29/09/07

 

This week I have barely had the motivation to do anything, so haven’t been on here much, apart from to see what everyone else has been doing, so I thought I would just give a quick update.

I have been quite low in mood all week, but it has picked up from the week before. So that’s something positive, I am not looking forward to this week, as I will here from the hospital and I know then that I will have to do what they are asking, and my ed inside my head is saying not to and to deny everything that I am at the moment craving.

I still haven’t really looked at my script and the report back from New York. I should be excited and revved up to keep on moving forward, but I am not excited at all, and so I know something is really wrong. I know I am not the real me at the moment.

My Nan is not so good to, my mums Nan, the kind lady who puts us up every year for 8 weeks and doesn’t ask of anything, but a cooked meal at night, and some cleaning. (Lol) I love her to bits, but can see how she is deteriorating each week, she wants someone there all the time really and unless My mum and her brother can come up with something, I am afraid she will lose the house and end up in a home, and I really don’t want that.

I know its not long before we leave the caravan site, and we will be there, so I don’t think anything has to be decided until March next year, but I know for this year I really am going to have to keep pushing my mum, I think its one of those things she just cant admit to yet, but I saw how bad it was getting for her last year, and fear this year will defiantly be worse.

Im cooking at the moment, for my mum and step dad, Frank. They are coming up to spend the night, have a nice meal and a few drinks, watch a film, and chat about everything.

I am sure it will be good, but still there is food involved and I really don’t want to eat anything else today, it’s driving my nutty.

Umm what else is going on, not much really, I spent the day cleaning, and repairing everything, and doing a bit of reading. Paul has been fishing again, so am just waiting for everyone to arrive now.

Please take care everyone, Martin, Nex, Claire, Marcie, Stewart, and umm loads more.

Hope this week will be different and I can spend some time here.

Dawn xxx

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21/09/07

 

Hey there everyone.

So had a bad week, but at least it is over, have been picking myself up slowly, although hardly ate anything at all, so feeling bad for that, as Ed is winning. I started this morning off not so good, ate a bit of toast before going horse riding. I think I would have fallen off other wise, oops.

When I got there Michelle had us booked in for ten it was 850… So I had a wait, plus it’s normally learners at ten, so we managed to squeeze in early and had our lesson before them. My normal horse Rufus is sick so I was put on Belle, and she was great, a bit smaller so I felt a bit sorry for her lumping my weight around, but her trot and canter were fantastic, she is much easier to ride, and not as lazy. So I am having her next time.

I heard from New York in the week, but wasn’t up to really thinking about it. I read the critique from the editor, and I have some improvements which can be made, so I am going to start them today. Then I also heard from my agent, who wants me to continue with a bit of extra coaching. I am unsure as I still think its a scam, but if I am learning and improving my skills in most ways it isn’t, its just money after all, and to invest in any care most of us go to college don’t we,

Also heard from the hospital, and they are having a meeting about me on the 1st October, to see when I can go in for a bit. Am really feeling low about everything, but am trying not to let it get me down to much. I had a bad week, am sure there are people out there who also have had bad weeks.

I am looking forward to some good ones though, and I have my holiday in 4 weeks, so am focussing on that. I know I need a break.

Hoping to get round to say hello to everyone today, but I might not, take care all. Love to ya….

Dawn xxx

18/09/07

 

If I could turn back the clock to last night and do it over again I would have.
I made such a mess of everything, meaning myself.

I done something I don’t normally do and freaked out big time. I went to you tube and watched some bad videos, which are ok if you can handle them but I guess I just couldn’t.

I ended up self harming last night, not badly but the thing is I did it, and I had no idea that I was going to.

I think everything is just getting to me so much, I am going to have a break, I need one.

So please if you don’t see me around much I am sorry and I want you to know. Nex, neo, Martin Chris, and Stewart, that over the last few weeks you have helped me so much… and I really mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I think I just need to get this fight sorted in my head, and try and move forward again.

This isn’t a blog to get any attention for what I did, but it’s to try and help me focus on the things I need to do.

I need to start eating more, and start to think about more positive things…

I need to kick my own ass and stop letting this illness rule my head.

Thank you everyone for being there. Your words of encouragement are amazing and I think about you a lot. Hope everyone is ok, and maybe I will get to speak soon, but for now, I can’t, and I am sorry for that…

Take care. Dawn xxxxx

 

16/09/07

 

I am trying to think positive, but at the moment I can’t, without being too blunt I am just hurting so much.

If I don’t think about it and carry on with life, and don’t pause, I am ok, but because I have to talk about things and address them nearly every week I am thinking more about it.

I had a great day with Kate yesterday, silly little sod, got me to go on a sunbed for 8 mins, and I burnt, now my ass is red and sore, lol, but we walked to her friends in town and really enjoyed the day, she is a great person, but she is sad to, I wish there was a magic wand to take away everything that is bad in the world.

Kate is now moving again; to go live with an older lady who needs some help so am sure things will be very different for her for a while.

After being out all day, we went to kate’s mums, who had to feed me, yes I was hungry it was 3pm and I hadn’t had anything all day, so I ate a bit, but I then had to go to my own mums and eat again at 7, and my mum had made a starter and a roast dinner.

I explained that I had already eaten something, and couldn’t have the starter, and I got to put my own dinner out so I mostly had veg and then gave my spud to Paul later, but I still feel so awful, I hate the thought that food got the better of me yesterday, and that I ate, and I wasn’t sick, I so want to just I don’t know disappear, I feel so huge even though I know in some sense I am not, I am a size 14 and I do look in the mirror and think I am ok, but in my mind all I see is that girl I used to be that size 30 and I feel immensely tired of everything.

Facing your fear isn’t good, I wish I didn’t have to eat at all, and I wish this deep pain inside really would go away.

I am tired and I am fed up of feeling like this.

I want to be happy but I can’t be. I don’t deserve it.

I am sorry for this rant, Hannah you are so wise and I wish I could explain more about why I feel so bad, I just feel fat, and that is trying to control everything I think about.

I even had a nightmare about the hospital wanting to keep me in last night, and not letting me out….

My whole waking and sleeping side of life are haunted.
By this thing I hate.

Im going to look for somewhere to stay now in Manchester, and I don’t want to, I don’t want to go, because that means I have to fight and there isn’t much in me at the moment…

Take care all and speak soon.

Dawn xx

14/09/07

 

Just wanted to say a big thank you to some of my friends, for being there when things are really bad, and for the lovely messages on my last blog.

I have had yet another strange day, but I am ok, I went to the docs this morning to get some more happy pills as they seem to be doing ok with me at the moment, so was going to keep with them, and I mentioned to the doctor that I seem to be bruising a bit, as have quite a lot at the moment, and he took the pills off me and sent me for an immediate blood test, apparently these pills and most of them can cause blood disorders.

So I went for the tests, and the nurse was really nice, but boy she hurt me, and I decided to pass out, lol, oh dear I felt so sick, all panicky and sweaty, and Yuk, needles don’t really bother me as I have two tattoos. But oh dear me, I felt bad…

Anyways now I have a nice bruise developing on my arm, so there you go, am glad it’s Friday and the week is over, I can start fresh again…

Take care everyone, and speak to you soon.

Dawn xx