Well Ed won,

and I am the stupid one, all week I have been listneing to him, begging me to come back and I did, and I feel so much better for it. I was ill the other day and because I got a bug then I went back to him i havent eaten since, and even though i have tried to drink soup the other side bulimia has reared its head.

I dont know what to do I feel so useless and I am so  so ashamed of myself, no one around me seems to notice the pain I am in and if they do then they dont seem to care.

The day I was off sick from work two of my friends text me to say that the polish ladies were finishing that day and I was so upset, I rang the manager at work and asked him why, I was made out to be such a fool as it was a joke and no one thought that I was really ill and that I couldnt deal with things like this, when i got off the phone with the manager i cried and oh so did I cry,

I feel useless and used and stupid and ed has won i went back, and I feel so worthless,

We got an offer today for pauls acciednt which he has accepted but i dont feel much better, i know it is good but i am so down at the moment,

I am so sorry i feel i have done the worst thing possible and I am guilty as charged.

Sorry.

Dawn

xx

Hey everyone

Maybe I should put this somewhere else, but i dont know, I am just trying to find the right words to actually say how I am feeling right now.

Last night I actually cried myself to sleep, and I know that is a real bad sign, ed was actually getting to me big time, the things that had happened during the week, and the feelings I was getting through the weekend were begining to be too much.

I dont think I have cried for a long time, but it wasnt just ed, if you know what I mean, it was everything, I have had a few bad things happen and i think they are catching me up, I know I try to ignor everything and sometimes everyone, and I try and stay positive, but at the moment I cant deal with things and its wearing me down.

My nan is very sick and while out with my dad last week I realised that I havent been to see her in the house since she got home, as I cant see her, she is very ill and I dont think I want to remember her in such a bad way, It was pretty bad in the hospital and I didnt deal with that well, and I think I am maybe being really selfish for that , as I know she would love to see me, even though she may not remember everything.

At work we have had to lay off three of my friends as there is no work anmore, and they are thinking of letting go of two others. That means I will be left with the friend who was part responsible for the lead up to the abuse last year. I told the manager last week that if he thinks he can leave me in the back room with this girl on my own then he has another thing coming, she is responsible in a way for some of the sh last year, and this year because of her behaviour, and no matter what i say to her things will never change. She comes to work in a bad mood, and makes me feel so miserable, i know I couldnt cope with her on my own and so I am praying that they will keep my two last remaining polish friends on. I know we need them in work its just a matter of making managment see it.

No one asked us today if we wanted overtime tomorrow at 6 so i told the girls it was 745 start I know that maybe we should be in at 6 but I aint a mind reader, and I want a lie in anyways. So if we get behind they can blame me tomorrow.

I guess I just wished things were simpler, and that people wouldnt say things that they didnt really mean, and I know they do..

I am glad I had somewhere to turn to tonight and somewhere to talk.

Thanks,

 
Dawn

Xx

9/09/200617:21

Hi everyone

Just a quick update, I am doing really good at the moment, recovery is hard, but I am fighting ed and winning, it is possible to keep ed at bay, but its hard to know when the fight will be won.

Keep fighting everyone, and keep smiling.

hugs Dawn

xx