in a very amazing, supportive way, and then all of a sudden they’re gone. Taken from this life we live, far far too soon.

What we live with, with mental disorders and eating problems of all aspects, nothing can hurt more than seeing someone so bright.. vanish.

I’ve witnessed this morning a lot of friends over this so so upset, and today. I am not sure how I feel, sad of course. To tears, yes. How do you grieve for a friend you never really met, but meant so much to you on such a personal level that not many can understand.

So this I guess is a heartfelt and sorrowful post. Hug those you love, share with those you can’t hug, the love and friendship you have with them. Support each other, talk and laugh. Life is so tough sometimes, and not everyone of us knows when that might end.

x x

Life – poem

Life is not the best right now and I could do with a rest.

I believe it’s just a test right now, yet I still feel so blessed.

What hurts me, and makes me cry, also makes me fight.

No, no, not flight… I might have once turned and run.

Wether it be just a test or the best, I am not done.

Where would be the fun.

—–

hugs

~ Dawn

x x

 

Listening to your own work as an audiobook!

 

Well it kinda says it all really. The last few weeks and well the whole of this year so far almost seem a blur, from one thing to another, ups and downs as with life always…

Yet today I had plans, I woke early and couldn’t focus, back on the good ole plan (lipotrim) to get me in the healthy zone in the docs. I did so fab last year, but I’m still at the top end of the weight I want to be, and what is healthy for me, so almost 2 weeks in and feeling the pain of it all haha, the second time is so much harder. But the benefits are worth it, I know they are.

So yeah, no focus and you know when you really need it and it’s just not there yeah. So, ibuprofen, some paracetamol and lots of coffee and I just about started to come around.

I have always so much to do, that never ends, write up crits for the team on Scribophile, (which I’m near done on) and continue with a script I’m working on, I did sign up for camp nano and my cabin is awesome, yesterday I hit the ground running with a few wordwars after work to write 3.5k on my futuristic SO with my fav female character, Sarah Mendoza. I have to warn everyone this is a little out of my comfort zone, space battles and hardship I can handle, but she’s leaning towards a slightly erotic tone of content, haha, I love her but boy she’s opening my eyes.

But, I had an email late last night… A good one, squeeee and cue all excited jumps etc. I had the go ahead to go over the first section of audio for both TSK’s book 1 – Lethao narrated by Greg Tremblay and for our Shorts, The Truth Hurts narrated by Holly Adams.

I’ve only just got into listening to AudioBooks, so the experience of living inside the world someone else created for a few hours is just settling into my mind.

It’s a whole different ball game when someone else is narrating your world, your characters and their story.

It’s not like I write it and forget the story, no, but it’s like experiencing it all for the very first time.

I still haven’t done as much as I’d like, a house to clean and stuff to do here, but I listened to Holly’s work twice (loved it) and then moved onto the first book which I’m now up to chapter 4 on. This might take me all weekend. Haha, but I’m loving it. Kinda here thinking, I didn’t write this did I? but yes, I did. I’m very proud of the team where we’ve come from and where I hope we’ll go.

Thanks for being there with me @TeamSecretKing you brought to life what was only in my head. Now it’s free for everyone else to enjoy or hate, hehehe

Hugs –

 

Dawn

The RollerCoaster of life stuff

 

I always feel that I should post positive stuff, you know because life for TSK and my writing is so exciting at the moment. Honestly… that side of work couldn’t be better. 🙂

But, this last week’s been one of the hardest emotionally. I can’t lie, in fact the whole month of Feb has been a roller coaster of ‘life stuff’ It’s always the way, I seem to be excelling for TSK and then the crapper hits the fan at home and well without TSK and the team I think I’d be curled up in a corner somewhere hiding from the world. I never get the chance, and for that I’ve very thankful for. The guys around me are amazing.

The life stuff –

We lost my Aunt Muriel this last week, the last living relative of my mums side of the family and after last years string of ‘death’ I had hoped that we could start off with a better year. In one way I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore but then it just makes you think about how truly short life really is, even at the age she was.  95….

