Breaking point and how to fix it.

Thankfully it really is friday, and this was my week.

It’s been a long one that’s for sure, although I can’t really point my finger as to the why. I guess it’s just my mindset.

I had two appointments this week at the doctors, the first with the nurse for my regular depo injection (contraceptive) where she weighed me and did my BP, I know my weight has crept up a bit since I hurt my back, and I’m sad about that from losing it all last year. My main concern is my BP and the fact it’s high for me. My elliptical came though and I’ve been getting back to exercise, so that is one positive.

Yes, I know, but even with watching the food, no alcohol and plenty of water, my BP is still high 140 over 93, where it used to be 120 over 70. It’s not dangerous, but I can feel the difference. I feel out of sorts.

My second appointment was with my doctor, to discuss some of the things bothering me. The accident and the pins and needles in my arm are from my neck she advised me to keep it warm for now, and gave me some more pain relief, just in case. The second thing we really talked about, was how I was feeling. The not sleeping for the last few months, November to now, is getting me down so much. I’m stressed with everything that has been going on at home, then I’m not sleeping, I’m more tired, I can’t be bothered, I’m wanting to starve myself so that I have some control and feeling, and yes, I’ve also had some very, very dark thoughts about other issues, like SI too. It’s not been good.

So, it was nice to talk to someone who actually did understand and listened to me, even if it was brief. I’ve been given an Anti depressant which also helps with sleep. As it makes you drowsy. I have to take this at night. I was a little concerned about taking it last night with driving today. Can’t drive if I’m falling asleep can I? but I’ve been okay. Side effects are I’ve wanted to eat. I’ve been so hungry today that I ate this morning and then again at dinner. So I am defo going to have to watch that. As I don’t want to get heavier either.

I have to give them a good try. I have to be able to get out of the rut that I’m in, or I’m going to end up back at the hospital. For one reason or another. And I don’t want that. So this is how I’ve managed it, I’ve known I’ve been getting to this point for a while, and it’s like I go the docs and I avoid it. But I didn’t this week. I allowed myself to feel. And for someone who doesn’t like to feel, this is a scary thing. Like crying is a scary thing, if you let yourself cry, you feel weak. And I’m not weak, I’m stronger than that, but I’ve also cried a few times this week to.

So yeah, breaking point. I don’t want to break – I want to be okay.

I will be okay. 🙂

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16/2/14 – Flying past.

I can’t stress how much the weeks are flying past now that I am back in work. So this one might be a long one…. sorry. And also a double poster.

Week starting with the 10th

I kind of got off to a bad start with this one. For those who don’t want to read about womanly ‘things’ then look away, this one isn’t for you.

I’ve been married for 16 years this April. And due to my Eating Disorder in the very beginning my periods were all waco. So I went onto something that, at the time would sort them and me out. The Deprovera injection. At first this was really not a great thing. Supposed to sort it out, it vastly made things worse. And I bled for the first 3 mths almost non stop. As a weak person from the Ed, it did make me worse. However, it did settle.

Dec 2012 and the nurse told me how much my weight was affecting blood pressure and she was thinking that coming off the injection was a good idea, to help with the weight side of things. I came off it, it has taken me almost 15 months to regain that monthly womanly thing. (I so don’t need it in my job) but it started off on the Monday and lasted till Friday.

I guess you can call me a monster, as I had weird mood shifts, terrible pains, and the yukky side of it was just something I can’t be doing with, my decision is to go back on the injection. For my health and sanity.

—-

This affected my weigh in also. There was no weight loss. Water gain, was big, muscle a point and so was bone density. This then deflated me into paranoid and Ed behavioural thinking. If it wasn’t for the people around me being as supportive as they were, then I am afraid I might have started to do stupid things. My brain was screaming at me that I’ve been eating too much and at the weekend I drank myself silly just to drown out the voices for a while.

This really didn’t help me, kinda makes things worse.

Dawn

Something BIG is coming…

Eeek. 

 

It is called a mortgage meeting… 

 

I am so scared. It’s time we reworked and sorted out our future. For all four of us. Those that live here, my mum, me, hubby and my mum’s hubby… we have to make sure we can stay and we’re not put at risk. 

 

😦 I am scared, I am nervous. ED is beating me over the head. I am drinking more than I should. 😦 so not good… 

 

I am human, with faults and all. 

 

Love ya… 

 

D