I am so so so so fed up….
Considering I thought last week was bad enough, but you know, I have really had enough.
On Monday I did have a really good talk with Shirley, I know where I am going wrong so to speak.
I bottle everything up, I don’t talk about my feelings, or about something which is bothering me. I use food to block out all my feelings, and to hide away from everything. I stop eating because it helps me feel numb to things. Makes me feel like I am in control and that I can face the world, put on this happy face and please everyone.
The only thing is I am not making myself happy. All I am doing is making me sick and miserable.
I got Paul to pick me up on Monday night after a very emotional day. And I had a really bad sleep, and then got up to take my Nan to her sisters.
I got there ok and she was just going inside, she informed me that she had fallen and was ok; we got inside and waited till she was ready to go out. Then headed out.
I don’t know how but she fell over, It was like out of a horror movie, and it was awful she went down like a sack of spuds.
Luckily a woman passing was able to help me get her up and into the house. I got her coat off and saw her arm. It was well out of place and I dialled for an ambulance.
We spent all day in the hospital and I stayed there Tuesday night, Wednesday with Paul and then last night after another bad day
I am past tired, past caring and more than anything I want to stop eating. I hate it and I hate myself.
I have to keep eating so the worst thing is I have to face my feelings.
I don’t really know what to write, I am sorry.
I am sorry for being this foolish person who can’t seem to find the woman she wants to be.
I am going to the hospital for a bit longer, and I hope I will be ok and keep on fighting this, but this blackness is tough right now,