30/11/07

 

I am so so so so fed up….

Considering I thought last week was bad enough, but you know, I have really had enough.

On Monday I did have a really good talk with Shirley, I know where I am going wrong so to speak.

I bottle everything up, I don’t talk about my feelings, or about something which is bothering me. I use food to block out all my feelings, and to hide away from everything. I stop eating because it helps me feel numb to things. Makes me feel like I am in control and that I can face the world, put on this happy face and please everyone.

The only thing is I am not making myself happy. All I am doing is making me sick and miserable.

I got Paul to pick me up on Monday night after a very emotional day. And I had a really bad sleep, and then got up to take my Nan to her sisters.

I got there ok and she was just going inside, she informed me that she had fallen and was ok; we got inside and waited till she was ready to go out. Then headed out.

I don’t know how but she fell over, It was like out of a horror movie, and it was awful she went down like a sack of spuds.

Luckily a woman passing was able to help me get her up and into the house. I got her coat off and saw her arm. It was well out of place and I dialled for an ambulance.

We spent all day in the hospital and I stayed there Tuesday night, Wednesday with Paul and then last night after another bad day

I am past tired, past caring and more than anything I want to stop eating. I hate it and I hate myself.

I have to keep eating so the worst thing is I have to face my feelings.

I don’t really know what to write, I am sorry.

I am sorry for being this foolish person who can’t seem to find the woman she wants to be.

I am going to the hospital for a bit longer, and I hope I will be ok and keep on fighting this, but this blackness is tough right now,

Dawn x

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24/11/07

 

Ok OK OK OK….

Give us a break please, why is everything sooo bad, why does it have to be like this………………….

I really have had enough of it. I am sick of everything, of everyone, and myself.

Thursday

We spent Wednesday night at my Nans as usual, and I had a lovely relaxing bath. Went to bed early and got up and walked to the hospital, it was a bit wet but it was ok.

I started off really well, managed breakfast and snack, but then at lunch I got put in front of me, the most huge jacket potatoes with cheese and beans I had ever seen in my life.

I really did not want to eat it. I really struggled with it. The head nurse is still off sick and we had another nurse in who I had never met before, she called one of the other girls out and chastised her for looking at her food. I mean come on it was the most awkward thing to give us, most of us would only dream about eating that as a main mean not a flipping snack….

The dietician cancelled on us and we were left to our own devices in the afternoon, so I went for a walk with one of my friends, and we had a really good chat.

It was a tough day for us all.

When it came to dinner, luckily enough it was sweet and sour pork and rice and although I had to have a yogurt after it, I felt ok, as it wasn’t anything as bad as that spud.

I got on the train feeling really deflated and worn out, and then the stupid thing broke down in Wigin and I got home late. Grrr.

Michelle rang me and told me our old secretary had died, from a heart attack in the gym. How bad is that….?

My nan was really nice to me though, and we had a good chat. Paul had gone out which I was a bit miffed at as I wanted to talk to him as well and then felt like I couldn’t as he had been drinking, I cried myself to sleep.

Friday….

Could it get any worse, OH YES MUCH WORSE

I got a call off Paul at 10, to say the alternator on the car had gone, and the R.A.C were coming out to it. One bill we def can’t afford. Then he said his wages hadn’t been paid into the bank. Great.

So I walked to the village and put a cheque in to cover our bills, and had a nice day with my nan. My step dad called, and had a brew and it was nice to see him as well, I do miss work even though I am better off concentrating on myself, I feel a bit left out.

Then I waited for Paul to come pick me up. I made our tea, although am not a good judge of food at the moment, and there wasn’t really enough for the both of us, and I ended up having to have a slice of bread with mine to try and make it up.

Paul picked me up and then said there was an urgent meeting to be held at work for him at 6 and he was worried.

When we got there, everyone had already been informed that the company had gone into liquidation and would no longer be trading as from 6pm that night.

We stayed behind to help some of his friends pack up their tools and then we took his bus to Carlisle to help Darren out, before everything got snatched.

Didn’t get back home last night till 12pm, and then I didn’t sleep.

I was really upset again this morning, and cried my eyes out, and even though Paul held me and tried to calm me down I don’t think anything is going to work.

I feel so deflated and so useless, and helpless, I knew this year was going to be a bad one, but come on, do I really deserve all this punishment, am I really that bad a person, I have to take all of this.

I just want to run away and pretend that everything will be ok, but this isn’t going to go away very easily. I am completely taken aback…

I have so many things to pay this next week, and nothing to pay them with. I think I will have to go on the game or something… Am I worth a few quid??

