29/01/08

 

I cant believe in some way’s how quick the time is going.

 

We went  for another meal withSianand Noel on Friday night and then came back to ours for a drink and some more talking, butSianwas really tired so she left before 12.

 

It was great to see them so happy and looking forward to having a baby… I am really pleased for them.

 

We talked about the plans for the house, and she seemed as excited as us.

 

Saturday we didn’t do so much, as we were going out sat night toSouthportwith John and Beata. This was really nice to get out and have a drink and really enjoy myself. I was a little nervous in case I saw Kate, but it didn’t last long. I am sure she will find out from Sylvia and Laura.

 

I don’t want to bother with it to be honest. And especially not to think about it.

 

Sunday we went and cleaned out van and packed the rest of the few bits. It was good to see it all clean, and to be able to finally walk away and know it really ahs been sold. They finished paying for it on Sunday and sorted out the paperwork.

 

I don’t know how to feel about it really, I am still a bit shell shocked.

 

Anyways I went to the hospital yesterday, and we made our own home made soup and it went quite well, at lunch. Dinner was hard, they won’t bring any other hot deserts over now, so we are stuck with eating two yogurts in one day, its not nice believe me.

 

I have put on two pounds, but I am ok with it, as pat says it is muscle, so I have been trying to think of it like that, but my weight really seems to just stay the same.

 

I hope everything will work out ok.

 

I am feeling more positive about things, and am going to go back to work soon, I know I want to anyways. Just to get things moving forward again.

 

I am a bit nervous but I will really be ok.

 

I have to be, as I want to think I can do this…

 

I have asked to try a course in Transactional Analysis, and am really thinking about doing a degree in it, to try and get better work, I don’t want to stay at the factory any more.

 

My mum hasn’t been well this last week, she has been really down and a pale looking, I took her to the doctors today who say she has a viral bug.

 

At least she now knows so she can rest properly.

 

Hoping everything is ok for my friends even though I am not on the net I do miss it.

 

Am seeing Shirley on Thursday and I think she will be pleased with my decisions.

 

Your Dawn xxx

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25/01/08

 

Ok so yesterday I really did have a bad day, but I didn’t not eat, I managed three meals, I had breackfast some lunch, and a snack; then dinner. It took me all my time to do it, but I managed it so I do feel better.

 

I had a busy day yesterday even though I didn’t go to the hospital. I got rid of loads of things of ours, and took the last few bits of stuff to the tip. There is still a fire and a few rugs that I don’t want but hey, I’ve done ok for now.

 

Most of our clothes are in suitcases and there is a suitcase full of bedding. The drawers are full of clothes now, and its just a case of waiting.

 

I spoke to Claire a bit last night, and she gets the same impression that I do that my mum is now trying to skrimp and scrape to get this project off the ground.

 

To be honest, yes of course there are things I do want to buy, and as I found out last night, my mum rang Paul up paniking in case I went out and spent loads of money.

 

The thing is yes there are things I want. Like a new laptop and the excersise machine, I’d love a new dining table and chairs, but I know for a while it aint going to happen.

 

My mum and brother need to get their arses into gear and get Gerry sorted out, and a mortgage, other wise I think we will be leaving.

 

My mum is still going on a bout getting a mortgage and paying off the caspital, but to be honest, I don’t want to do that, and probably cant afford it. We only have 450 a month to pay for the rent and that’s as far as I am willing to go. I think she has this idea again that we will all move into here, but we said that wont work, so its not an option.

 

As far as I am concerned now, the ball lies in their court, Paul and I have done our part we have sold up and moved out, and believe me that was so so hard. I am finding it really weird, the idea of not going back to our van scares me something wicked.

 

The next few steps should be to go and see Gerry, agree on a price. Then go and sort out the mortgage…

 

Simple, yeah but not that simple… we also need to get the plans drawn up on what we want the house to look like, and that is entirely up to mum and chris, so they need to DECIDE.

 

Its doing my head in….

 

The granny flat is going to cost a lot of money, but what building doesn’t.

 

I’m sorry but until this is sorted my head is going to be a right mess.

 

I just don’t know if I am coming or going… If we are going then, the money I get I will spend on some of the nicer things, like what I want, and in a place that I want to. I will rent a house and do it as I please and sod them…

 

Anyways, apart from that, the house is looking nice now. I have to say that its been hard, but worth it. Paul has the pond in and wired up, so at least the fish are ok, we lost one fish though it stressed out and died. Bless.

