23/10/07

 

 

Future

Its time I got this off my chest,
and put this demon to rest,

its time I let myself be free,
and was unburdened from this pest.

The darkness is trying to swallow me
and it may be winning.

I can’t keep from everyone that I am sinning.

It hides inside me and talks to me all day,
this voice of pure hatred, this inner hell.

I try and answer back to it, and fight with all my strength,
but its losing all its power and I need some extra help.

So off I go to hospital, to see what I can find,
I hope it is a different me, which will emerge from deep inside.

Dawn Chapman, written today at18:40

19/10/07

 

Friday the 13th, sure felt like it,

to end the absolute craziest week of my life, was one of the worst days of my life.

To start with, on Thursday one of the girls at work pre warned me that they were going for a sandwich from the delicatessen up by where we work. When they go, it’s at ten o’clock. So I forgot to ask Paul for some money, and then my friend Kate said she would help me get one, so I asked for bacon sausage and cheese, its my favourite, and I knew it would be hard to eat it, but if it took me all day I made the decision that I would.

Then one of the other girls made a comment, that I was a greedy bitch for having it, come on people, do you not think before you open your stupid mouths, I have an eating disorder for gods sake, I feel guilty enough for eating anything without comments like this.

So I was not in a good mood, at ten and didn’t attempt to eat it until 12, of which I managed two mouthfuls, and then put it away.

Paul rang me at 12, and told me of his bad day, first the cash machine swallowed our only bank card, so then they cancelled it, and we have no way of getting any cash out of the bank, then as he was picking some of the kids up a woman in a car pulled out and hit the side of the bus. So he had loads of paperwork to fill in, and it didn’t look like we were going to be going away after all.

So ok, I left work feeling a little daunted, but looking forward to going out with my friends, as Monika is leaving for home, and not coming back for a while, so we were going out for a good night,

When Paul finally got home, late as the traffic was bad, he then informed me that he’d had another incident towards penwortham with someone else, this time, he let two of the college students off his bus, and as traffic wasn’t moving, he watched one of the lads walk up the road about fifty yards and then cross the road, straight in front of the pathway of a cyclist, who then went flying.

The cyclist an elderly man then tries to accuse Paul of letting the kids off the bus straight into his pathway.

I know most people are pretty daft, but come on, how is he responsible for someone crossing a road without looking…..

Please, I had really had enough by then, my stomach was hurting from having eaten some more of my sandwich and I just wanted this day to be over but oh no believe me it wasn’t.

So we went out, to a place in town called Lloyds bar, I bought a bottle of wine, which is normal for me, and my friend Kate had the same, over 2 hours, one bottle isn’t so bad, but she didn’t tell me she had had nothing to eat and she started being really sick, so Monika and I walked her home.

Just up the road from her house, she threw up over a wall, and some young lad started coming over, a bottle in hand, ‘ is she all right’ ‘is she pissed’

So I politely asked him to leave us alone, we were taking him home, but he didn’t leave, he carried on taking the piss out of her, saying she was throwing up clots of blood and that the police would be round in a minute and arrest her for drunk and disorderly, so by this time, I was beginning to get really annoyed, this little kid, was just being a prat, so I told him to leave us be again,

‘ what you going to do about it?’
I then walked towards him and shouted for f***s sake get lost’

oh dear I had upset him then hadn’t I, and he started shouting for his friends who were round the corner, this little man, had 5 girlfriends to back him up, then they started on all of, us,

I wasn’t scared, the girl, ring leader, threatened to kick my head in, so I just replied, ‘go on then get it over with, I’ve had a bad day, you might as well finish it off.’

Kate and Monika were quite scared I think, but these girls didn’t want a fight, eventually by acting completely stupid and apologising to this lad, they went away and we got Kate home safely,

I really had just had enough, but this bad day just didn’t end did it, nope.

Paul picked me up from the bus stop and then decided it was time for a heart to heart with me, till 2 in the morning. I am upset because I know realise how hurt he is by all of this that is going on, and I feel even guiltier.

What a day, what a night, I didn’t sleep much, I feel so bad today as well, as nothing seems to be going right.

We haven’t gone away to Devon, as we can’t get any money; I am upset and hurting, and just so tired.

Anyways, that was a bad week over, and now I can relax, I am cleaning up for a bit today, a winter spring clean. Then I am moving on with my script, I got to get it working, they are so nice people in America and they understand I am struggling now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, and I hope to speak to you all soon….

Love Dawn xxxx

 

17/10/07

 

So haven’t been around for a while, been taking a bit of a break, things have gotten on top of me big time.

Work is boring but am managing for now, felt ill today, light-headed, but I know its just as I aint eating enough, I don’t think I can carry on for much longer like this..

I am off on holiday next week, taking some time to be with Paul, and recharge my worn out batteries, only going to paington in Devon, but it will be a break from everything,

then I start with the specialist unit on the 29th, at 10am. Am really scared, but Paul is taking me, so I will just have to get on with it.

I have had so many offers of people to come with me, but I think I just have to do this on my own, it one of those things, maybe they just don’t think I will get the train and end up in the right place, or maybe they think I will walk round Manchester all day instead.

That’s not going to help me is it…?

No I will be going to the hospital, whether I like it or not…..

I need to get this sorted as if I don’t then I am going to end up being forced to, and put under medical supervision, and I don’t want that either.

I sound like a real nuttier don’t I, but I am not really, I just don’t want to eat anything, I can’t stand the thought of food, let alone the taste, everything is the same, and I really don’t want it.

I won’t survive without it though, god why couldn’t I just be an alcoholic or something, this is doing me head in….

Stewart, chris, Alex and Martin, I hope you are all well, have been thinking about you a lot even though I aint had much time to come see you. I hope you are all ok. And I hope to catch you soon…

Please take care all, love Dawn x

06/10/07

 

I’ve been ill for a couple of days, had to come home from work on Thursday, and I went to the doctors to, after waiting an hour to get to see one, my doc had an emergency and had to wait with a older man for an ambulance, I saw Dr Hudson. He is a lovely man, caring and always seems to ask the right questions. We decided to double my dosage on my meds, and even though he wanted me to go see someone at the hospital, I didn’t because id been there most of the morning, and couldn’t hang around anymore, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I am very down at the moment, everything has got on top of me, after ringing Manchester hosp for the third time, a lovely woman rang us back and gave us the good news.

I have funding for 10 days at day care, which means I will have to travel to Manchester at least twice a week for 5 weeks, then they will reassess me, and I could get funding for more time.

It means nearly 3 hours a day on a train, and time off work, but even though I really want to get better, this voice in my head really is bent on self destruct.

I don’t want to go, but I do want to go. I want to be free of this forever, and they are the right people to help me, and I have to do my utmost best for them, and be honest even if it really hurts me, and I know it will do as I am hurting right now, and all I did was talk to my friend Sian openly on Monday night. It’s a crazy illness and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

But I will beat it.

Positive things going on at the moment, I wanted to leave on a brighter note. mums coming up today ( I call it baby sitting ) and am going shopping, I want to try and do something that’s normal, that will make me feel something, other than this cloud, so I am going to try.

Im unsure as to what the rest of the day will bring, Im still tired, I have a headache, but am trying to think about good things.

Am not sure if I can face work on Monday, but know if I don’t go, I will probably not be able to go on holiday, and I need that more than I need anything else. So I will go in.

I hope everyone else, is doing ok this morning, Im online most of the day so will be able to talk in-between doing things.

Love to all my friends and thanks for hanging in there with me, it’s a rough patch, but I know it will get better…

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

02/10/07

 

Big rant coming, you really don’t have to read. This is just everything in my head. and its better out here than inside me xx

So Sat night didn’t quite go as planned, in fact it wasn’t worth it at all.

So my nan isn’t well, and when my mum came she was in such a state, I gave her the biggest vodka I could without it being too obvious,

She is so worried over my nan and she had a huge argument with her brother, I just don’t know what to say, I don’t know what is going to happen in the next few months, but I know it isn’t going to be nice, for anyone, and least of all for Gerry, why does he have to be such an arse. I am so annoyed at him but couldn’t say anything, I am just the grand daughter, who sees everything and has to keep quiet.

He told my mum that my Nan shouldn’t have had the operation five years ago, when in the first place it was him who persuaded her…. FFS I want to scream he is an ignorant money grabbing B*****d and he doesn’t belong in our family.

My mum is so upset with everything it kind of spoilt sat night, but amazing enough for the first time, that actually stayed at our house, had a drink and watched a film (even though she fell asleep bless) I was shocked, but very happy they stopped the night. Something I don’t know why they just haven’t done before.

Sunday I went to visit my nan and yes she is very depressed and in a lot of pain, and she wants to die, there is no way else to say it, and I feel so sorry for her, I wish it was over, and she was free, but she isn’t, and we have to deal with it as best we can but the thing is I aint dealing with anything at the moment, and as Sian my friend found out last night, everything is going downhill rapidly.

I was upset about the whole weekend, couldn’t eat hardly anything yesterday and then had a load of wine, I spilled my guts to her something I never normally do, and something she hasn’t seen before, and I felt so bad, I felt so guilty for doing it.

I don’t know what I want at the moment, I am happy with my weight going down all the time, and I am happy not eating, but I am not happy with it….

This constant battle in my head to do anything that involves people and work and feeling is just doing me in, I want to get away from everything and I can’t. I want to hide, and I can’t.

I have to face it.

The hospital hasn’t rang me yet, but they were all deciding my future without even me being there, why they can do that. Why do they have that power, even I can’t decide what I want, why should they be able to?

I have everyone shouting at me at the moment for the weight loss, I feel so weak and everything is just futile, I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t.

I want to feel happy and I want to be free, but I am so scared, I am scared that if I begin to eat again, that I will pile the weight on, and I know this will happen and I can’t let it.

This voice in my head is just being so stupid, and I want to let it all go and be normal, but I cant,

this is annoying me so so so so much, and I wish it didn’t.

It cannot go on like this, and I can’t let it.

I am going to end up in an early grave, and I don’t want that, I don’t want to starve myself into nothing, but I can’t see a way around it.

Everything is out of control… please let me be.

Dawn xx