I’ve been ill for a couple of days, had to come home from work on Thursday, and I went to the doctors to, after waiting an hour to get to see one, my doc had an emergency and had to wait with a older man for an ambulance, I saw Dr Hudson. He is a lovely man, caring and always seems to ask the right questions. We decided to double my dosage on my meds, and even though he wanted me to go see someone at the hospital, I didn’t because id been there most of the morning, and couldn’t hang around anymore, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

I am very down at the moment, everything has got on top of me, after ringing Manchester hosp for the third time, a lovely woman rang us back and gave us the good news.

I have funding for 10 days at day care, which means I will have to travel to Manchester at least twice a week for 5 weeks, then they will reassess me, and I could get funding for more time.

It means nearly 3 hours a day on a train, and time off work, but even though I really want to get better, this voice in my head really is bent on self destruct.

I don’t want to go, but I do want to go. I want to be free of this forever, and they are the right people to help me, and I have to do my utmost best for them, and be honest even if it really hurts me, and I know it will do as I am hurting right now, and all I did was talk to my friend Sian openly on Monday night. It’s a crazy illness and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

But I will beat it.

Positive things going on at the moment, I wanted to leave on a brighter note. mums coming up today ( I call it baby sitting ) and am going shopping, I want to try and do something that’s normal, that will make me feel something, other than this cloud, so I am going to try.

Im unsure as to what the rest of the day will bring, Im still tired, I have a headache, but am trying to think about good things.

Am not sure if I can face work on Monday, but know if I don’t go, I will probably not be able to go on holiday, and I need that more than I need anything else. So I will go in.

I hope everyone else, is doing ok this morning, Im online most of the day so will be able to talk in-between doing things.

Love to all my friends and thanks for hanging in there with me, it’s a rough patch, but I know it will get better…

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx