27/03/05

 

Writing this, as I self harmed on friday really bad, and ended up in hospital,

I am taking time for me, no internet, and not much phone time, I need to get me right, for real, I love everyone here, and will wrtie soon when I get time but not by computer, If anyone wants to keep in touch with me, please email me at email not valid anymore…  and i will get in touch,

 

Please take care of you all, we all need to say in our own time, no more ed, no more of this hurt,

I am ready this is the big fight, the fight for my life, and i will take it back.

Please all of you think about what we are doing, and seek someone to talk to, to help you, I love you all and want to see you all someday, soon

Dawn

Xxxxxxx

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24/03/05

Thank you everyone.

 

I don’t know what to do to say and express how much I feel for you all, you are all so amazing,

 

I actually admitted yes I am not doing well and I am struggling, I was talking to one of my closest friends the other nightSianand I talked properly with her for quite a while, and it made me feel better, she is a wonderful friend and I think the world of her.

 

This is something, that I really want, I want to be better, I want to be free. I have to start to talking and being honest, and I have to do whats right for me.

 

If that means taking more time for me then I will have to, I love everyone here, and I will still be about, and posting, and on msn,

 

Have got some good news and I have a lot of stuff to be doing in the next four weeks, my short film is to be made and to be entered into a competition, at the end of April,

 

so busy busy bee i am.

 

I am hoping things will start looking better, it is getting there slowly.

 

Love and huge hugs,

Dawn

xxxxxxxx

19/03/05

18:43

 

Friends, dont read, I hate this but had to get it out,

 

Its so hard for me to be honest to talk about what I am feeling,

 

I try to hide everything and inside I feel like dying, like hiding forever, and not coming back, I love everyone here, and some have helped me in more ways that one, and I just dont know how I can keep going,

 

I feel I am getting bigger and BIGGER, and I cant get my head around it, I cant stand it and I am falling over the place.

 

I cant go on like this, I am going to spain in five weeks and I dont want to go like this, as I know with the weather and the place, I will put on more, This is hurting me so so much and I am LOST.

 

I want to not eat and I want to be sick when I do, I am so mad and angry inside at me, and I hate who I am, I dont see anything good about me, and I cant ever see me seeing it neither, things havent really improved at home, money is still so tight, and no matter what I do I cant get round it, at this rate we are going to be going away with nothing to spend, and I am crying over it, I think I would sooner not go, but I know I need a break from everything, to spend some time with Paul and to relax, I feel so on the edge all the time,

 

We went for a drink last night, and came home at ten, I had a few too many on an empty stomach and was drunk, this morning I felt awful but Paul also said some things that hurt me about my friends, and I was upset by that, went to sleep with out a good night kiss, and that hurt too.

 

As a person I am growing and he cant see that, my friends count for me growing in ways he couldnt even dream of. and I will never forget or leave my friends.

 

But something is going to have to give, and I think it may be the internet yet again, I dont like him threatning to cut it off, i would sooner do it myself, now, and then he cant keep going on about it,

 

I think this is really long and I would rather not post it, but I will.

 

I am struggling right now, I dont see the light anymore at the end of the tunnel and I cant see a way out, apart from turning to ed, and I dont want that, I want to be better, but I want to be AHHHHHHHHHHH,

 

I want to scream so much and cry and yell and tell everyone, HOW MUCH THIS IS KILLING ME.

 

I feel so so bad, so much hatred inside, I gotta go,

 

Love Dawn

xxxxxx

19/03/05

11:44

You may think you are wining by making me feel so bad,

By making me feel useless, and so down,

But you know I will fight back and wont ever give into you

You are making things very difficult for me at the moment, and I am getting scared, as I dont want you back in my life but you are comforting,

I dont want you around so tonight, is the last night, you hava hold on me again.

Tomorrow I will start a fresh and say good bye once more, you cant hang around forever, I DO NOT WANT YOU,

YOU WILL NOT WIN
YOU WILL NOT

Dawn

xxxx

15/03/05

 

I am so FED up of this crap, so fed up of the way ed makes me feel,

 

I have been ill all weekend started as a cold, and then went to a stomach cold, and grrr, ed is right in there now, making me feel worse, as I have hardly eaten and its doing me in,

 

I am so annoyed at me for listening to him and wanting him to help me, I want and dont want it, I know its so wrong and I hate me for feeling so bad,

 

Been crying most of the day and I am scared, scared to talk to people scared to let anyone in to how I am feeling right now,

 

WHICH is so so so so so bad, I want so much to hurt me in more ways than I could think of, yet, I dont want to hurt anyone else, and I cant do it,

 

 

I am giving in, I cant fight much longer, I am growing weaker and I cant stop him from winning,