Just a quick report, been a long day, and thanks to all my friends this week who have been dropping by, means a lot… specially nex and her other half…. Lycanguyver, clare, Hannah, and a few others.
Today has been ok, felt a bit wobbly this morning, haven’t eaten much at all this week, and believe me the scales are telling me so to, at this rate in 10 weeks I will be at my lowest weight again, and I know that’s not good news.
I also self harmed a little this week, which is really bad.
When I feel so low, and can’t get the thought out of my head, I can only fight it for so long. It’s like thinking of food. It haunts my every waking second, and even in the night, too. I had several bad dreams last night, which then kept me awake, so I am even more exhausted.
I also have been horse riding again, for 45 mins this time, and with cantering to, really I shouldn’t have done, as I wasn’t up for it, but I couldn’t let them Michelle down, and I do really enjoy it.
I went for a drink with my friend but never got much chance to talk about me, she never stopped talking about other things, but I think that’s just as she hasn’t seen me properly for a while, I won’t leave it for long before I speak properly about myself, but then again, why should I?
I think the only people I am honest with are you guys here, and my friendSian, and even then talking to her takes some doing.
Paul of course knows how bad it is, but I don’t really talk to him about it on a day to day basis.
I know when I see the doctor for my assessment next week I am going to be honest. I have to be, which is hard but I know I have to do it.
Anyways, one good thing I have been accepted to go on the 12th of October for the next filming project, so fingers crossed I will pull something out of my hat, and I will get a little further this time. Maybe they will make my film instead of my friends.
Sianwont be there as she is to busy but I can and will stand on my own two feet.
Off for a few drinks now, and a good nights rest, am really going to do nothing tomorrow apart from clean and do some brainstorming on ideas for short films…………..
Take care all. Love ya