29/06/07

 

Umm night before wasn’t good, got so drunk and spent the night crying, at least I got some sleep though, falling into a drunken stupor at about 9pm.

I don’t think I ever could have imagined what it was going to be like burying my Nan, but it wasn’t nice, from all over the country our family came and my cousins carried her coffin in. One of the being my brother, whom has been detached from this side of the family since my mum and dad got divorced, my nan and granddad only having seen one of their great grandchildren once.

Seeing everyone cry was heartbreaking and made me even worse, my cousin Stewart who was very close to my Nan couldn’t hold it together much, but his love for her and her love for his two kiddies was amazing, and every time I had been to the hospital or their house Stewart was there with them…

After the funeral we went back to the house, where there was some food and some drink. Paul and I left at about 1. With the intentions of going back later. One of my aunts was going to pick up my Nan’s ashes at 430 and we were to bury them in the garden by a tree specially picked for her.

We did go back and it was beautiful, the rain had managed to stay off for most of the day, so being outside was pleasant, and finally we left about 7.

I have had a few extra days off work, I went to the doctor yesterday to see if he could give me something to help me sleep at night, just for a few days, and I had my assessment at the hospital this morning. I am to be referred to the eating disorder unit at cheadle in Manchester, I am not sure how long that will take but at least they will have a much better idea of what to do with me…

Just been for my riding lesson, I didn’t want to go but my new friend Michelle hadn’t text me with her number, so didn’t want to let her down. Plus having talked most of the morning to the doctor about everything, she advised me to go, as I love it so much…

Silly Doc… I was on a massive horse called Dimple, and he really bounced me all over the place, took some time to get used to him, I defiantly am going to have to get some proper riding boots my legs are a mess now, got bruises all up them.. So much for wanting to have summer legs… hey what summer anyway… lol

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Dawn xx

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26/06/07

 

Thankfully that is… I have been so bored today, we got a new machine in to supposedly make us loads of money and it done nothing but break down all day, I been standing waiting for the stupid thing to get going…

BORING

Anyways, am not here for long tonight, going to relax watch some TV, and do nothing… Got enough to do tomorrow…

I was thinking about it a bit today, wondering what it will be like and stuff. I am just going to feel weird, seeing everyone again, the last time was at their reunion last year, and that was amazing…

Anyways, am not going to think much about it tonight, and am going to drink myself stupid just like I did last night… a whole bottle of wine.. And I ended up being sick, it normally doesn’t affect me that much, but on an empty stomach, and then trying to eat something, recipe for disaster…

Aint had anything to eat yet today, but got some garlic chicken in the oven, so am going to try that, I don’t want it, but am going to try…

Have a good evening all. I don’t think I will be online tomorrow, and if I am I don’t think I will be talking much…

Take care, love ya’s Dawn …

PS think about myNan tomorrow about 1030…

25/06/07

 

I seem to have confused some people in my latest blog.

I.e. talking about ed. Ed is not a real person, or a person I used to know, Ed is short for eating disorder.

In referring to needing him, I am meaning me needing him in a sense as a coping mechanism. A strategy in dealing with everything I don’t like, or don’t want to cope with.

I know it’s a bit confusing, but Ed really does feel like a part of me, a part I want to get rid of like but none the less…

Hope that makes it a little clearer.

Dawn x

23/06/07

 

There is a sadness inside me today, that I have only wanted to hide, but haven’t been able to, my friends keep texting to see if I am all right, but what do they really want to here…. I say I am ok, but I am not, I feel a deep loss and I don’t know how to express it…

I know next week is going to be one of the worst in my life, I feel like I have gone full circle and I am again going backwards, but this time, I don’t want to stop it, am I so bad to feel I need something to take away this pain, and to feel the only thing is the friend I once loved, my ed..

Ed is a friend I could count on to help me when everything was at its worst, he was there to support me and offer comfort and control to at least something in my life. Now needing him is making me feel like the worst person alive, and I don’t want to need him…. I really do hate him…

The simplest pleasure in life, I cannot have, and that’s to enjoy food with the people I love, to go out and eat in a big place is the most frightening though, yet to fit into society I have to do it…..

Feelings are awful and emotions rule you…

This emotional woman is hurting badly and I don’t know what to do about it…

Dawn xx

22/06/07

 

Ummm yeah it’s not easy at the moment, this morning I felt like exploding, I had anger inside me for so many reasons, I am feeling really really down at the moment, and I cant or don’t want to let myself get to upset over my nan…

The funeral is next Wednesday and I am not looking forward to it… The last time I saw all my family was at their reunion and it was amazing, I think all of us knew then the next time we would see each other would be at her funeral…

I am so glad though she got to see everyone one last time… all my cousins from America and Australia flew over to be there and there was a huge card for all of us to sign, it really was an amazing party.

I am going to be online most of tonight, Paul is off to play snooker and I don’t want to sit there and watch so will get on with some writing and be chatting to people…

I don’t want to let myself get to upset, as I really don’t want to self harm and at the moment have been thinking about it a lot.

I do have my appointment next week so even though I aint looking forward to it, I know it will really help me, in regards to grieving for my Nan…

Take care Dawn xxx

By kanundra Posted in netlog