Thinking aloud

My life from the outside looking in.
is nothing it seems, for I can’t win.

This battle continues every day,
and I really can’t seem to find my way.

Its turmoil inside me, from the moment I wake,
I can’t understand this, and I am going to break.

My heart is torn from something I need,
this open wound which always bleeds.

No matter what I think about, and all day I sometimes do.
There is nothing else inside me, all I feel is blue.

The emptiness inside hurts me so much,
I shy away from everyone’s touch.

Whether it is calming words or a thoughtful hug,
it only makes me hurt more, as I don’t deserve any love.

The attention you may give me passes by and I can’t know,
the way you will affect me, I just can’t let go.

Ed you rule my every move, and I always seem to lose,
this inside battle which I did not choose.

Dawn Chapman. Written today 19:43.



So considering I am on holiday, I don’t seem to have stopped.

On Monday I cleaned the inside of the van from top to bottom, and tired myself out, yesterday Paul and I scrubbed the outside, which had a nice green algae growing on it, now that really was hard work. And then today I have been to my Nan’s and been trimming her lawn, while Paul has been mowing it.

I am not one to moan but my nan’s garden is huge, and there is so much to do in it, I really respect my mum for trying to keep on top of it, she must be so tired after all that.

Anyways I felt light headed yesterday and today, had to take a break and sit down through doing my jobs, guess they are a bit harder than my job, as don’t feel that bad at work.

Today I had to come home and lie down, I felt really bad. I still do, feel like my heart isn’t happy. I have had a piece of fish from the chip shop today, even though I ate it in two parts, but up to now haven’t had anything else, so I am going to try as I know I need the energy, as we really did work hard today.

Tomorrow I am not doing anything apart from resting. I need to. I can’t be so busy all of my holiday or when I go back to work after being to the hospital I defiantly won’t be able to handle it.

TO be honest I don’t know how I am at the moment, but in some ways I can’t afford to not work.

Do you think I should just take the time off, or should I try and make an effort? I know my health comes first, but I suppose I can only see what happens, I only have so much energy, and at the moment, it’s running real low…….

I hope everyone is well tonight, and having a good evening.

Talk back, miss you all. Dawn xx