So busy, so busy…

That time when the voice from within is trying to break through.

That time when I say, no, and really mean I will always say, no.

—— poem 2016, – Dawn.

What happens –

 

What happens to you, when you’re so busy you don’t allow yourself to feel?

What happens to you, when your life takes  a turn for the worse?

 

Do you stop, and allow yourself the time to heal?

Do you allow yourself the time to turn it around?

 

Not always do we have the strength to go on.

Not always do we have the heart to believe we’re worth more.

 

Yet, somewhere there is hope.

Somewhere there is a belief.

 

Belief that we are what matters.

Belief that we are so much more than just thinking or feeling.

 

We are strong, we are better.

We are more than ED.

 

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Life changing experience – New Me!

Hey everyone.

(This post will contain weights and numbers and could be triggering for some, please do not read if suffering)

I wanted to write this post because its been a long road, but a good one. It is going to cover some of what I’ve been through over the last few months in changing my weight and turning my depression on it’s head. It started 13 weeks ago and is entering it’s second phase and I really wanted to share how positive an experience it’s been.

I want to include a couple of pictures here, to show the differences in 18mths in myself and how my body has changes in the last 13 weeks too.

2015-08-15 09.24.26

This was where I started off in 2014. with my journey at The Wellness Centre in Burscough. But after all the good I did, I hurt my back and started off with 2015 as one of the worst years in our lives, I hadn’t realised how much I was comfort eating at work. (I drive a food delivery truck and the weight piled on, till I hit rock bottom and breaking point at 17 stone 2lbs.

2015-08-15 09.24.58

The bottom line is where I am at now.

I wasn’t one for pictures. But these were some taken last year, and early this year.

Old me      old me 2

This was part way through my journey with Lipotrim.

Middle me    middle me 2

And this is me now 🙂

2015-08-12 15.52.23     And me now. 🙂

Dawn Chapman

What I really wanted to discuss, was the change in my attitude though. After suffering with eating disorders for most of my life, I went into this knowing all the risks, all the ways it could go wrong, and all the ways it could go right. I decided that this was for me and that this was a decision I could make as an adult.

So I did it, I went for it, I struggled, I battled through the weekly regime and I have reached my set goal weight.

When I was attending Cheadle Royal Eating Disorders Unit, My weight went from 88kg and dropped to 71kg, this was after losing both my grandparents, and virtually not eating anything but yoghurt for 5 mths. I was in a bad place, but the Unit and the staff there helped me see why I did things and why I used food as a crutch, when food was no longer an issue in 2007 I turned to alcohol and Self Harm, it was a very bad year for me, but Cheadle Royal got me through it and in 2010 I was discharged from them at 83kg.

I have gone from 109kg to just under 83kg, and this is a good weight for me. I am happy, but this journey doesn’t stop here, because I need to carry on and be healthy. After going Total Food Replacement, I am now re-introducing foods again. I admit I was a little apprehensive of doing this. But, I was also armed with the re-feeding I did at Cheadle Royal.

This last week, I’ve been introducing healthy foods. Yey! and because this week has been such a milestone in my life. Reaching my target weight, and receiving the proof copy of my first novel, we went out to celebrate last night and I also had my first Vodka and Coke in 13 weeks.

With the help of The Wellness Centre now I have different goals. I do still want to reduce my body fat down some because I want to build my muscle back up again. My metabolic rate is the lowest I’ve seen it in a long time, and this also needs to pick up.

So, healthy eating and good foods. (It really tastes amazing now) and exercise.

For a treat, I booked a photo shoot for the 12th September. I’ve never done this before. Never wanted to document my life in such a way. Camera’s scare me! but I would like some professional pictures for my books and websites, and to do it because I know I can.

Eating Disorders and Mental Illness suck, but with things we learn over the years, we can pool ourselves together and turn a horrible year into the best year.

Keep positive when you have doubts, keep active when you want to hide. But more than anything, never give up.

Hugs.

Dawn

So quiet….

This post may contain some triggers, please be careful.

Hey guys,

I wanted to jump in and try and tell you everything that’s been going on, but putting words to paper has been pretty hard for me the last few weeks. In fact too hard.

It’s been the year from hell, I know many of you already know about some things that have been going on. We lost my uncle, then my hubbies best friend and then my aunt. My mum’s been in and out of hospital having two operations, the first wasn’t diagnosed as skin cancer, but the second one has just been confirmed. There has been one other life changing event, which I can’t talk about for legal reasons, but it involves my husbands other close friend, and is very heartbreaking for both parties. And it’s affected us all a lot in the last four weeks, hence why I’ve been so quiet.

My focus as usual has been for TSK. I’ve been working with a crit team in the UG on scrib who have been super awesome. And I’ve just knuckled down and gotten on with things. Critting and writing.

Book 1’s cover is almost done! I’m even more excited to share this with you guys, a few weeks. Then fingers crossed for publication!

TSK’s book 2 is back in for beta in August. I’ve worked my butt off on this one. And the shorts are just doing fab. We’re almost half way through with editing and finalising them ready for our website! I can’t wait.

Writing is re-writing and I’m learning to love the whole process, honest.

————— trigger

With all this that’s been going on this year, I have to admit I kinda let myself not worry over what I was putting in my mouth. And it was getting harder and harder to get in my largest pair of work pants. I was at the bottom, totally about to self destruct. In fact if I am honest, more than half way there…. which was just making me feel worse and worse. The anti depressants helped for the first few months, but with everything that hit us it just wasn’t doing anything at all.

