Stress

Lots of people don’t like talking about stress, or mental health.

I’d say even more so this last year. But things can take a turn at anytime in your life.

I tried, I was doing okay, but this month of April, I had my vaccine shot (first one) and it kicked my ass. I then got a cold which wiped my smell and taste away again.

It’s pretty easy to see where I started to introduce food again, and though it’s been a little up and down in the week it’s been going up and up, till it hit critical with extra stress as above this month.

I have limits set. And set for a reason, so that I have to address it. Before the turn last year it was extra weight and stress. Now I’ve no extra weight to lose. I’m under what I was in 2019. But not quite as low as hospital weights.

I’ve done what I can this week, cut the coffee, drank more water, and it’s coming down, I had 3 days of rest from food. Its really hard for anyone to understand the feelings around this.

I’ve tried my doctors, eating disorder groups and talking but no one gets it.

Food is the devil. There no pleasure only pain. I can just about taste sweet stuff. Spicy, nope. Got the hottest Siracha sauce today going. Was like tasting mayonnaise and Paul couldn’t stand it… Haha

But it sucks.

I get to go to the docs Friday. 3mth checkup. Its been 9 mths since I had bloods done. I feel okay, but I’ve lost half my hair and have bald spots… 😭

I was getting new hair growth, but if I curb the food again 😭

I want to see a way out of this, but the emotions around it are some of the worst.

Went shopping today, the washing aisle was like walking into a human waste facility. Gag…. Ugh grin and bare it.

I had to buy some new clothes, have only wore slippers for 12 mths like most people. My other shoes had it. The rest all packed away.

Wonderful isn’t it… We also have moss growing in my bedroom…

The ombudsmen have at least emailed me back. The company coming out come the 11th May for more tests…

This month ahead is gonna be busy. But I have the most amazing people around me. For that I am very very grateful. They know who they are.

I don’t talk much, I don’t post much. I hide in my work and my worlds.

If you hide in other people’s worlds and enjoy it, review those authors. Tell them you love their work and why.

If you don’t love it, and want to hit that 1 or 2 star button, hold off, that person might just be at the end of their tether. A little kindness or just not posting goes a long long way.

Love ya all 💕

Hair loss

It kinda goes without saying that I have a lot, lot of hair.

But when it starts to drop out in clumps, you know your body’s stopped supplying it with the means to grow, it happened at this point in 2007 and again in 2015, but it still doesn’t mean its a shock. The body knows how to look after and preserve itself, and rapid weight loss, 48lb is a lot in 14 weeks. 😭

I guess its almost a good thing I do have a ton of it, but already its feeling the strain. But three days of brushing out tons, hurts, it gets so knotted it stays where it wants in the morning and brushing it out ughh nightmare.

Where do I see myself going right now, sadly not to a good place. The years off to a rough start, covid has taken far too many people I care about already and I don’t see this letting up.

I’m trying and failing, and trying again. Food sucks, some is okay, but the rest I just can’t stand.

Hugs for all, even distanced ones count. X x

💕

Xmas day

The build up was worse the smells the idea of food.

I cooked it was all in here, I didn’t cook everything we’d usually have. And nothing had any flavours or additional things in. It was all seperate, took longer and wasn’t the Xmas dinner we’d usually have.

But, I ate. I tried the meat, beef and chicken. Nope. So I stuck to my version of veggies.

Wine was awful but not as bad as rum.

The pic of Bobby is because we have no decorations at all. Looks a sad lonley house. Lol

First real ‘no’

Bit of an odd one. I cant quite put it in words to the what was wrong with it.

Too much garlic, onions, tomato?

Everything was just, nope. From the smell to the taste.

I did eat my small portion, only as there was nothing else, but even my husband said no. The spaghetti bowl left was his side. Lol

Just not good all around. Would not re order.

Mum’s home!

It’s been a massive few days of stuff.

Mum is home. Which is awesome. But man the stuff I’ve done around that stress just to keep going.

House people came out. I kept trying to eat. Its been a trying time.

I’m trying each meal for me is in 2. And there’s still not huge amounts of taste. But I’m trying I swear.

Tonight’s was about the best. I’ve got some for tomorrow. And the pakoras were something I knew was good but still couldn’t taste 😢

One day at a time. The stomach hurts. So slow for me. But I’m pushing on.