20/10/07

 

I know we all fear something, it can be anything cant it, the fear of spiders is a huge thing…

Well lets pretend you are petrified of spiders, and I am going to make you confront your fear five times a day, and let you sit there with loads of people watching you for 15 mins, while the spider crawls all over every part of your body. Its little legs finding every place it can get to.

Feeling scared…

Well that is how my day started yesterday, not only had I to get up and let Paul drive me to Manchester, but we then got lost, and it ended up me being a minute late, of which I hate, and very very upset……

Then after finding the right place, I met a nurse who had me strip off and weigh me straight away, she asked a few questions and then I had to go and eat a snack with the other girls there for day care.

I wasn’t amused at all.

I was hot, sweaty, and terrified.

I was asked what I would like for dinner; we had a choice, chicken tika wrap, or a humus bagel. I choose the bagel, but had never really had one before, so didn’t know what to expect.

We sat in a room for a while, getting to know each other a bit, the other girls there are all really nice, and one only started last week, so she looked as scared as I was feeling, me when I am nervous I never shut up and hate a quiet room, so I gasbagged away about anything, Just to take my mind of what was coming next, it didn’t work for very long.

On going in for lunch, I was faced with my worst nightmare, a room full of people, and food.

I wanted to run away, of which I knew I couldn’t. I was there to get better, and one of the things I need is food, so I started to slowly eat my bagel.

Half way through I freaked out big time, and started to cry, of which then I was taken out of the room, to be talked to by one of the nurses, who was really nice, She talked me down and encouraged me to o back in and eat the rest of my bagel, which I did.

Then I got to see the dietician, who helped me work out a meal plan, for at home and at work. We talked a bit about going to work tomorrow, and she basically said, if I went to work would I follow her plan, without any help from my support network. I answered her honestly, I said no, if I go into work tomorrow it’ll be just like normal, and I won’t eat all day.

We talked for a bit, about my relationship with Paul and ways in which he could help me start to eat better, by sitting with me at each time I need to eat, and just by being there. So my plan for today was to get up and eat breakfast with Paul.

We did a lot of talking in such a short time, and she explained a lot more about the human body and how it does or doesn’t work when we aren’t eating enough.

My weight loss will slow down and my body will begin to eat itself and become very unwell. As to which I found out last week it was, my blood pressure is really low, and fluctuates a lot to depending on what I am doing. That’s when I begin to feel faint, and pass out.

Great stuff.

She asked me why I had panicked so much at lunch, when really it was just everything that set me off, eating with people I don’t know, and of course the food, it looked nice, and was ok to eat, but it was far too much, and I just really wanted to throw it out the window.

Some of the other girls left at 3 and one went for some Pilates exercise so it was left with me the other newest girl.

We talked for a bit, but it was hard to find the words to talk about. I am not the oldest there, but I am the healthiest in my BMI rate, and in some ways I feel such a fraud, and that I shouldn’t be there.

Time went really slowly, and then we had to have another snack. I do so not want to keep on eating, but I managed to.

It went a bit quicker after snack time; I talked to one of the nurses about getting the train, and what sorts of things are expected of me every week.

I will get to see a therapist and Dr Sharma again, and every Monday we are weighed and checked out, we get to see the dietician and go through how we have done all week, and we get to change our meal plans. On Thursday, there are two group sessions, one in the morning and afternoon, and they are on different things, body image etc.

I liked the dietician, although my meal plan is sooooooo massive, I have no way of attaining it…

But I am going to try; I can’t take time off work to not give it 100%. So I am doing.

On a Wednesday they all get to go out to the local pub for dinner, of which they want me to with them once, to see that social situations are ok, and I shouldn’t fear them, and then maybe I can think about tacking my habits and work situation out.

I am not sure how I will go on with these things, talking about how some of the people in work act around food, and comment on certain things got me really upset as no one should be able to reduce another to nothing, but sometimes people just don’t think before they open their mouths do they, and I have to learn to deal with good and bad comments better.

Today I got up with Paul and managed some cereal, my snack and some lunch, and now I am facing the choice of an afternoon snack, and then dinner.

I don’t think I can do it all, not just yet.

I feel so bloated and fat already, how I am supposed to get used to this, its driving me absolutely crazy already. I HATE IT……..

I am tired from not sleeping and I am so fed up… five weeks like this, maybe even more weeks, I just don’t know what to do… I really don’t.

So the feeling of that spider hasn’t left me, and I don’t think, it will. But I am facing it. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, and am ever likely to do, but life is too short, and I have to get better, for my own sake as well as everyone else’s…

This has been a bit long, oops, lol, oh well never mind…

Dawn xxx

Advertisements

28/10/07

 

So today I spend with some friends and then went to see my dad, who just got back from Brugg and bought me chocolates, lol,

Am really really scared about tomorrow, but I guess we shall see,

Love to you all out there, and stay safe.

Dawn xx

27/10/07

 

For Stewart, Alex, Neo, Martin, Clare, Chris, and those who support me every time I come on, this short poem is for you…

From Dawn to you all……

When life is full of hard times, and its not often they are good.

Think of all the things we’ve been through together, as you know we should.

Through thick and thin, life passes by, without any time to stop and cry,

It can be short it can be sweet, but I am so glad that we did meet.

A true friend is hard to find, and mostly we are blinded,

by the things we think are important, as we do not often know.

An honest friend is here to stay, and will never let us go.

Dawn Chapman, written today at11:37 am.

24/10/07

 

Thinking aloud

My life from the outside looking in.
is nothing it seems, for I can’t win.

This battle continues every day,
and I really can’t seem to find my way.

Its turmoil inside me, from the moment I wake,
I can’t understand this, and I am going to break.

My heart is torn from something I need,
this open wound which always bleeds.

No matter what I think about, and all day I sometimes do.
There is nothing else inside me, all I feel is blue.

The emptiness inside hurts me so much,
I shy away from everyone’s touch.

Whether it is calming words or a thoughtful hug,
it only makes me hurt more, as I don’t deserve any love.

The attention you may give me passes by and I can’t know,
the way you will affect me, I just can’t let go.

Ed you rule my every move, and I always seem to lose,
this inside battle which I did not choose.

Dawn Chapman. Written today 19:43.

24/10/07

 

So considering I am on holiday, I don’t seem to have stopped.

On Monday I cleaned the inside of the van from top to bottom, and tired myself out, yesterday Paul and I scrubbed the outside, which had a nice green algae growing on it, now that really was hard work. And then today I have been to my Nan’s and been trimming her lawn, while Paul has been mowing it.

I am not one to moan but my nan’s garden is huge, and there is so much to do in it, I really respect my mum for trying to keep on top of it, she must be so tired after all that.

Anyways I felt light headed yesterday and today, had to take a break and sit down through doing my jobs, guess they are a bit harder than my job, as don’t feel that bad at work.

Today I had to come home and lie down, I felt really bad. I still do, feel like my heart isn’t happy. I have had a piece of fish from the chip shop today, even though I ate it in two parts, but up to now haven’t had anything else, so I am going to try as I know I need the energy, as we really did work hard today.

Tomorrow I am not doing anything apart from resting. I need to. I can’t be so busy all of my holiday or when I go back to work after being to the hospital I defiantly won’t be able to handle it.

TO be honest I don’t know how I am at the moment, but in some ways I can’t afford to not work.

Do you think I should just take the time off, or should I try and make an effort? I know my health comes first, but I suppose I can only see what happens, I only have so much energy, and at the moment, it’s running real low…….

I hope everyone is well tonight, and having a good evening.

Talk back, miss you all. Dawn xx