20/06/08

I am finding it so hard to find a job, and I really want to get back to work, it sounds crazy and am sure everyone would think ‘oh yeah to never have to work again brill’ but let me tell you it sucks.
I am so fed up and bored at home, its annoying me sooo much now.

There are very few jobs around, and very few things i would like to do.

I want to seriously find something.

i sent off my cv for 3 jobs yesterday and amazing enough i got a reply from one, saying the hours had changed and would that be a problem…

No way i need more hours.

So she is interviewing this week, and I am sat here in my interview clothes hoping it will be today… Please let the telephone ring…

I think i have gone completly mad.

Anyways, going to email the bbc to as still havent heard from them that they recieved my script before the deadline, and i would really lie to know.

Hope all is well with everyone else.

Speak soon.

Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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14/06/08

Ok so for me these last few weeks have been a little crap.

I have been struggling with some food issues but they have been mostly looking after themselves.

My main upset is finding a job, there are so few out there and so few i really want to do. This whole world is heart breaking, and am finding the more depressed i get the more i want to focuss on not eating again.

My mums cat has also gone missing.

He was here on friday, and everyone locally saw him, but Sat morning, and that was it, he has gone. Cant see him anywhere, and there has been no evidence that he has been hit by a car or anything. My mu is really upset in case he has been hit and has crawled away to somewhere no one can see him.
I just wish he would come home. I think this year has been hard enough on my mum.

Silly little cat though we know he has crossed the road many a time as we have seen him do it. I am praying for him.

:) :):) :)

Love to you all.

Dawn

10/06/08

t seems that today can get even worse.
After getting no sleep last night, and having really bad cystitis, then the runs this morning. I get up to go feed the fish, one joy in one day, oh no….

The filter system flooded as soon as i turned the pump off and emptied all the k1 into the bunker. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- RRRRRRRRRR
Took 3 hours to get most of it out. Rescued a frog too though.
Then I come back in to get breckfast and that sucked big time. I hated every bite and so dont want to eat at the moment.
There sitting under my phone was also a letter from hubby, and not a nice one.

I was the one who went away on Sunday night nearly in tears as he had been fishing all day, so I was alone, and then when he did come home all he could do was moan as something was in his way. There is nothing wrong with him picking at me when its just us, as i hope he is only kidding, but when he bad mouths me to other people thats when it hurts.

Claire was really nice though sunday night and we had a little chat.
He has changed his job and now i dont get to see him at all during the day. I dont even think for one minute he has wondered wether it will affect me or not.
Its not just that, there are other things to, and I am really getting down over it.
One of my friends keeps on going on about her new diet, and that really destroys me. I text my best mate Sian to speak to her, and got no reply, then the day after i find out she ended up in hospital as she was bleeding (6mths pregnant) so she is haveing a week off to rest. The thing is she doesnt even want a visit, how does that make me feel.

Really crap.

I wish E D would make the feelings go away again, make life easier to muddle through. I can pretend I am ok, and carry on with things as they are, but I dont like the way i feel all the time. So down and depressed.

After my cpa last week, and seeing my own new doctor I think i need my meds increasing. I need something to blot out this crap.

I really have tried to get some writing done today, to get this script ready for the compitition, this is a new one, and have turned an old 10 minute script to 30 mins hoping it will get me a chance, the prise is a week in london at film school and £500, could do with that. But now I dont want to.

I upset Paul and I dont mean too. I uspet my friends and I dont mean too. I feel like shit and can do nothing right.

Wish it would all go away……………………………………….- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- …………………………………………..- ………………………………………… wish i could go away……………

04/06/08

I have had a rather crap week today. made slightly worse by some comment from a person i had just met.
Why are some people so bad with things, why do they have to say something so stupid, This voice inside my head is having a field day and its worked, I have managed to go without my tea, and no one knows but me…. well and everyone here now.

The thing is I feel so much better for it, I dont feel guilty for hiding it, and I want to carry on. Yet i have the hospital tomorrow and i get to see Shirly as well and i know she wont be happy knowing I have been struggling and have had no one to turn to.

I have had people i just havent felt like i could share things.

I feel sooo fat, and ugly and i know i have put on sooo much weight, that its noticible in my face, and I really am unhappy about it. So upset that all i want to do is revert back to ed, and never ever let anyone make me eat again. I know you have to eat, but i so dont want to.

I think i am just having a really bad day, and i might be able to turn it round and make headway again tomorrow, but I dont want to i really dont.

This is just a moan, as I feel so crap.

I wont let it turn backwards but i really really do need to lose those few pounds again. 10lb since xmas isnt a lot, but when you hate it so much it really is a lot, it might as well be 10 stone as its so huge……

Umm moan over.

Love ya alll
Dawn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx