11/09/07

 

Today hasn’t been a good day but, I have survived.

I went out last night to meet my friend Sian, which was really nice, although late as usual her company is a blessing and she is a wonderful friend…

I went to the hospital this morning to see my local psychiatrist, and although some things have improved others haven’t. I am not being sick three times a day, haven’t for a few weeks, and I am a little happier in mood, but I am really not eating as much, and even Sian said I still lost weight since the last time I saw her,

Really I don’t think I have, I feel so fat and ugly, I cant bare to see myself in the mirror, and any male attention, forget it, no chance, I am just not worth it…

The doc wants me to go into hospital and I already know this from Manchester already, but financially I can’t do it, I can’t take a week off work and then expect to stay out there and have money to spend when we don’t have it.

I just don’t know what to do, should I see my mum and ask her to give me it??? I just don’t know, I am sick I know I am but I really want help, and I can’t get it. Its sooooo pathetic….

This system that works here just doesn’t really work at all, and its sad….

I am sorry to moan about this to everyone, but I am feeling really bad today, my friend left and I feel all lost,

what can I do, just give up….

No I can’t…..

Love ya all.

Dawn xxxx

06/09/07

 

So this weekend hasn’t been too bad, I went out with a friend yesterday to get Monika a leaving prezzie, got her a huge picture frame, so she can make a collage of everyone, and I sorted out a load of pics for her to put in it, they we got her a nice butterfly frae for something more personal like a family picture, and a lovely clock to match.

I also bought a pink hat and some pink socks and a belt, now I am not normally a pink girl but this is for breast cancer awareness, so thought why not, then my friend called me a bitch as she said I suited the hat and she couldn’t wear them, Aww poor thing, I had loads of fun with her though, she is well organised when it comes to her weekly shop, bloody hell I wander round not knowing what to get, and she makes a list, wish I was like that..

Last night I felt quite bad, managed to eat a bit during the day but think I had lost my will to live by the time tea time had come, I spent a few hours trying to help a friend sort out his internet but then ended up knackered as couldn’t sort it. He had a so called expert set it up for talk talk for him and they never even bothered to load on the talk talk home disc, so nothing was set up, now I think I made a mistake somewhere as I then couldn’t access the emails, but with a phone call to talk talk it should be sorted, I am sure I just didn’t put the right password in or something..

Anyways, one of Paul’s old friends Ron docker turned up after his fishing trip last night, and he brought his own tea with him so he hung about for 2 hours, I managed to eat a bit of lasagne and some chips, while he was there but really didn’t want to…

Its a long story with Ron, basically he used to come round every week for his tea and to go out to play snooker with Paul, but we went on holiday a few years back and he ruined it so Paul and him fell out, he hasn’t really been round since then, and to be honest I don’t want him just getting back into the old habits, so hope it wont start again.. Paul knows how I feel though so I know he wouldn’t let him…

So last night was bad, I felt really low, and after watching a film and we went to bed I was awake most of the night, had a couple of bad dreams as well which didn’t help. So have since been in bed most of the day, which I know wont help tonight as will not sleep again, maybe I will have a drink to calm me down, and I don’t mean vodka, think I need a hot milk or something lol….

Anyways, today got some writing done, and hope to do a bit more before I sign off…

Hope everyone else is doing ok, I know I aint been round much but its been a bad few weeks…

Take care all… Love Dawn xx

 

05/09/07

 

Wow busy night, been editing and polishing my script and stuff to send to new York, so that’s it, I have done as much as I think I can, so now lets see what happens hey…

Im hoping it gets a good review if nothing else, so keep your fingers crossed.

Anyways, as for everything else, what’s happened so far this week, ummm not much, Monika has decided to leave the flat I moved her to a few months back, she cant afford it now, so she is moving in with Kate, which is good in a sense, at least they wont be working together and living together, that would be a recipe for disaster… heheheh

Nothing else much has happened, its really quiet in work, and I hope to god that Kate is going to stay, I don’t want to be left alone again like I was late last year, I know I have some other good friends, but its really not the same…

I also hope our jobs are safe to, am thinking if it is so slack now it’s going to be way worse in winter when no farmer wants boxes….

Life is really weird aint it.

I’ve not done great with food this week, been sick twice, and hardly ate in the first place, so managed some bacon and eggs tonight and got some for dinner tomorrow got to try and keep my energy levels up. I still aint sleeping and am finding it so hard to want to do anything at all this week, I am really having to force myself, anyone out there got a bomb to shove up my ass…. lol

Anyways, I have had enough typing, for today anyway, I really wish I had a printer, got so much stuff to do and nothing to print it off on……… grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………… Oh well I am defiantly going to get one next week, sod what Paul says, he’s been buying fishing stuff so am getting something I need…

Hope everyone is ok, and sorry to those who I haven’t said hello to in a couple of days, been a pretty crap week so far, and I don’t think its going to get much better, think I need some time off, maybe I will do soon….

Love ya all…. Dawn xxxxxx

03/09/07

 

So today has been one of the worst ones in my entire life, I don’t know where to start really…
Well ok, from the top, so our manager comes round today and tells Monika as from after her holiday there is no work for her with us anymore…. Like WHAT??????

I know its quiet and they are really penny pinching like but come on…

So we go for a few drinks, at Kate’s new place, of which Monika brings a very nice bottle of vodka, and we drink, she then is very ill, and my other friend remembers something from her past that kills off all the ambience,

All in all a pretty shit day, and also my other friend had his mirror smashed on his car, so just not good….

Am going to bed to commiserate

Dawn xx

01/09/07

Had a great morning, been up early and managed to speak to my friend on the polish chat messenger, which was quite hard, Im not that good at polish….

I went for my riding lesson, which was great, I sweated buckets, and am sure poor Rufus just knew I wasn’t in the mood for it, he was acting up, he broke his record for how many poo’s he can have in 45 mins, and he kept stopping to trump, bless him, he must have felt awful.

Michelle has been having extra lessons, while I haven’t been able to go, so she is a little better which was good, as she kept Dimple going really well today. She had a canter, but I didn’t feel up to it, with my foot being bad and all. Don’t know why, it’s gone from being a sore hip, to a bad foot, and no pain in the hip… weird…

Anyways, had a few more emails off New York, the contract is back with the signature from their end, so am raring to go….

I hope this is a good thing, I know it aint easy trusting people when you are short on cash, but I suppose you don’t get anywhere in life, without trusting at least a few people…

Anyways, as for how I am feeling…

Ummm, not too bad at the moment, weight has gone down just a little, but am managing mostly to eat twice a day, even if its only a sandwich, or cheese on toast, but am making the effort, and I know I will get there.

I have an appointment on the 11th with a new psychiatrist up here, so will see how that goes, got the dentist on Monday, so will see how my teeth are as well.

I hate having an ed, as it affects your teeth, and I do love my smile, its one of the things I do actually like, and almost everyone thinks its infectious…. lol… me infectious…

Anyways, for neo and nex, missed you both this week, the time zone diff sucks… but I hope you will be on later today so we can chat…

Now after my ride and managing some breakfast I am off for a kip, my eyes are shutting now while I type, not good…

Speak soon all, and thinking about ya…

Dawn xx