Personal Update

So yeah, just what it is.

Things over here not so good. We had pretty much a January from hell. With news about a close friend, and then my mum being diagnosed with Skin Cancer and having her op. Paul and I have both been ill and off work, hit with a nasty flu bug which knocked us both off our feet. Paul’s still not well with a bad chest infection that won’t clear and now Pleurisy.

We also lost my Uncle Bert last week, and his funeral was today. I couldn’t get the time off work, and it’s not like we were too close either but I might have liked to be there for mum. It’s been so tough this last few I just don’t know where I am fitting it all in.

I do know, I’m stuck, no sleep, no time to think or feel properly. I’m at that cusp of a breakdown, and its not getting easier.

That control I want and need from ED is creeping back. My health issues caused me so many problems I cut out all the rubbish and then that means all the good stuff too. Do I don’t I? I’m numb beyond words, and I want to get through this.

Sigh, also I had two lots of feedback from the beta group. Two totally opposites… and one that was just iffy to say the least.

I need to get away for like a year and do something exciting.

Any takers, fancy letting us sleep on the floor ?

RIP Hunnie….

Jay Taylor, a beautiful friend. Taken far too early.

 

For those who know me a little bit, and for those who don’t know me… 

I suffered with Anorexia and Bulimia for 16 years. I’ve been in recovery for 4, and a very hard fight to get to where I am. 

Today I lost a wonderful friend to the terrible illness, a friend who picked me up, laughed with me and cared for me, when she was suffering as much as I was. (i know that some people know nothing about these illnesses

This is my blog, but this is a place where people pop in from all over the world. They come and I hope they learn something too. Maybe you’ve known someone, or do know someone, or may in the future. 

RIP hunnie, your fight was a tough one, you fought your best. With God there will be no more pain. 

Love to everyone out there, suffering and to those lives you touched, for you sure touched mine. 

Something BIG is coming…

Eeek. 

 

It is called a mortgage meeting… 

 

I am so scared. It’s time we reworked and sorted out our future. For all four of us. Those that live here, my mum, me, hubby and my mum’s hubby… we have to make sure we can stay and we’re not put at risk. 

 

😦 I am scared, I am nervous. ED is beating me over the head. I am drinking more than I should. 😦 so not good… 

 

I am human, with faults and all. 

 

Love ya… 

 

D

Rough day… :(

It has been a difficult day, I won’t tell any lies. This may be triggering or upsetting for some, so please don’t read if you’re feeling vulnerable (like me)

I’ll post the good stuff first. The writing stuff.

Best Friends has had over 31,000 video views 🙂 that is awesome stuff.

On my novel TSK I got my feedback from my good friend and co writer Steven. So, now I am in the process of working though what he said, and working on what I need to do for the sake of the novel. 🙂

I’m excited about this, and I am excited to be working closer with my nice animator friend too.

I will work over all my processes at the weekend. 🙂

I am happy with this side of my life at the moment, its just the rest…

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So the real stuff. The in my head stuff.

Being recovered is good, but being totally recovered. Nope, it is sometimes a constant battle with your head. Especially at this time of year.

I am talking in the general ‘food and January sense’…

Most ‘normal people’ Who can eat everything and anything they want too and don’t worry about it, won’t quite understand me here, but Christmas and January are especially tough times for those of us who have had and do suffer with eating disorders.

I say this because of all the ‘start your diet now’ adds,

Also for me in my job, it’s every single customer who comes to buy their lunch from my van. ‘What have you got that’s healthy?’ ‘I’m on a diet, where’s the fruit?’ 😦 sucks…

The TV, the radio, everything is bad at this time of year. No wonder I hate it so much.

Yikes.

I think its affected me more this last week because hubby was weighed at his last check up and he’s put on 7lb, I was dreading seeing the nurse today for mine.

In one sense I really tried to eat ‘right’ before Xmas, and I had dropped a bit and was feeling okay. But over the hols, with all those Xmas dinners, I put on 1lb.

A 1lb isn’t a lot of weight I know this, I understand it totally. It’s a pint of water. A trip to the loo, anything… I shouldn’t be upset. Yet, here I am. uggggghhhhhhh

Since I was discharged from Cheadle hospital, I have yo yo’d a lot. I’ve been heavier than this, but it isn’t the heaviest I’ve been in my life either.

Both our problem’s aren’t so much the ‘junk food’ we eat, I don’t normally eat it period. (cept xmas) paul does like some chocolate and stuff. But I am pretty careful for the most part in what I will let past my lips.

It is lack of exercise that does us. We don’t do any.

(Well apart from this week, after Paul got his ticking off.) We have walked to the village and back three times this week. It’s a 15 min walk each way.

My nurse also told me my blood pressure is up again, and she wants to see me in 4 weeks anyway, so I’ve asked her to monitor my weight, and hopefully with a little more incentive and some backing. I won’t panic thinking that the ED will come back, I will be okay in trying to do the right thing for my body.

It’s flipping scary. Because, no matter how ‘big’ I am or how ‘small’ the visual in my head just isn’t right. I don’t ever want to go back to being anorexic, because it took so much to fight it and be better. I want to be able to lose the weight, healthy and not take a turn for the worse.

But, I can’t carry on putting weight on for health reasons. In two years, I’ve gained 5kg. Not a great deal, but enough…

I’m drawing a line here. I have too. I have to do something right for me, and not because of the time of year.

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Anyway, enough moaning, will speak soon.

Dawn x x