Posted on FS

Hello everyone, been a while really, but have been having a rough time, so tend to keep away.

Umm where do I start, well for those of you who don’t know me, I have been struggling with my ed for nearly 15 years, and have had a lot of counselling though out this period, but at the beginning of the year seemed to hit a bad patch again, had a couple of accidents which left my esteem at rock bottom, and couldn’t shift the depression, after going back to my doctor and asking for some extra help, I was passed from pillar to post, for a while.

At first there were a few things that triggered the Ed back into place, a friend of mine confided in me about her abusive past and it really upset me, brought back some bad memories that I couldn’t shake.

I also then found it hard to be around her, and as I worked with her it was difficult, basically for a while I was doing a lot of things with her to try and help her, almost every week, and because of a few miss understood texts our friendship begun to deteriorate, which was tough for me, as she kept on hassling me for a while, things have settled down a bit, although she doesn’t fully understand what I am going through she has at least tried to be there now, which is much better.

I lost my nan a couple of months ago to, which put extra pressure on our whole family, it was expected but still the shock of it actually happening makes us feel and act in ways we don’t really understand. I became very angry with a lot of people around me, and couldn’t express how I was feeling so began to shut everyone out, and then Ed got hold of me good style. And I listened to everything he said…

I haven’t felt this bad for so long, and I haven’t let him get hold of me like this in a long time, it really sucks.

Anyways, I got an appointment through with the Eating disorder unit inManchesterlast week and attended it, I saw a lovely woman Dr Sharma who asked a million questions of which I told the truth to, no point in lying it doesn’t get you any where.

She suggested I see someone up here on a regular basis again, even if it’s just to talk through some of my feelings, and she wants me to attend day care for while inManchester. Doing so would be good for me I think at this time, but I can’t do it, it means time off work and staying inManchester, as I can’t cope with the driving or travel on trains at the moment, my concentration is really bad.

I went back to see my own gp on Wednesday this week and we discussed anti depressants again, as I spoke to Dr Sharma about them in detail, I said I would give them another go, and have since started to take Flouroxatine again. Hoping they will at least calm some of me down, but with taking tablets comes side effects, and my appetite which was low, now has gone even lower, plus I am clenching my jaw in the night again, (something I do out of stress) and I cant open my mouth. grrr, I do have a soft plate I can put over my teeth to help make the impact on them a bit easier so I will have to start wearing it again.

Anyway seeing as Sarah has already said something I do have some positive things going on in my life.

I took part last year in a programme run by a company called First Take in Liverpool, which involved writing and making a short film, ‘Mother knows best’ written by my close friend Sian Dawson, and I have been asked to take part in another project in October this year. I have also sent off some of my work to an agency in New York, of which they are wanting to represent me, now here it gets a bit sceptical, as they are asking for an independent written critique to be done, of which will cost me about £60, I am not one for fussing over money, but I have been caught out when I was much younger by what they call vanity publishers, who praise your work and then hit you with a big bill. So am unsure as to what to do.

Realistically its not much more than some publishing companies asking for a reading fee, or asking for a critique to be done in the first place, so I am willing to have one done anyways, they are wanting me to sign a contact for 12 mths and am also willing for that, after all they would make so much more money in actually selling work than charging £60. They receive 10% of what you get.

So am a little unsure and nervous of a few things at the moment, and my eating is defiantly getting worse, I don’t want to succumb to it, but feel at this point I don’t have much fight in me….

I hope everyone is doing ok, and am sorry I have been away for so long, take care all you are never forgotten…

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx