So, yeah it has been a pretty mixed week.
Quite simple really, its been tough. Very tough. Work has been hard, hard to get through each day.
I hate that the nurse tells me things I already know. Blood pressure is still up. If it continues then I may have to go on tablets etc etc. My weight is a big issue with her, because I know I am a big girl. I don’t hide from it. But what would she sooner me be, eating, or not eating? No brainer really. My body is, as it is.
But there is a decision to make, between being ill in ‘one sense’ and then being ill in another.
I have had a good week ‘food wise’ stuck to what I wanted to eat and didn’t let the work side of things get to me so that I over did it. I have been quite shocked in the fact that a pair of wellies didn’t fit me over the weekend and now that they do. I don’t like drastic weight loss, it fuels the Eating Disorder behaviors that are so stuck in my head. Those behaviors which I fight so hard to ignore every single time I am confronted with food.
I wish Recovery was so simple, you get over it. But in my mind, you don’t. There is this thing that has been deep seated inside your brain for, well for me 17 years. 4 years in recovery just still doesn’t quite cut it.
The good thing is I know. I know all the tricks that ED tries. Believe me he sticks that knife in where ever and with what ever I do.
I still have the confidence and the drive to fight, and I won’t go backwards. It just really is a struggle sometimes.
I am glad that I can still say that, I am glad even though I am doing well with my writing and my personal stuff, that I don’t feel the need to change.
People will love me, or hate me. But, I don’t lie, and I won’t. Ed did that enough for me in those 17 years.
I’ve had some big issues with my Koi this week, and they’ve not got easier. One particularly sick fish is really struggling. But, I’ve had a good friend come out to help out today, and I’ve decided on a course of action. It still is touch and go. Costia is the worst thing I’ve ever encountered.
But it isn’t over yet. She hasn’t given up just yet, and neither will I.
Will let you know how we get on tomorrow. A sharp PP bath, and into my QT tank with my baby fish she will go. Fingers crossed.
I have had a very pleasant week. Best Friends going live on you tube, has been the light keeping me totally on track. I’ve had the nervousness, I’ve had the excitement and its been the best week of my life in that regard.
I can only hope that it continues to hit home and that people can relate to the girls situations and to the relationship they have with each other.
So keep watching, and keep us in your thoughts through this next week. On every level, I need positive vibes.