24/01/08

 

Oh my god, I never in a million years thought I had that much stuff, but I did have. WOW

 

My mum picked me up after 9 and we met Paul at smiths van hire, so frank could drive it, you should have seen the paperwork for that to, it was crazy.

 

The worst thing, was they were really snotty in the office about us being let on to move out all our belongings, I mean come on, we sold our caravan and made then 3000 for doing nothing, and they are expecting us to do it on a Sunday for just 2 hours, it would have taken all year…

 

Anyways, I thought frank was going to spit out his dummy when the van was loaded, because Paul was supposed to be going back to work at 230, it was 200 before they even left to bring the stuff up here. Luckily enough Paul rang his boss, and they covered the school run, so he could finish the move. He had asked for time off but he’d never got it, till right last minute.

 

We went out last night to the Farmers arms, for a meal, that’s the third time I have eaten out this week, and to be honest I am really freaking out about it. You see, I did a daft thing this morning and I got on our scales, it says I’m 4kg heavier than I was last Monday, is that possible? Oh god, I shouldn’t have done it should I!!!

 

I now think I am so fat and I am crying here, I hate myself so much, and don’t want to eat at all today. I’m supposed to have gone to the hospital but I have been awake all night, I’ve got a headach, and the runs. I think it’s the stress from moving.

 

But 4kg. I should not have done it. I know scales can vary in different places but I am so upset, I don’t think I could convey how much.

 

I know Kath says, go on how your clothes are feeling to, but I think my jeans are tighter, and I’m sure Ive got a roll of fat now where I didn’t have before.

 

This eating disorder is the worst thing in my life, it’s horrible, and I wish I wasn’t here any more to have to suffer like this.

 

I am more than upset. Devastated. I’m going to go for a walk I think to get some milk, and burn some energy. I can’t do this today.  I am also going out later to hip hop with Claire, so that will be good, and horse riding next week. I defiantly have to get weighed when I go to the hospital on Monday as I think between now and then I am really going to have a panic attack and that’s not good. I don’t want to feel like this, but I can’t help it.

 

There is something inside me that is telling me these thoughts which are wrong. I know I am beautiful, I can see it. But I can also see something else lurking in the background waiting to bite at me and hurt me more than I ever could myself.

 

Why does it have to be like this, why am I such a bad person, I have to punish myself and think like this, I wish it would go away, I can’t go on like this anymore.

 

I never thought that first time I put my fingers down my throat to make myself sick that 15 years on, I would still be like this. I never imagined the damage I could cause to my own body and health.

 

All I wanted was a bit of love, someone who wanted to share time with me, and could help nurture the person I was…

 

I am trying to put my nurturing adult into play here, but its not working. I should go eat some breakfast but there is no way now that I can………

 

 

Love Dawn x

 

Xx

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