03/02/08

3:26 am.

 

Yes I am awake very early, as I cant sleep.

 

I think maybe it is because I haven’t slept this week at all.

 

Everything seemed to be going ok at the beginning of the week, I was more positive about everything, but now, I just don’t know…

 

Wednesday I had a good day really, I went to see mum and how she was doing. Then I went horse riding.

 

Paul had made a few jokesabout me going back to work, and me falling off the horse, so what did I do, yes I fell off.

 

Belle wasn’t in the best of moods, she had tried to get me off twice before that, and I manaed to stay on, so I don’t know what happened this time….. I think she just really wanted to get me off.

 

Anyways, I got back on like a good girl… But it made our lesson late, and the teacher gave us an extra ten minutes, that was good.

 

Thursday and I didn’t feel so bad, I hadnt slept much but I was ok.

 

The stupid train was late, and had some fault with it, so when it got toWiganit was to disembark two of the carriges, then it decided to boot us all off.

 

I had no way then of getting toManchester, and was well stuck. I really wanted to see Shirley. But now I missed out.

 

I feel so bad about it, but the next train was like an hour and it wasn’t even going to my stop.

 

Friday,

 

I had a bit of a lazy day today, seen mum for a bit, and did a few things at home.  My ribs are really sore now, I think I have bust one. It really hurts when I breathe and bend down….

 

Saturday

 

Very busy day.

 

Took Paul into Town, he has a sore foot, so I drove. Went to Staples, to get some adhesive stuff for my collage picture. Which is now sitting in the spare room, finished.

 

Then we went to banks, to get some new riding gear for me.

You see when I fell off my foot got caught in the stirrup and nearly had me dragged round the ring. Not good,  so I needed to get some proper riding gear.

 

I think I have beenreally upset by the fact that I had to get jodpurs which were a size 18.

 

I am not that big. AM I?

 

Ed is saying so, much to me right now… I hate myself. I feel so powerless to it.

 

I took two lax because I haven’t been to the toilet this week, and I was sick this morning after my breackfast.

 

I think I just paniked about the size thing.

 

My clothes seem the same tightness, and my boots still fit. So I cant have put much on. I am jhust really freaking about it.
Oh and about going back to work..

 

I have to talk about it today with everyone, Sunday night  so sorry Monday morning it is.

 

Yeah so I will have to speak…

 

I am getting nervous about it. I have had so many bad dreams tonight..  About being rejected by everyone, and by them saying nasty things like I am just skiving.

 

I don’t think any of them care or really have a clue how all this has affected me.

 

 

Why do I care about how they feel anyways,,, I am so stupid.

 

I just wish that things were so different, that people actually liked me for being me. Nothing else, but non of them do.

 

Take Kate for example, I am so worried about seeing her. Its really freaking me out.

 

She has hurt me so much and doesn’t even think she has, and I am sure in her eyes, I am the bad person, and she is in the right.

 

Not once did she come to see me, and I needed her. How bad is that…

 

Friends, who needs them…

 

I am also worried aboutSian, I haven’t heard anything from her all week, and this is not like her. I called and everything.. I know she is a bit sick but Im scared in case something has happened to her and the baby. Please please don’t say anything like that has happened…..

 

I hope she is ok…

 

 

Umm im a bit lost really and my ribs are hurting. Think I have od’d a bit on painkillers, which isn’t good, buti so need them right now.

 

Am not looking forward to walking to the hospital this morning, or getting weighed. Or about speaking in front of everyone today…

 

Love to ya… miss being on here… miss my friends…

 

Dawn xxx

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