Ok, so yesterday wasn’t as bad as Monday, but boy it was still so much hard work.
I had to be up for 540, to get the train at 650, which wasn’t so bad, we only had to change once in Bolton, and then to heald green.
It took 30 mins to walk then to the hospital, and there mum left me to go on and do her wandering round all day.
I was glad she came but it must have been such a hard time for her with nothing to do, its bad enough for me and Im somewhere at least I can sit down and its warm….
Anyways, there were a few new faces, Hazel, Kate and Wendy, Siobhan, then Zoë, Holly and me.
Of course it started with breakfast, and then a snack later, I got to meet the therapist who I will be seeing today in a group session, which was tough, we all had to introduce ourselves, and then talk about our Ed and how it’s been for the last few weeks.
That was hard; she knew how I was feeling just from a few simple words, how crazy is that.
Well I know that’s what she is there for.
In the afternoon, they had an open day party as they have just moved buildings, and that was interesting, got to meet some of the people from across on the critical unit, and some of the anorexic girls, that are having inpatient treatment.
I have never felt more of a fraud than being in the room with them, I am a normal weight at least, and they looked sooo sick. I felt so sorry for them, but still my own body is sick to.
Today I have found it really really difficult to carry on with this food plan, I have terrible crippling stomach ach, and I really didn’t sleep at all last night. I was awake at 1am, yet I am so tired, I just don’t understand it.
I got up this morning after 7, Paul brought me some toast and coffee, and I read for a bit. But I feel so low; I have really bad thoughts going through my head. Really bad, as in self harm bad.
I don’t want to do anything, but am not sure if I will be safe all weekend. I think I am just going to have to really try.
I have been to see my doctor today, as I can only sign myself off from work for a week, and he signed me off for a month. Oh my god.
Now I feel such a failure, such a freak, no one is ever going to like me again at work, because I let them down, Steve is going to be really upset when Paul takes this note in.
I don’t know what to do, I am getting help, but it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, it has never felt like war but it is at the moment.
I am on my own now while Paul is at work and it’s quite boring, I have done a few bits round the house, but I haven’t any motivation for anything else.
Am going to go, this is depressing me even more.
Love Dawn xx
Today I have been horse riding again, which was really great.
I love Belle; she is beautiful and really listens to me. I am getting better and didn’t hold on to the saddle once today. Michelle is still having to, she is struggling a little, but I thought she was doing great; she seems to get Dimple to canter easier than I get Belle.
She came back for coffee which was really nice, and we had a good chat, she also mentioned how much weight I had lost, and was concerned, but I was ok in talking to her about it.
My head is really confused with what is happening. I wish it wasn’t, and it’s such hard work at every time I have to eat.
I wish it was easier.
Am sat here, listening to the fireworks, my cat has gone really jumpy, and scared, and sitting with her ears pricked up watching everything.
I feel like that and I am not even a cat, but my scary thing is food and what I have to eat.
I am hoping everyone is ok, I was awake at 4am last night and on the net, but there wasn’t anyone around to talk to.
Take care everyone, Dawn xx