30/11/07

 

I am so so so so fed up….

Considering I thought last week was bad enough, but you know, I have really had enough.

On Monday I did have a really good talk with Shirley, I know where I am going wrong so to speak.

I bottle everything up, I don’t talk about my feelings, or about something which is bothering me. I use food to block out all my feelings, and to hide away from everything. I stop eating because it helps me feel numb to things. Makes me feel like I am in control and that I can face the world, put on this happy face and please everyone.

The only thing is I am not making myself happy. All I am doing is making me sick and miserable.

I got Paul to pick me up on Monday night after a very emotional day. And I had a really bad sleep, and then got up to take my Nan to her sisters.

I got there ok and she was just going inside, she informed me that she had fallen and was ok; we got inside and waited till she was ready to go out. Then headed out.

I don’t know how but she fell over, It was like out of a horror movie, and it was awful she went down like a sack of spuds.

Luckily a woman passing was able to help me get her up and into the house. I got her coat off and saw her arm. It was well out of place and I dialled for an ambulance.

We spent all day in the hospital and I stayed there Tuesday night, Wednesday with Paul and then last night after another bad day

I am past tired, past caring and more than anything I want to stop eating. I hate it and I hate myself.

I have to keep eating so the worst thing is I have to face my feelings.

I don’t really know what to write, I am sorry.

I am sorry for being this foolish person who can’t seem to find the woman she wants to be.

I am going to the hospital for a bit longer, and I hope I will be ok and keep on fighting this, but this blackness is tough right now,

Dawn x

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