So busy, so busy…

That time when the voice from within is trying to break through.

That time when I say, no, and really mean I will always say, no.

—— poem 2016, – Dawn.

What happens –

 

What happens to you, when you’re so busy you don’t allow yourself to feel?

What happens to you, when your life takes  a turn for the worse?

 

Do you stop, and allow yourself the time to heal?

Do you allow yourself the time to turn it around?

 

Not always do we have the strength to go on.

Not always do we have the heart to believe we’re worth more.

 

Yet, somewhere there is hope.

Somewhere there is a belief.

 

Belief that we are what matters.

Belief that we are so much more than just thinking or feeling.

 

We are strong, we are better.

We are more than ED.

 

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So quiet….

This post may contain some triggers, please be careful.

Hey guys,

I wanted to jump in and try and tell you everything that’s been going on, but putting words to paper has been pretty hard for me the last few weeks. In fact too hard.

It’s been the year from hell, I know many of you already know about some things that have been going on. We lost my uncle, then my hubbies best friend and then my aunt. My mum’s been in and out of hospital having two operations, the first wasn’t diagnosed as skin cancer, but the second one has just been confirmed. There has been one other life changing event, which I can’t talk about for legal reasons, but it involves my husbands other close friend, and is very heartbreaking for both parties. And it’s affected us all a lot in the last four weeks, hence why I’ve been so quiet.

My focus as usual has been for TSK. I’ve been working with a crit team in the UG on scrib who have been super awesome. And I’ve just knuckled down and gotten on with things. Critting and writing.

Book 1’s cover is almost done! I’m even more excited to share this with you guys, a few weeks. Then fingers crossed for publication!

TSK’s book 2 is back in for beta in August. I’ve worked my butt off on this one. And the shorts are just doing fab. We’re almost half way through with editing and finalising them ready for our website! I can’t wait.

Writing is re-writing and I’m learning to love the whole process, honest.

————— trigger

With all this that’s been going on this year, I have to admit I kinda let myself not worry over what I was putting in my mouth. And it was getting harder and harder to get in my largest pair of work pants. I was at the bottom, totally about to self destruct. In fact if I am honest, more than half way there…. which was just making me feel worse and worse. The anti depressants helped for the first few months, but with everything that hit us it just wasn’t doing anything at all.

I don’t know what made me decide to do something about it, it was one of those things which just happened but I went into my customers a chemist one day and decided to try the plan they support there, called Lipotrim.

I’ve never done anything like this before. But, it’s something that I just had to do. I’ve everything to gain, and more than enough to lose.

I wanted to talk just a moment about how this is not my ED head working. This is my perfectly sane brain, taking control of what I was doing and turning this horrible downward spiral into something positive.

My chemist is aware of how and what I went through, my doctor and my nurse all know I’m doing this, and although it’s been met with some stern looks and concerns from my husband, my mum also backed my decision.

I am taking things easy with it, not exercising at the same time. It will be for appprox 4mths, which I’m in week 4 already. I’m not talking about the weight loss, because that isn’t why I’m really doing it. I’m doing it for my sanity and at the moment I can honestly say I feel 100% better. I’m sleeping properly which for the first time in 8 mths is a massive thing for me. I’ve more energy and my body is so much happier. My feet love me, instead of complaining all day long.

This won’t be something that I’ll post about a lot, because I know how it makes some people feel. And me too, but this is a journey that I have to go through. One I will come out the other end of, hopefully having gotten through the worst year of our lives to date.

It tells me a lot when my husband admitted to friends that he thought my eating disorder was the worst thing ever, but this years beat that hands down. I know it has, this is a life changing year, in more ways than one. For us two together, and for my family on the whole.

I love having this blog, it’s been the best thing ever for me when I’ve had exciting things to share, and the saddest of things.

Sending this out into the ether, breathe out the negative, and breathe in the positive! At least now I am fighting in the right direction. Not allowing myself to get any lower. It’s a long way off, but we will get through this year!

Love to ya all.

Dawn x x

Personal Update

So yeah, just what it is.

Things over here not so good. We had pretty much a January from hell. With news about a close friend, and then my mum being diagnosed with Skin Cancer and having her op. Paul and I have both been ill and off work, hit with a nasty flu bug which knocked us both off our feet. Paul’s still not well with a bad chest infection that won’t clear and now Pleurisy.

We also lost my Uncle Bert last week, and his funeral was today. I couldn’t get the time off work, and it’s not like we were too close either but I might have liked to be there for mum. It’s been so tough this last few I just don’t know where I am fitting it all in.

I do know, I’m stuck, no sleep, no time to think or feel properly. I’m at that cusp of a breakdown, and its not getting easier.

That control I want and need from ED is creeping back. My health issues caused me so many problems I cut out all the rubbish and then that means all the good stuff too. Do I don’t I? I’m numb beyond words, and I want to get through this.

Sigh, also I had two lots of feedback from the beta group. Two totally opposites… and one that was just iffy to say the least.

I need to get away for like a year and do something exciting.

Any takers, fancy letting us sleep on the floor ?

RIP Hunnie….

Jay Taylor, a beautiful friend. Taken far too early.

 

For those who know me a little bit, and for those who don’t know me… 

I suffered with Anorexia and Bulimia for 16 years. I’ve been in recovery for 4, and a very hard fight to get to where I am. 

Today I lost a wonderful friend to the terrible illness, a friend who picked me up, laughed with me and cared for me, when she was suffering as much as I was. (i know that some people know nothing about these illnesses

This is my blog, but this is a place where people pop in from all over the world. They come and I hope they learn something too. Maybe you’ve known someone, or do know someone, or may in the future. 

RIP hunnie, your fight was a tough one, you fought your best. With God there will be no more pain. 

Love to everyone out there, suffering and to those lives you touched, for you sure touched mine. 

Something BIG is coming…

Eeek. 

 

It is called a mortgage meeting… 

 

I am so scared. It’s time we reworked and sorted out our future. For all four of us. Those that live here, my mum, me, hubby and my mum’s hubby… we have to make sure we can stay and we’re not put at risk. 

 

😦 I am scared, I am nervous. ED is beating me over the head. I am drinking more than I should. 😦 so not good… 

 

I am human, with faults and all. 

 

Love ya… 

 

D