Maybe I should put this somewhere else, but i dont know, I am just trying to find the right words to actually say how I am feeling right now.
Last night I actually cried myself to sleep, and I know that is a real bad sign, ed was actually getting to me big time, the things that had happened during the week, and the feelings I was getting through the weekend were begining to be too much.
I dont think I have cried for a long time, but it wasnt just ed, if you know what I mean, it was everything, I have had a few bad things happen and i think they are catching me up, I know I try to ignor everything and sometimes everyone, and I try and stay positive, but at the moment I cant deal with things and its wearing me down.
My nan is very sick and while out with my dad last week I realised that I havent been to see her in the house since she got home, as I cant see her, she is very ill and I dont think I want to remember her in such a bad way, It was pretty bad in the hospital and I didnt deal with that well, and I think I am maybe being really selfish for that , as I know she would love to see me, even though she may not remember everything.
At work we have had to lay off three of my friends as there is no work anmore, and they are thinking of letting go of two others. That means I will be left with the friend who was part responsible for the lead up to the abuse last year. I told the manager last week that if he thinks he can leave me in the back room with this girl on my own then he has another thing coming, she is responsible in a way for some of the sh last year, and this year because of her behaviour, and no matter what i say to her things will never change. She comes to work in a bad mood, and makes me feel so miserable, i know I couldnt cope with her on my own and so I am praying that they will keep my two last remaining polish friends on. I know we need them in work its just a matter of making managment see it.
No one asked us today if we wanted overtime tomorrow at 6 so i told the girls it was 745 start I know that maybe we should be in at 6 but I aint a mind reader, and I want a lie in anyways. So if we get behind they can blame me tomorrow.
I guess I just wished things were simpler, and that people wouldnt say things that they didnt really mean, and I know they do..
I am glad I had somewhere to turn to tonight and somewhere to talk.