Ok OK OK OK….

Give us a break please, why is everything sooo bad, why does it have to be like this………………….

I really have had enough of it. I am sick of everything, of everyone, and myself.

Thursday

We spent Wednesday night at my Nans as usual, and I had a lovely relaxing bath. Went to bed early and got up and walked to the hospital, it was a bit wet but it was ok.

I started off really well, managed breakfast and snack, but then at lunch I got put in front of me, the most huge jacket potatoes with cheese and beans I had ever seen in my life.

I really did not want to eat it. I really struggled with it. The head nurse is still off sick and we had another nurse in who I had never met before, she called one of the other girls out and chastised her for looking at her food. I mean come on it was the most awkward thing to give us, most of us would only dream about eating that as a main mean not a flipping snack….

The dietician cancelled on us and we were left to our own devices in the afternoon, so I went for a walk with one of my friends, and we had a really good chat.

It was a tough day for us all.

When it came to dinner, luckily enough it was sweet and sour pork and rice and although I had to have a yogurt after it, I felt ok, as it wasn’t anything as bad as that spud.

I got on the train feeling really deflated and worn out, and then the stupid thing broke down in Wigin and I got home late. Grrr.

Michelle rang me and told me our old secretary had died, from a heart attack in the gym. How bad is that….?

My nan was really nice to me though, and we had a good chat. Paul had gone out which I was a bit miffed at as I wanted to talk to him as well and then felt like I couldn’t as he had been drinking, I cried myself to sleep.

Friday….

Could it get any worse, OH YES MUCH WORSE

I got a call off Paul at 10, to say the alternator on the car had gone, and the R.A.C were coming out to it. One bill we def can’t afford. Then he said his wages hadn’t been paid into the bank. Great.

So I walked to the village and put a cheque in to cover our bills, and had a nice day with my nan. My step dad called, and had a brew and it was nice to see him as well, I do miss work even though I am better off concentrating on myself, I feel a bit left out.

Then I waited for Paul to come pick me up. I made our tea, although am not a good judge of food at the moment, and there wasn’t really enough for the both of us, and I ended up having to have a slice of bread with mine to try and make it up.

Paul picked me up and then said there was an urgent meeting to be held at work for him at 6 and he was worried.

When we got there, everyone had already been informed that the company had gone into liquidation and would no longer be trading as from 6pm that night.

We stayed behind to help some of his friends pack up their tools and then we took his bus to Carlisle to help Darren out, before everything got snatched.

Didn’t get back home last night till 12pm, and then I didn’t sleep.

I was really upset again this morning, and cried my eyes out, and even though Paul held me and tried to calm me down I don’t think anything is going to work.

I feel so deflated and so useless, and helpless, I knew this year was going to be a bad one, but come on, do I really deserve all this punishment, am I really that bad a person, I have to take all of this.

I just want to run away and pretend that everything will be ok, but this isn’t going to go away very easily. I am completely taken aback…

I have so many things to pay this next week, and nothing to pay them with. I think I will have to go on the game or something… Am I worth a few quid??

Just a joke. I could never do that, but I can understand why some people would I have enough problems without adding that to the list.

I just wish there was some way of getting out of this that didn’t involve asking my family for a helping hand. But I am going to have to.

Paul is going to go to the dole on Monday and see what he is entitled to get, redundancy wise, and as he wont get anything for his wages next week.

I know he can get another job, but at the moment, that’s not going to be good, in a way he is my carer he is helping me deal with food when I need support and I can’t have that taken away from me at the moment, I would defiantly turn backwards. I don’t want to eat anything I want ed to support me and help me through this, but I also want to get better.

I am churning in this world of badness and horrible luck. I wish something could change.

I know something will change; I will have to pull through this and keep on fighting, if nothing at least I have the support there to get me better, and keep me going forward.

I will have to use them and get everything sorted. If I go backwards I will have to pick myself up, or I will be admitted, I know that…

I hope one day in the next few weeks I will be able to forward some good news. But till then, know I am hanging in there, even if it is by a tiny thread….

Love to all my good friends. Dawn. xxxxxxx