17/04/06

Ed you are so so so wrong, and you think you are winning,You are so not, things are bad Yes, people are doing my head in but I am not giving in, I will start the day tomorrow, fresh and ready for yet another battle.

You do sometimes win, but not the war.

You will never own me again, and I will not NOT give up

 

 

I am struggling so so so much there is nothing anyone can do only me,

 

We had to have our cat put to sleep on thursday, he was 2 years old, and adorable. He contracted an illness called FIP, which can spread from cat to cat.

 

We had thought he was a little sick, he had had worms the week before and never seemed to get any better after worming, he was losing weight and not eating a lot, so we decided an overhaul was the best thing, we took our other cat Spooky too.

The vet examined him and said he was in a very bad way, his liver wasnt working properly and she thought he may have either had a tumor or an allergic reaction to the worming tablets.

 

Typsey was sent straight to their bigger practice where he was given an xray of his stomach and he had blood taken.

Two hours later we gets a phone call, its this FIP ( I went to animal school and I’d never heard of it) It infects the cat and the cat cannot fight it, basically all his internal organs were finally shutting down.  There was treatment to keep him alive for perhaps another few weeks but it wasn’t worth hurting him anymore, you could see the sadness in his eyes.

Paul was with him when he went to sleep, I couldnt be there.

 

On thursday my best friend <st1:place>Sian</st1:place> came up to comfort me, she bought me a lovely gift, a necklace and a bottle of wine. Both went down a treat.

 

I know drinking isnt the answer but it helped me get to sleep. I woke up fri morning though in such pain, I had the runs and then when I tried to have a drink I started to vomit. YUK drunk I was and I felt it.

 

I can normally drink much more than a bottle of wine but with not eating much all day as I was too upset I think it just went to me head.

 

I cannot think of a worse year in my entire life.

 

We went to see my nan who is in hospital on Fri night, and she is in a bad way, the doc’s dont seem to know what to do. I don’t think they can do anything.

 

My mum then rang me with the test results of her Xray. There is no change. How can there be no change she should be getting better from phunmonia surley its been two months. She said it could be scarring on her lungs so she has to see a specialist next week.

I just wish things would get easier you know, everything is just such a mess, I dont know where I am anymore.

 

Ed is calling me and I dont want to go back, but its getting so hard.

 

Umm I think this post is very very long. I should go,

 

Love ya all.

 

Dawn

xxx

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13/04/06

 

Hi everyone,

Just to let you all know, my mum was taken into hospital on monday, she started with a pain on sat in her back, and it just seemed to get worse and worse, she couldnt move. She has had 3 bad chest infections in the last two months, and this one has been diagnosed as phumonia, now turned into septacemia, I been to see her tonight and she looks just the same, my little ol’mum, but she looks week and so so tired, really drained, I feel awful, you know how it is, life gets in the way of so many things, and the people we love the most, we also sometimes neglect the most.

 

I am finding it very tough this week not to think really bad things about myself and my sad life, but I have also been fighting it so hard, I have just been given the release and something like this knocks me for six,

I came home from the hospital on tues, crying, I felt so sad, I need my mum so much, yet I didnt even know, and I guess I do now…

So many bad things went through my mind on tues, Paul was out with his mate, and I was alone with a bottle of wine, I tried to ring a friend, but there was no answer, she been away for a few days, as a holiday. so I tried another friend and no answer.

 

I did good though, I didnt give in even though there was no one to talk to, I kept my head held high and I didnt let ed in. I had about half my wine, tucked up in bed, watched some telly and went to sleep.

 

Today now its easter, I have some time off and I can spend some more time at the hospital too. Frank mums hubby is going fishing with mine tomorrow, so I got the time to myself, I will enjoy it.

 

Please even though sometimes we dont get on with our families and our mums, remember how special they are and how much we would miss them if they werent here.

 

Hope you are all okay,

Huge hugs going out to you all

Dawn

xxxx

01/04/06

 

Just to let everyone know

I have been six months now in recovery, I saw my cpn yesterday, and he was so proud of me, he says I have the confidence and the intelligence to now handle anything life throws at me,

It was quite sad to say bye to him, but I am now discharged, and even though I am sad I am so so so happy.

I know we all can do it, and I know it does get easier.

Love Dawn