Life changing experience – New Me!

Hey everyone.

(This post will contain weights and numbers and could be triggering for some, please do not read if suffering)

I wanted to write this post because its been a long road, but a good one. It is going to cover some of what I’ve been through over the last few months in changing my weight and turning my depression on it’s head. It started 13 weeks ago and is entering it’s second phase and I really wanted to share how positive an experience it’s been.

I want to include a couple of pictures here, to show the differences in 18mths in myself and how my body has changes in the last 13 weeks too.

2015-08-15 09.24.26

This was where I started off in 2014. with my journey at The Wellness Centre in Burscough. But after all the good I did, I hurt my back and started off with 2015 as one of the worst years in our lives, I hadn’t realised how much I was comfort eating at work. (I drive a food delivery truck and the weight piled on, till I hit rock bottom and breaking point at 17 stone 2lbs.

2015-08-15 09.24.58

The bottom line is where I am at now.

I wasn’t one for pictures. But these were some taken last year, and early this year.

Old me      old me 2

This was part way through my journey with Lipotrim.

Middle me    middle me 2

And this is me now 🙂

2015-08-12 15.52.23     And me now. 🙂

Dawn Chapman

What I really wanted to discuss, was the change in my attitude though. After suffering with eating disorders for most of my life, I went into this knowing all the risks, all the ways it could go wrong, and all the ways it could go right. I decided that this was for me and that this was a decision I could make as an adult.

So I did it, I went for it, I struggled, I battled through the weekly regime and I have reached my set goal weight.

When I was attending Cheadle Royal Eating Disorders Unit, My weight went from 88kg and dropped to 71kg, this was after losing both my grandparents, and virtually not eating anything but yoghurt for 5 mths. I was in a bad place, but the Unit and the staff there helped me see why I did things and why I used food as a crutch, when food was no longer an issue in 2007 I turned to alcohol and Self Harm, it was a very bad year for me, but Cheadle Royal got me through it and in 2010 I was discharged from them at 83kg.

I have gone from 109kg to just under 83kg, and this is a good weight for me. I am happy, but this journey doesn’t stop here, because I need to carry on and be healthy. After going Total Food Replacement, I am now re-introducing foods again. I admit I was a little apprehensive of doing this. But, I was also armed with the re-feeding I did at Cheadle Royal.

This last week, I’ve been introducing healthy foods. Yey! and because this week has been such a milestone in my life. Reaching my target weight, and receiving the proof copy of my first novel, we went out to celebrate last night and I also had my first Vodka and Coke in 13 weeks.

With the help of The Wellness Centre now I have different goals. I do still want to reduce my body fat down some because I want to build my muscle back up again. My metabolic rate is the lowest I’ve seen it in a long time, and this also needs to pick up.

So, healthy eating and good foods. (It really tastes amazing now) and exercise.

For a treat, I booked a photo shoot for the 12th September. I’ve never done this before. Never wanted to document my life in such a way. Camera’s scare me! but I would like some professional pictures for my books and websites, and to do it because I know I can.

Eating Disorders and Mental Illness suck, but with things we learn over the years, we can pool ourselves together and turn a horrible year into the best year.

Keep positive when you have doubts, keep active when you want to hide. But more than anything, never give up.

Hugs.

Dawn

Saying Goodbye

Today is a day where we get to say goodbye to a very close old family friend. Ronnie Docker.

It is not going to be a good day.

It will be, however, a day of reflection and one of many assaults on all my senses.

This year has been one of the worst for a few reasons. This being one of them. I don’t deal with death, or dying very well at all. It’s something I can’t see. Like literally I can’t see.

It might seem cold, and it isn’t. I just can’t deal with it. When my nan died on my dad’s side. She’d been very ill for a long time. I loved going to see them. But, the more she deteriorated, the more I couldn’t cope, in her last few weeks. Both Paul and my dad tried to get me to visit but I couldn’t.

Anorexia and depression already had me in it’s horrible grips as I was awaiting my call to go to Cheadle Royal hospital.

It was at her funeral that the beast took hold completely and over the next few months I lost around more weight than I should have. That day took me back to my earlier years you see, when my grandad died, to where I was being bullied at school left right and centre.

I don’t ever pertain to understand the complex way my mind works. Or in the how I deal with things. I don’t deal with some things very well at all, and that voice in my head just takes over instead. It is what it is. A coping mechanism for feeling.

I am where I am today because of those people and the ED that made me internalise all the things
hateful things anyone ever said.