Just a joke. I could never do that, but I can understand why some people would I have enough problems without adding that to the list.

I just wish there was some way of getting out of this that didn’t involve asking my family for a helping hand. But I am going to have to.

Paul is going to go to the dole on Monday and see what he is entitled to get, redundancy wise, and as he wont get anything for his wages next week.

I know he can get another job, but at the moment, that’s not going to be good, in a way he is my carer he is helping me deal with food when I need support and I can’t have that taken away from me at the moment, I would defiantly turn backwards. I don’t want to eat anything I want ed to support me and help me through this, but I also want to get better.

I am churning in this world of badness and horrible luck. I wish something could change.

I know something will change; I will have to pull through this and keep on fighting, if nothing at least I have the support there to get me better, and keep me going forward.

I will have to use them and get everything sorted. If I go backwards I will have to pick myself up, or I will be admitted, I know that…

I hope one day in the next few weeks I will be able to forward some good news. But till then, know I am hanging in there, even if it is by a tiny thread….

Love to all my good friends. Dawn. xxxxxxx

 

21/11/07

This has been written about before but I don’t know how much I have said. So here it is me from the beginning,

As time began in the small world of new born Dawn Lloyd.

Born on13th December 1977, in Southport hospital, it was a Tuesday, and my mum had an early labour, I was premature, and not due till the following year,

I am sure as  baby I was a pain in the butt, as my nan said, at first I mixed my nights and days up and caused major hassle, lol.

My first early memories, aren’t good ones, as a youngster I started preschool, and met a girl who hated me, and yet then called me her best friend.

One late night after being fast asleep, I am woken by harsh screaming, very harsh screaming.

My mum…. what’s going on, she is in agony she is frightened and screaming so hard.  I am suddenly very scared and don’t know what to do, should I get out of bed, and go see.

What if I see something I shouldn’t?

I crept out of bed, and peered through the door, my brother was also up and being much younger than me was crying, my dad was trying to keep him out of the way.

I go to my dad, and ask what’s wrong? I am then pushed away. The sound of the front door goes, and my mum’s friend Christine comes in rushing to see to my mum.

I then see my mum banging her head against the wall, still screaming.

My dad pushes me in my room and shuts the door, inside I am alone and very scared.

My mums voice louder and louder. Banging and shouting going on.

I can’t do anything; I can’t get out of my room.

I go to my bed where my favourite dog is sitting, and I climb in and cuddle him and begin to cry myself.

There are loud sirens and bright lights and more sounds as, I hear people rushing up the stairs.

I eventually get to open the door again, and peek out side. My mum is being taken away, by two men in green suits.

I see my brother screaming and my dad holding him. But no one is with me.

I do not know what has happened to my mum, she has gone, and I don’t get to see her again for weeks.

I suppose my dad does what he can he tries to look after us both and work as well, but me and my brother were passed from pillar to post. Neighbour to neighbour, and my mum is not around.

I now know that my mum suffered from an anti cerebral brain haemorrhage, she was rushed to theatre and operated on, then she was kept in for two weeks, where she then had to have another operation as she had another.

In total she was in hospital for about 9 weeks, and then stayed with my auntie to convalesce.

I always remember the weather was hot, and the nice people me and bro stayed with, always gave us plenty of ice cream.

I think for me my next major ordeal was then going to primary school. and getting used to all the other kids there. It was weird at first, as it is for all kids.

My mum and dad as they used to work for my granddad used to drop us off at Christine’s so she could then take us and her own children to school.

I used to love going there, they had loads of pets, and lived by a wood which we could cross the bridge and go and play in, obviously supervised by her older son Michael.

Michael was of course a nasty child, a bully, and even though I adored him, he hated me, and nothing I could do would make him smile.

From then on I got used to being punched most days, and I suppose that’s where my brother then got the idea from, as he started to begin the same.

We were always fighting.  Of course as I was oldest, I used to get the blame, and Chris knew it. So of course played on it.

I then had an eye test, and was told I needed glasses; I went to the dentist and had to have a brace.

My brace I could take out at night, and my glasses I had to wear all the time. Those first pair of glasses got left everywhere on purpose, and I really hated them.

Hello Four Eyes.

I got called loads of names, and my brother started most of them.

I am trying to write something serious here, and my friend, (he knows who he is, is making me giggle toooooo much)

My mum and dad, decided to start their own business, and they bought it off some good friends, The business, was to compliment my granddads, and they went into fruit and veg trade, to local hotels and schools, in Southport.

They had about 6 people working for them and as a child I liked them all. I was learning about lots of new things, and I was happy.

My next door neighbours were great, and as a family we would go for day trips with them at weekends, and I would spend loads of time with them.

Rose and Ian became a big part of my life, and then Ian was taken away.

He was a motorcycle rider, and after a bad accident he lost his life.

I was devastated.

My mum and dad said I was too young to go to his funeral, and I wasn’t allowed, my heart had been broken, I used to think of Ian as my second dad. I loved him.

Now he had gone.

Things were getting much worse at school, I was a big kid, podgy and everyone used to laugh at me when we went swimming.

At dinner times, we used to sit at a table of 8 kids, the two oldest kids used to get to give out the dinners.

My two old kids were my worst nightmare.

Everything that they didn’t like. Fatty Dawn would have to eat it all.

Our teachers had gotten wise to some of the kids sneaking food they didn’t like out of the canteen and every table was supervised by the head kids.

My dinners were becoming not only hurtful but unbearable. I was being forced to eat, not only my own dinner, and maybe something I didn’t like, but other kids to.

I remember one particular day; I had to eat 8 hot dog sausages and buns, as no one else liked them.

I was stuffed felt sick and then I hated myself even more for not telling someone.

But of course, I was being told, if I told a teacher, I would be beaten up, I got a few bruises, just for thinking it.

It wasn’t till my friend told my mum what was going on that things got worse.

My mum wiped the floor with all the teachers at the school and all the dinner ladies, I had never ever seen her as mad as she was. It was frightening.

Then of course, the way the dinners were given out had to change, and I got the blame for all of it,

I was bullied even more, and the other kids, never got over it.

My weight which had gone up considerably, because of all the food became a big thing to point out, and they loved calling me fat and ugly.

Am still laughing ((((((((LES)))))))

My mum decided to try and help me lose some of the excess weight, and so my yo yo life style began.

My weight even at primary school became a huge issue. No clothes would ever fit me, and I had begun to hate everything about myself.

I had to have my dinners specially made be the dinner ladies, and I went on a sponsored diet to raise money for a local charity. I did do really well, but then the weight soon went back on.

I was never meant to be thin. My body just didn’t like it.

It was never meant to be!!!!

My weight when I first went to high school was 11st. I was just over 11 years of age, and I remember being weighed by the school nurse.

‘We shall have to do something about this’ she had said.

GRRRRRR….. Leave me alone, please……

To be continued…..

Dawn xx

20/11/07

 

Monday went ok, went to stay with my Nanon Sunday and went to the hospital; there were five people who couldn’t make it, so it only left three of us.

It was a quiet day, I got to know Pam a bit more and she is such a sweet heart.

My session with Zoë, in the morning, CBT therapist went ok, we talked for quite a while, and it was really good. We have an exercise to do now at home, on core beliefs. So am thinking hard about that.

Then we had the dietician, and we learned all about the body’s metabolism and how it works, or rather in our case doesn’t work when we stop eating and it begins to eat other parts of the body.

It was actually quite scary, and very interesting, and I learned a lot, in how my body is reacting now, to the regimental way of food.

I was weighed and my weight hasn’t changed a bit, which has scared me, because ED keeps saying that I am getting bigger, and the evidence is I am not, and I don’t believe it.

It’s really weird.

I had my first session with Shirley and we talked a lot about what she can help me with, and what I want to get out of it.

She asked me to start from the beginning and tell her a bit of my life story. Where did I begin, oh no, well long story, am going to have to do some typing.

Not at the moment though, maybe later… Am exhausted.

Speak soon, Dawn xx

15/11/07

 

Ummm so things have changed a bit since last time I wrote, been kind of weird.

My Nan came home on Thursday, and after a hard day at the hospital, I went and stayed with her, and all day yesterday.

Paul picked me up in the bus last night, and we went for a drink with some of his work friends.

At the hospital, it went ok, portion sizes are still a bit much, I had to have desert after and it was awful.

In group therapy I started to cry again, and think I started a trend, but then afterwards, Shirley thanks me and says my openness is letting some of the other girls be honest to, she also said I had been referred to see a doctor for CBT, and she thought I would benefit more from her therapy TA. So we arranged to meet on Monday so I could start therapy with her.

I am kind of looking forward to it, as I can start to heal. But I am also not. Strange hey.

So now I have a new schedule, which will help my Nan and me I hope. Instead of coming home on the Monday and Thursday and spend the next day with her, and then Paul can pick me up, it gives me a day with her, and gives me someone to talk to.

Just need to sort the rest out with the other members of our family. At least then she will have someone with her, every day. Going to be tough but they will have to make some adjustments as I have,

Gotta go anyways, I hope you are all ok, and I am thinking of you all. Dawn xx