Been a while since i wrote a blog on the actual blog page and i must say feels kind of weird.
After the huge ordeal of monday at dc, i thought thurs was going to be just as bad but to be honest it wast anywhere near like that.
I had my appointment with shirley in the mornng, and we talked a bit about the ongoings of the week, then it got to the subject of Monday and how it all went wrong.
I began to realise that it wasnt just the amount of food that we had to eat it was the whole situation.
You see there was a lot more of us on Monday and that meant the table wasnt big enough so they made it into one long table… and that just took me back about 25 years to when I was in primary school..
“Come on fatty you can eat all that, then we can go out and play”
The quicker you eat the beter it is for all of us”
I was sat back on the table of eight wth the older children at Mere Brow primary school…
I was suddenly very frightened and as usual I had a good reason to e scared, and very scared.
You see when we were very very tiny we used to sit on one long dining table where a dinner lady would then bring out our food for us, but as we got older we went to sit on a table of eight where the two oldest children then had the responsibility of dishing out the food.
I was in a position, which I was abused in every day.
The older children didnt like certain foods, so Dawn got to et it all. But if anyone else didnt like to eat something Dawn got to eat it all even more of it.
I remember oe time, where I was made to eat 8 hotdog sausaes on buns, and I felt so sick afterwards.
Of course I couldnt tell anyone, my mum wasn’t around much, as she had been severely ill and in hospital for ages.
This behaviour continued for a very lng time, and as a small child because of all the extra food I began to get bigger. This made it even more difficult to have good friends as I was the point of their bickering.
It wasn’t utill one of the other kids had said something to me when my mm was near that she found out what was happening at school, and she was blazing. Why couldnt i have gone to her and told her in the first place, I didnt feel I could, as when ever i used to go to her, I was pushed away, or she wastnt there to isten to.
The school head teacher at the time was of course mortified that this behaviour was going on and the whole school dining room changed as if overnight. Then the other kids blamed me for this, and i was still bllied for a while.
But it did settle down, and life was ok for a while.
I think I freaked out on Monday because it put me right back to that poor little kid who was sat being made to eat food se didnt want, in a nasty enviroment, and in my mind i reverted back to that very scared child.
Now at least i can be prepared for Monday as no dobt there will be more people again.
I was glad to be able to tlk to Shirly as she really seems to be ble to get ou to think about things without even thinking of it really.
In the group session in the afternoon, she found yet another deep subject on wihich to talk on. The feeling of being uncomfortable and the fear of being touched as most of us think we dont deserve it.
Most of us left crying . I then went for a coffee with oe of the girls and we had a really good chat. There was only two of us left at 4pm, so i got chance to get to know one of the other girls a bit better as well. It was a very emtional day.
I cried a lot on the train on the way home, i miss being the person i used to be, but i dont know if i can ever find her, i think she is really lost deep inside, and it is really scary to let go of the only thing thats kept me alive, My ed.
I have a headach this morning, but i did sleep ok last night. I might go back to bed for a bit..
Love to ya all.