Struggle

Hey guys.

I admit I’ve come to write a few blog posts over the last few weeks. While on holiday and then back at home. But I’ve struggled.

This week back at work was a proper doozy of a week. With my van breaking down and then swapping over to a new one and back, with catching up on things at home. I’ve never had time to actually do much of anything.

We have had the worst bad news so far this year, resulting in 3 losses of members of our family and close friends. The latter just this Thursday. It has not been easy on any of us, and the toll is there. It’s in the back of your mind when you are alone, and thinking of things.

I always try and balance the good and the bad. But the bad is outweighing things at the moment. I’m plugging away, but my brain is starting to slow, and my heart pains me.

I completed my campnano goal. Then forgot to validate… 😦 but I’ve been very happy writing in my TSK world. Which we also now have a twitter page! please follow us! https://twitter.com/TeamSecretKing I couldn’t get the full name we wanted, seems someone else has had that from 2009 and has actually never tweeted a darned thing. Sucks, but this one is fine 🙂

My closest friends know what I’m going through and in how I’m coping, I wanted to let everyone here and there know that although its been the pits, I’m kinda doing okay…. I’m eating, I’m trying to still walk and exercise and I’m trying not to drink too much. Stress brings out two things in me, the ED that wants to cut off all my fat and not eat like FOREVER! the voice in my head that tells me every time I get a minute alone, that I’m not worthy of love or anything that I hold dear. The voice that is a constant battle to kick to the curb and tell it I am worth more. And then there’s that one other more destructive way to drown out the voice for a while. SI. Which I don’t ever wish to return too, but it’s the thoughts that are a consistent battle and the thoughts at the moment which are there pounding away at the resolve that I do have left.

I want to give in.

I don’t want to fight.

But I must.

For everything that is in my life which is good, is worth more than this rubbish. ED will you just F’in do one!

So yes, it’s more than a struggle. And I’m putting it out there, so that people know why. The day job sucks eggs. I love my customers, the people in work are so so. They try and make you laugh, when inside you feel like dying. But it is there, and it’s good to be out the house.

There it is. The thoughts I’m stuck with. The week I want to just put aside, like the rubbish year it’s been.

I am concentrating on my writing, trying to be the best I can be, for the people who care.

Love you all x x

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