 

I also went to hip hop class last night with Claire, and I really enjoyed it. The warm up was actually harder than the dancing but that is only as I can’t remember which steps come next so I am finding it hard to follow. I will get there, I have set my mind to it.

 

I am not as unfit as I thought I was.

 

I’m going horse riding on Tuesday as well and am looking forward to that….

 

Oops forgot to say I can now do 20 sit ups…. Am a bit sore after but I think I am getting there.

 

Anyways as for today, and this weekend, once again its going to be busy.

 

I’m opening a bank account with mum today and then going to visit Pat for a massage, and then I’m meetingSianand Noel later at The Hayfield for a meal and a few drinks. Am really looking forward to seeing her but I think she will be asleep on us lol…

 

Then sat we are going toSouthport, and then to sort out the caravan once and for all… Clean and sign it away…

 

OH MY GOD

 

Yeah busy…

 

Speak soon all. Love to ya…

 

Dawn xx

24/01/08

 

Oh my god, I never in a million years thought I had that much stuff, but I did have. WOW

 

My mum picked me up after 9 and we met Paul at smiths van hire, so frank could drive it, you should have seen the paperwork for that to, it was crazy.

 

The worst thing, was they were really snotty in the office about us being let on to move out all our belongings, I mean come on, we sold our caravan and made then 3000 for doing nothing, and they are expecting us to do it on a Sunday for just 2 hours, it would have taken all year…

 

Anyways, I thought frank was going to spit out his dummy when the van was loaded, because Paul was supposed to be going back to work at 230, it was 200 before they even left to bring the stuff up here. Luckily enough Paul rang his boss, and they covered the school run, so he could finish the move. He had asked for time off but he’d never got it, till right last minute.

 

We went out last night to the Farmers arms, for a meal, that’s the third time I have eaten out this week, and to be honest I am really freaking out about it. You see, I did a daft thing this morning and I got on our scales, it says I’m 4kg heavier than I was last Monday, is that possible? Oh god, I shouldn’t have done it should I!!!

 

I now think I am so fat and I am crying here, I hate myself so much, and don’t want to eat at all today. I’m supposed to have gone to the hospital but I have been awake all night, I’ve got a headach, and the runs. I think it’s the stress from moving.

 

But 4kg. I should not have done it. I know scales can vary in different places but I am so upset, I don’t think I could convey how much.

 

I know Kath says, go on how your clothes are feeling to, but I think my jeans are tighter, and I’m sure Ive got a roll of fat now where I didn’t have before.

 

This eating disorder is the worst thing in my life, it’s horrible, and I wish I wasn’t here any more to have to suffer like this.

 

I am more than upset. Devastated. I’m going to go for a walk I think to get some milk, and burn some energy. I can’t do this today.  I am also going out later to hip hop with Claire, so that will be good, and horse riding next week. I defiantly have to get weighed when I go to the hospital on Monday as I think between now and then I am really going to have a panic attack and that’s not good. I don’t want to feel like this, but I can’t help it.

 

There is something inside me that is telling me these thoughts which are wrong. I know I am beautiful, I can see it. But I can also see something else lurking in the background waiting to bite at me and hurt me more than I ever could myself.

 

Why does it have to be like this, why am I such a bad person, I have to punish myself and think like this, I wish it would go away, I can’t go on like this anymore.

 

I never thought that first time I put my fingers down my throat to make myself sick that 15 years on, I would still be like this. I never imagined the damage I could cause to my own body and health.

 

All I wanted was a bit of love, someone who wanted to share time with me, and could help nurture the person I was…

 

I am trying to put my nurturing adult into play here, but its not working. I should go eat some breakfast but there is no way now that I can………

 

 

Love Dawn x

 

Xx

22/01/08

 

What a hectic weekend it has been, I can tell you…..Just Wow

 

Friday wasn’t really a great day to start with, but it improved a lot Amazingly enough, Paul has received payment for his redundancy, £1200 wow I cant believe it, and you know its just such a relief, I can tell you.

 

Paul came home and we then went out to my friends 21 party, I was to meet three women there, two I knew of but hadn’t met, and the other I had only heard of by Jen.

 

It was a bit strange going in to Mere Brow club after my 30th party, sort of like it was ages ago. But in the end we both got a lot from it I think.