I don’t know what made me decide to do something about it, it was one of those things which just happened but I went into my customers a chemist one day and decided to try the plan they support there, called Lipotrim.

I’ve never done anything like this before. But, it’s something that I just had to do. I’ve everything to gain, and more than enough to lose.

I wanted to talk just a moment about how this is not my ED head working. This is my perfectly sane brain, taking control of what I was doing and turning this horrible downward spiral into something positive.

My chemist is aware of how and what I went through, my doctor and my nurse all know I’m doing this, and although it’s been met with some stern looks and concerns from my husband, my mum also backed my decision.

I am taking things easy with it, not exercising at the same time. It will be for appprox 4mths, which I’m in week 4 already. I’m not talking about the weight loss, because that isn’t why I’m really doing it. I’m doing it for my sanity and at the moment I can honestly say I feel 100% better. I’m sleeping properly which for the first time in 8 mths is a massive thing for me. I’ve more energy and my body is so much happier. My feet love me, instead of complaining all day long.

This won’t be something that I’ll post about a lot, because I know how it makes some people feel. And me too, but this is a journey that I have to go through. One I will come out the other end of, hopefully having gotten through the worst year of our lives to date.

It tells me a lot when my husband admitted to friends that he thought my eating disorder was the worst thing ever, but this years beat that hands down. I know it has, this is a life changing year, in more ways than one. For us two together, and for my family on the whole.

I love having this blog, it’s been the best thing ever for me when I’ve had exciting things to share, and the saddest of things.

Sending this out into the ether, breathe out the negative, and breathe in the positive! At least now I am fighting in the right direction. Not allowing myself to get any lower. It’s a long way off, but we will get through this year!

Love to ya all.

Dawn x x

Struggle

Hey guys.

I admit I’ve come to write a few blog posts over the last few weeks. While on holiday and then back at home. But I’ve struggled.

This week back at work was a proper doozy of a week. With my van breaking down and then swapping over to a new one and back, with catching up on things at home. I’ve never had time to actually do much of anything.

We have had the worst bad news so far this year, resulting in 3 losses of members of our family and close friends. The latter just this Thursday. It has not been easy on any of us, and the toll is there. It’s in the back of your mind when you are alone, and thinking of things.

I always try and balance the good and the bad. But the bad is outweighing things at the moment. I’m plugging away, but my brain is starting to slow, and my heart pains me.

I completed my campnano goal. Then forgot to validate… 😦 but I’ve been very happy writing in my TSK world. Which we also now have a twitter page! please follow us! https://twitter.com/TeamSecretKing I couldn’t get the full name we wanted, seems someone else has had that from 2009 and has actually never tweeted a darned thing. Sucks, but this one is fine 🙂

My closest friends know what I’m going through and in how I’m coping, I wanted to let everyone here and there know that although its been the pits, I’m kinda doing okay…. I’m eating, I’m trying to still walk and exercise and I’m trying not to drink too much. Stress brings out two things in me, the ED that wants to cut off all my fat and not eat like FOREVER! the voice in my head that tells me every time I get a minute alone, that I’m not worthy of love or anything that I hold dear. The voice that is a constant battle to kick to the curb and tell it I am worth more. And then there’s that one other more destructive way to drown out the voice for a while. SI. Which I don’t ever wish to return too, but it’s the thoughts that are a consistent battle and the thoughts at the moment which are there pounding away at the resolve that I do have left.

I want to give in.

I don’t want to fight.

But I must.

For everything that is in my life which is good, is worth more than this rubbish. ED will you just F’in do one!

So yes, it’s more than a struggle. And I’m putting it out there, so that people know why. The day job sucks eggs. I love my customers, the people in work are so so. They try and make you laugh, when inside you feel like dying. But it is there, and it’s good to be out the house.

There it is. The thoughts I’m stuck with. The week I want to just put aside, like the rubbish year it’s been.

I am concentrating on my writing, trying to be the best I can be, for the people who care.

Love you all x x

Saying Goodbye

Today is a day where we get to say goodbye to a very close old family friend. Ronnie Docker.

It is not going to be a good day.

It will be, however, a day of reflection and one of many assaults on all my senses.

This year has been one of the worst for a few reasons. This being one of them. I don’t deal with death, or dying very well at all. It’s something I can’t see. Like literally I can’t see.

It might seem cold, and it isn’t. I just can’t deal with it. When my nan died on my dad’s side. She’d been very ill for a long time. I loved going to see them. But, the more she deteriorated, the more I couldn’t cope, in her last few weeks. Both Paul and my dad tried to get me to visit but I couldn’t.

Anorexia and depression already had me in it’s horrible grips as I was awaiting my call to go to Cheadle Royal hospital.

It was at her funeral that the beast took hold completely and over the next few months I lost around more weight than I should have. That day took me back to my earlier years you see, when my grandad died, to where I was being bullied at school left right and centre.

I don’t ever pertain to understand the complex way my mind works. Or in the how I deal with things. I don’t deal with some things very well at all, and that voice in my head just takes over instead. It is what it is. A coping mechanism for feeling.

I am where I am today because of those people and the ED that made me internalise all the things
hateful things anyone ever said.

Today, I am going to allow myself to feel. I am going to say goodbye to a gentleman who brought many things to my life. From your cantankerous old ways to the laughter and fun.

I know who I am, I will remember where I have come from, I will not go backwards, I will be okay.

Ron, where ever you are, be happy. We will miss you lots and lots.

~ Dawn