Then there’s some ‘other’ problem that I can’t talk about, but a few of my closest friends know of. It makes me very sad that the world is such a cruel place and I can only ask that you think of me in kind light over the next few months, this will not be easy. But, I will support those around me, and keep on smiling, because I am a survivor. That is what we do. Smile when inside you feel like giving in.

I feel the downer side of this week is because of the time of year, and today more so because it’s an anniversary of a friends death from many years ago. The fact it’s been Eating Disorder Awareness week, always brings home that terrible pain and time of my life where I was giving up and I think that in itself has made the week harder than it might have been any other time.

The fact I’m here and doing some of the most exciting things in my life is testament that I won’t ever give up fighting. I’m fighting for other things now, things that bring me passion and joy, not just the right to ‘eat’ and barely survive.

I am hoping that March will let us breathe at least a little, our family could use some  good news…

hugs x

 

Life changing experience – New Me!

Hey everyone.

(This post will contain weights and numbers and could be triggering for some, please do not read if suffering)

I wanted to write this post because its been a long road, but a good one. It is going to cover some of what I’ve been through over the last few months in changing my weight and turning my depression on it’s head. It started 13 weeks ago and is entering it’s second phase and I really wanted to share how positive an experience it’s been.

I want to include a couple of pictures here, to show the differences in 18mths in myself and how my body has changes in the last 13 weeks too.

2015-08-15 09.24.26

This was where I started off in 2014. with my journey at The Wellness Centre in Burscough. But after all the good I did, I hurt my back and started off with 2015 as one of the worst years in our lives, I hadn’t realised how much I was comfort eating at work. (I drive a food delivery truck and the weight piled on, till I hit rock bottom and breaking point at 17 stone 2lbs.

2015-08-15 09.24.58

The bottom line is where I am at now.

I wasn’t one for pictures. But these were some taken last year, and early this year.

Old me      old me 2

This was part way through my journey with Lipotrim.

Middle me    middle me 2

And this is me now 🙂

2015-08-12 15.52.23     And me now. 🙂

Dawn Chapman

What I really wanted to discuss, was the change in my attitude though. After suffering with eating disorders for most of my life, I went into this knowing all the risks, all the ways it could go wrong, and all the ways it could go right. I decided that this was for me and that this was a decision I could make as an adult.

So I did it, I went for it, I struggled, I battled through the weekly regime and I have reached my set goal weight.

When I was attending Cheadle Royal Eating Disorders Unit, My weight went from 88kg and dropped to 71kg, this was after losing both my grandparents, and virtually not eating anything but yoghurt for 5 mths. I was in a bad place, but the Unit and the staff there helped me see why I did things and why I used food as a crutch, when food was no longer an issue in 2007 I turned to alcohol and Self Harm, it was a very bad year for me, but Cheadle Royal got me through it and in 2010 I was discharged from them at 83kg.

I have gone from 109kg to just under 83kg, and this is a good weight for me. I am happy, but this journey doesn’t stop here, because I need to carry on and be healthy. After going Total Food Replacement, I am now re-introducing foods again. I admit I was a little apprehensive of doing this. But, I was also armed with the re-feeding I did at Cheadle Royal.

This last week, I’ve been introducing healthy foods. Yey! and because this week has been such a milestone in my life. Reaching my target weight, and receiving the proof copy of my first novel, we went out to celebrate last night and I also had my first Vodka and Coke in 13 weeks.

With the help of The Wellness Centre now I have different goals. I do still want to reduce my body fat down some because I want to build my muscle back up again. My metabolic rate is the lowest I’ve seen it in a long time, and this also needs to pick up.

So, healthy eating and good foods. (It really tastes amazing now) and exercise.

For a treat, I booked a photo shoot for the 12th September. I’ve never done this before. Never wanted to document my life in such a way. Camera’s scare me! but I would like some professional pictures for my books and websites, and to do it because I know I can.

Eating Disorders and Mental Illness suck, but with things we learn over the years, we can pool ourselves together and turn a horrible year into the best year.

Keep positive when you have doubts, keep active when you want to hide. But more than anything, never give up.

Hugs.

Dawn