Today, I am going to allow myself to feel. I am going to say goodbye to a gentleman who brought many things to my life. From your cantankerous old ways to the laughter and fun.

I know who I am, I will remember where I have come from, I will not go backwards, I will be okay.

Ron, where ever you are, be happy. We will miss you lots and lots.

~ Dawn

Progress

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted so I’m here, I think 3 weeks in with meds though, so I’ve been trying to get used to all that and in getting myself feeling better.

The AD’s kicked my butt at first, not only when I take them do they make me sleepy, (which was kinda the point) but I also couldn’t stop eating. It’s really like I’ve no control over it, and that was very hard to deal with at first.

I kept up with the training though and even though I ate loads I tried not to freak out. The second week was easier, I took cereal snacks into work, and munched on those instead, and this week I seem to be much more able to control what I’m doing. And the training is increasing. 140 heart rate tonight and 11 mins 🙂 so increasing 1 min a day. I can do this!

Everything for TSK is going well. The cover design is looking amazing…. and we kinda decided on the end of April as a tentative release date. 🙂 So we’re storming to that as a goal. Fingers crossed everyone.

Will try and post as soon as I get anymore news.

Dawn

Breaking point and how to fix it.

Thankfully it really is friday, and this was my week.

It’s been a long one that’s for sure, although I can’t really point my finger as to the why. I guess it’s just my mindset.

I had two appointments this week at the doctors, the first with the nurse for my regular depo injection (contraceptive) where she weighed me and did my BP, I know my weight has crept up a bit since I hurt my back, and I’m sad about that from losing it all last year. My main concern is my BP and the fact it’s high for me. My elliptical came though and I’ve been getting back to exercise, so that is one positive.

Yes, I know, but even with watching the food, no alcohol and plenty of water, my BP is still high 140 over 93, where it used to be 120 over 70. It’s not dangerous, but I can feel the difference. I feel out of sorts.

My second appointment was with my doctor, to discuss some of the things bothering me. The accident and the pins and needles in my arm are from my neck she advised me to keep it warm for now, and gave me some more pain relief, just in case. The second thing we really talked about, was how I was feeling. The not sleeping for the last few months, November to now, is getting me down so much. I’m stressed with everything that has been going on at home, then I’m not sleeping, I’m more tired, I can’t be bothered, I’m wanting to starve myself so that I have some control and feeling, and yes, I’ve also had some very, very dark thoughts about other issues, like SI too. It’s not been good.

So, it was nice to talk to someone who actually did understand and listened to me, even if it was brief. I’ve been given an Anti depressant which also helps with sleep. As it makes you drowsy. I have to take this at night. I was a little concerned about taking it last night with driving today. Can’t drive if I’m falling asleep can I? but I’ve been okay. Side effects are I’ve wanted to eat. I’ve been so hungry today that I ate this morning and then again at dinner. So I am defo going to have to watch that. As I don’t want to get heavier either.

I have to give them a good try. I have to be able to get out of the rut that I’m in, or I’m going to end up back at the hospital. For one reason or another. And I don’t want that. So this is how I’ve managed it, I’ve known I’ve been getting to this point for a while, and it’s like I go the docs and I avoid it. But I didn’t this week. I allowed myself to feel. And for someone who doesn’t like to feel, this is a scary thing. Like crying is a scary thing, if you let yourself cry, you feel weak. And I’m not weak, I’m stronger than that, but I’ve also cried a few times this week to.

So yeah, breaking point. I don’t want to break – I want to be okay.

I will be okay. 🙂

Personal Update

So yeah, just what it is.

Things over here not so good. We had pretty much a January from hell. With news about a close friend, and then my mum being diagnosed with Skin Cancer and having her op. Paul and I have both been ill and off work, hit with a nasty flu bug which knocked us both off our feet. Paul’s still not well with a bad chest infection that won’t clear and now Pleurisy.

We also lost my Uncle Bert last week, and his funeral was today. I couldn’t get the time off work, and it’s not like we were too close either but I might have liked to be there for mum. It’s been so tough this last few I just don’t know where I am fitting it all in.

I do know, I’m stuck, no sleep, no time to think or feel properly. I’m at that cusp of a breakdown, and its not getting easier.

That control I want and need from ED is creeping back. My health issues caused me so many problems I cut out all the rubbish and then that means all the good stuff too. Do I don’t I? I’m numb beyond words, and I want to get through this.

Sigh, also I had two lots of feedback from the beta group. Two totally opposites… and one that was just iffy to say the least.

I need to get away for like a year and do something exciting.

Any takers, fancy letting us sleep on the floor ?