 

Jay was brilliant, she is so nice, and obviously beautiful, I realised how much she really has been through. As for Faye, she was a completely different story, she was an obvious self harmer, as her cuts were on visable, she wore a pair of gloves, so no one could see the worse ones, but as the night grew on, and she was more and more drunk, she took them off, and yes, she was a mess, They were bad, but I have seen worse, like Chantelle, the thing with Faye’s were more that you knew they were real deep, as you could then see the stitch marks, like when I had my knee opp.

 

I think Christine was lovely, Jen’s friend frommanchester, I didn’t know that she has applied to Cheadle Royal as in to work there, but it didn’t scare me. Was nice that Paul could talk to her for a bit, when I went to the toilet, and was nice that he talked about his experience and about how her husband has been with her illness.

 

 

Saturday was a little weird, I wanted to go out to matalan to see if I could get a jumper like my grey one, and we ended up going to the caravan site, and then on to Ron Dockers, so Paul could finish off installing his DVD recorder. We then ended up going out for lunch and although I ordered an all day breakfast I gave Paul the egg, and took the sausage home, although I did eat it with toast and chips, heheheheh

 

I think I did really week, but the thing for me was my friend who works there Gill, who I used to go to school with, came over for a chat, I then mentioned I was attending Cheadle and she turned round and said that she has the opposite eating disorder from me.

 

How the hell does she know what Ed I have, I am more anorexic than bulimic, and I am suffering more than ever at the moment with self harm thoughts, why did she have to say that it was such a stupid comment?

 

Oh I don’t know, why I think such stupid things when other people pass comment….

 

Its crap….

 

 

Saturday night, and we went up to my dads for a meal another hot one I might add, but seeing as I’d had such a big dinner I couldn’t eat that much and Liz was great about it. I did manage some Banoffee pie later though.

 

I drove home, and had a good nights sleep for a change.

 

 

Sunday we went to the caravan and would you believe it, we actually sold it as well…

 

To be honest I can’t believe its gone, but I think I am ok with it.

 

I will miss it don’t get me wrong, but I know it is for the best.

 

Monday and the train was so late, because of flooding at chorley and I thought I had missed my appointment with Shirly but I hadn’t and I got to speak to her all about my weeks findings,

 

I am growing as a person and I understand more of where and who I am now more than I ever did.

 

I still feel like I am fat, but I know that the scales and others don’t agree with me. I just have to believe in others and borrow their adult personality from them,

 

Its not easy by any means, and I am finding it really hard, in fact more than really hard. But I think I am getting there.

 

I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks, but I know things are getting better.

 

Tuesday

 

I have spent most of the day today doing some nice things with Paul, we went to Ormskirk to pay our council tax bill and then did a bit of window shopping, I am glad that I did, as there are some great bargains, in B&M, but Paul wont let me get them yet.

 

I want out place to look nice, where ever we end up. I just hope that he trusts my decorative taste

 

 

Anyways, tomorrow we move out of our caravan for good, it will be a long hard day, but I will do ok with it, and I will be ok,

 

I hope to speak soon, thankfully I got a laptop even though mine has gone away to be fixed, this one is a loan but it will sever a purpose, and I am so happy for that…

 

 

See you

 

Dawn xxx

 

 

14/01/08

 

 

So today I have learned even more about the person that I am and why I behaved as I did over Christmas.

 

I know that Kate has hurt me a lot and in the past this sort of friendship has been what I have hung onto. No matter what the consequences to my own health have been.

 

I realised that when I meet someone for the first time, and they do take an interest in me, and show that they like me, that I just jump in head first and don’t think about what they are offering me as a friend.

 

A true friendship works both ways, and isn’t all one sided.

 

In my C.B.T class today Zoë asked me what I really thought, and she asked many more questions.

 

I know I am not such a bad person, I have such great qualities and I know people do want me as a friend.

 

Abi, suggested writing Kate a letter explaining things, but Pam didn’t agree. Pam said that if it had been her friend and she had behaved like that she would have just forgotten about her.

 

Yes it’s easy to say things when it’s not your friend. But I expected so much more from Kate, and as in my childhood, I let things develop in a way that isn’t good.

 

I can’t say how I am going to handle going back to work and on seeing Kate, but I can say that I have to do a bit more thinking about it.

 

The rest of the day was really good,

 

Dawn x