19/03/05

18:43

 

Friends, dont read, I hate this but had to get it out,

 

Its so hard for me to be honest to talk about what I am feeling,

 

I try to hide everything and inside I feel like dying, like hiding forever, and not coming back, I love everyone here, and some have helped me in more ways that one, and I just dont know how I can keep going,

 

I feel I am getting bigger and BIGGER, and I cant get my head around it, I cant stand it and I am falling over the place.

 

I cant go on like this, I am going to spain in five weeks and I dont want to go like this, as I know with the weather and the place, I will put on more, This is hurting me so so much and I am LOST.

 

I want to not eat and I want to be sick when I do, I am so mad and angry inside at me, and I hate who I am, I dont see anything good about me, and I cant ever see me seeing it neither, things havent really improved at home, money is still so tight, and no matter what I do I cant get round it, at this rate we are going to be going away with nothing to spend, and I am crying over it, I think I would sooner not go, but I know I need a break from everything, to spend some time with Paul and to relax, I feel so on the edge all the time,

 

We went for a drink last night, and came home at ten, I had a few too many on an empty stomach and was drunk, this morning I felt awful but Paul also said some things that hurt me about my friends, and I was upset by that, went to sleep with out a good night kiss, and that hurt too.

 

As a person I am growing and he cant see that, my friends count for me growing in ways he couldnt even dream of. and I will never forget or leave my friends.

 

But something is going to have to give, and I think it may be the internet yet again, I dont like him threatning to cut it off, i would sooner do it myself, now, and then he cant keep going on about it,

 

I think this is really long and I would rather not post it, but I will.

 

I am struggling right now, I dont see the light anymore at the end of the tunnel and I cant see a way out, apart from turning to ed, and I dont want that, I want to be better, but I want to be AHHHHHHHHHHH,

 

I want to scream so much and cry and yell and tell everyone, HOW MUCH THIS IS KILLING ME.

 

I feel so so bad, so much hatred inside, I gotta go,

 

Love Dawn

xxxxxx

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