29/01/08

 

Been a while since i wrote a blog on the actual blog page and i must say feels kind of weird.

After the huge ordeal of monday at dc, i thought thurs was going to be just as bad but to be honest it wast anywhere near like that.

I had my appointment with shirley in the mornng, and we talked a bit about the ongoings of the week, then it got to the subject of Monday and how it all went wrong.

I began to realise that it wasnt just the amount of food that we had to eat it was the whole situation.

You see there was a lot more of us on Monday and that meant the table wasnt big enough so they made it into one long table… and that just took me back about 25 years to when I was in primary school..

“Come on fatty you can eat all that, then we can go out and play”
The quicker you eat the beter it is for all of us”

I was sat back on the table of eight wth the older children at Mere Brow primary school…
I was suddenly very frightened and as usual I had a good reason to e scared, and very scared.

You see when we were very very tiny we used to sit on one long dining table where a dinner lady would then bring out our food for us, but as we got older we went to sit on a table of eight where the two oldest children then had the responsibility of dishing out the food.

I was in a position, which I was abused in every day.
The older children didnt like certain foods, so Dawn got to et it all. But if anyone else didnt like to eat something Dawn got to eat it all even more of it.

I remember oe time, where I was made to eat 8 hotdog sausaes on buns, and I felt so sick afterwards.

Of course I couldnt tell anyone, my mum wasn’t around much, as she had been severely ill and in hospital for ages.

This behaviour continued for a very lng time, and as a small child because of all the extra food I began to get bigger. This made it even more difficult to have good friends as I was the point of their bickering.

It wasn’t utill one of the other kids had said something to me when my mm was near that she found out what was happening at school, and she was blazing. Why couldnt i have gone to her and told her in the first place, I didnt feel I could, as when ever i used to go to her, I was pushed away, or she wastnt there to isten to.

The school head teacher at the time was of course mortified that this behaviour was going on and the whole school dining room changed as if overnight. Then the other kids blamed me for this, and i was still bllied for a while.

But it did settle down, and life was ok for a while.

I think I freaked out on Monday because it put me right back to that poor little kid who was sat being made to eat food se didnt want, in a nasty enviroment, and in my mind i reverted back to that very scared child.

Now at least i can be prepared for Monday as no dobt there will be more people again.

I was glad to be able to tlk to Shirly as she really seems to be ble to get ou to think about things without even thinking of it really.

In the group session in the afternoon, she found yet another deep subject on wihich to talk on. The feeling of being uncomfortable and the fear of being touched as most of us think we dont deserve it.

Most of us left crying . I then went for a coffee with oe of the girls and we had a really good chat. There was only two of us left at 4pm, so i got chance to get to know one of the other girls a bit better as well. It was a very emtional day.

I cried a lot on the train on the way home, i miss being the person i used to be, but i dont know if i can ever find her, i think she is really lost deep inside, and it is really scary to let go of the only thing thats kept me alive, My ed.

I have a headach this morning, but i did sleep ok last night. I might go back to bed for a bit..

Love to ya all.

Dawn xx

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04/02/08

 

How can a good day turn to shit, and vice versa….

I am so fed up of people lying about stuff..

Cheques cans clear as they lie about it, and now i am in arreas for my caravan which I dont even own anymore..

crap hey

fed up fed up fed up fed up fed up

D xx

03/02/08

3:26 am.

 

Yes I am awake very early, as I cant sleep.

 

I think maybe it is because I haven’t slept this week at all.

 

Everything seemed to be going ok at the beginning of the week, I was more positive about everything, but now, I just don’t know…

 

Wednesday I had a good day really, I went to see mum and how she was doing. Then I went horse riding.

 

Paul had made a few jokesabout me going back to work, and me falling off the horse, so what did I do, yes I fell off.

 

Belle wasn’t in the best of moods, she had tried to get me off twice before that, and I manaed to stay on, so I don’t know what happened this time….. I think she just really wanted to get me off.

 

Anyways, I got back on like a good girl… But it made our lesson late, and the teacher gave us an extra ten minutes, that was good.

 

Thursday and I didn’t feel so bad, I hadnt slept much but I was ok.

 

The stupid train was late, and had some fault with it, so when it got toWiganit was to disembark two of the carriges, then it decided to boot us all off.

 

I had no way then of getting toManchester, and was well stuck. I really wanted to see Shirley. But now I missed out.

 

I feel so bad about it, but the next train was like an hour and it wasn’t even going to my stop.

 

Friday,

 

I had a bit of a lazy day today, seen mum for a bit, and did a few things at home.  My ribs are really sore now, I think I have bust one. It really hurts when I breathe and bend down….

 

Saturday

 

Very busy day.

 

Took Paul into Town, he has a sore foot, so I drove. Went to Staples, to get some adhesive stuff for my collage picture. Which is now sitting in the spare room, finished.

 

Then we went to banks, to get some new riding gear for me.

You see when I fell off my foot got caught in the stirrup and nearly had me dragged round the ring. Not good,  so I needed to get some proper riding gear.

 

I think I have beenreally upset by the fact that I had to get jodpurs which were a size 18.

 

I am not that big. AM I?

 

Ed is saying so, much to me right now… I hate myself. I feel so powerless to it.

 

I took two lax because I haven’t been to the toilet this week, and I was sick this morning after my breackfast.

 

I think I just paniked about the size thing.

 

My clothes seem the same tightness, and my boots still fit. So I cant have put much on. I am jhust really freaking about it.
Oh and about going back to work..

 

I have to talk about it today with everyone, Sunday night  so sorry Monday morning it is.

 

Yeah so I will have to speak…

 

I am getting nervous about it. I have had so many bad dreams tonight..  About being rejected by everyone, and by them saying nasty things like I am just skiving.

 

I don’t think any of them care or really have a clue how all this has affected me.

 

 

Why do I care about how they feel anyways,,, I am so stupid.

 

I just wish that things were so different, that people actually liked me for being me. Nothing else, but non of them do.

 

Take Kate for example, I am so worried about seeing her. Its really freaking me out.

 

She has hurt me so much and doesn’t even think she has, and I am sure in her eyes, I am the bad person, and she is in the right.

 

Not once did she come to see me, and I needed her. How bad is that…

 

Friends, who needs them…

 

I am also worried aboutSian, I haven’t heard anything from her all week, and this is not like her. I called and everything.. I know she is a bit sick but Im scared in case something has happened to her and the baby. Please please don’t say anything like that has happened…..

 

I hope she is ok…

 

 

Umm im a bit lost really and my ribs are hurting. Think I have od’d a bit on painkillers, which isn’t good, buti so need them right now.

 

Am not looking forward to walking to the hospital this morning, or getting weighed. Or about speaking in front of everyone today…

 

Love to ya… miss being on here… miss my friends…

 

Dawn xxx