24/04/09

Ok, so yeah I am here again.

Feeling really quite depressed actually. Even though things have been going quite ok.

I am trying to eat properly. But there is this aching in the back of my head which is really starting to tick me off.

Anorexia is such a buzz, and I hate to say that I want that buzz back. I went most of the day on Monday without eating, and then again on Tuesday.

I have taken part in this script writing challenge and through this met some people through a group on the internet. I posted last week saying I would try and get to one of their meetings, and this week I finally had the chance.

I am always really really scared in meeting new people and doing new things. Tuesday night and I was really wanting to back out, and just send that message, and become one again a total introvert.

I can’t trust myself and I don’t trust people, no matter how I look on the outside and more to the point in feeling like this I hate myself and feel that everyone else around me will feel like that.

My head tells me all these terrible things, and I just want to curl up and basically cut myself off once again from everyone and everything around me.

Nothing makes this any easier, I am never going to be happy.

I want to start swimming again, but I know this is the anorexia trying to worm its way back in. If I go dancing at the moment I will feel fatter than ever and I cant face that.

I wish things were so easy and I wish that this damned illness never ever existed. But it does, and I have to deal with it.

I know what I have to do. I have three sessions left with Shirley at Cheadle, and I should message her, and get my arse back to someone who I can talk to.

At the moment I feel much worse about myself than I think I have before.

It hurts and it hurts like hell.

Much love everyone.

Dawn

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