12/01/08

 

Hi everyone.

 

Its been a very tough week, I realised that some of my thoughts, are really still not good, after getting my new meds, I took my first tablet far to early and was asleep at 5 pm, off and on and then in bed at 8pm… lol… I know I needed to sleep but I wasn’t expecting it to be straight away.

 

Anyways the hospital was good on Thursday, I know talking to Shirley is really helping, and to some of the other staff, I haven’t self injured, although the feelings are there, and I am talking about them now, which is good… Shirley assured me that even with everything that has happened over xmas that I am doing really good. I have made a lot of positive and strong decisions, like forcing Paul Riley out of the car. I as my child self, let my Adult take over and make the right decision instead of being bullied and letting him get in the car and come to Leyland with us.

 

In the other sense I have made some decisions to whom really is my friend, and who really isn’t. It has been hard to actually admit that certain people are there just because I am a nice person and generally would do lots of things for them, but I have admitted it now and put into practice ways to stop them from carrying on and doing that, and hurting me.

 

I know in what ever future I have I need certain things in life, and friends are one of them, but I need friends who take care of me as well as let me take care of them.

 

I haven’t been able to really open up and talk to any of my friends in the past, even with Sian it has been really difficult, and I have felt like by me putting my problems on her, that she will decide she doesn’t like me anymore, and she will run away.

 

I know that has come from my friends in childhood, Elaine did a similar thing and so did another friend Sally. A couple of other girls were there only for what they could get at the time, and one girl would ring me up and tell me specifically that I was the last person she had thought of to go out to the cinema with.. so she had rung me… I mean come on WHY did I put up with that at school, why didn’t I turn round and tell her that I was a person with feelings….

 

Nope I just was glad that someone wanted to actually go out with me and I went to the cinema with her…

 

I am so ashamed of the person I used to be, and the things people used to do to me…

 

I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t all the time, and that hurt me so much.

 

Is it a wonder really that I sat in my room making up stories about beautiful people who were loved and cared for, who had friends and relationships.

 

I did anything I could to try and hide from the shit reality that I had as a growing up young woman.

 

When one of my closest friends moved away, I was very hurt, she rang me a couple of times, and I rang her, but I didn’t know how hurt she was by her own life, while she was still living in my area, her parents had a very volatile relationship, and her mum was in hospital a few times as her dad had hit her.

 

I didn’t know at the time, but Louise, was anorexic, and very very down. She talked to me a few times about her family problems, and as I sort of connected with her, I saw her a lot more. My other friend Elaine, was upset and we fell out on numerous occasions, because I was with Louise and not her, I know she didn’t understand that her life was very different to ours.

 

I admit myself, because she was one of the closest friends I had, I got pretty jealous when she then started another friendship with a different girl, and maybe I did push her away.

 

When Louise was admitted to hospital for Anorexia, I didn’t really understand that was why she was in there, her tiny frame was under 5 stone, and even now looking back I can see when I was there she would eat some chocolate, but I also knew she made herself sick afterwards.

 

She was in hospital for a while and through the summer hols I went to visit her a few times, and stayed all day with her.

 

When she left I was very hurt, and even more so when I got a phone call the day before I started college, to say she had died.

 

People said that she committed suicide, and others said she choked on a piece of apple and drowned in the bath. I never found out the truth, I was just devastated. You see a few weeks before she had rung my house, and I hadn’t been there, and I never had the chance to ring her back, as my own life was going through so much, most of the time I did just hide in my room, hoping it would all be better some day.

 

I was very sorry for her, and I blamed myself for not being there for her, when I should have.

 

I know childhood friendships are very different from adult ones, but I craved it, and needed it so much I would take it from anyone who would pay me any sort of attention.

 

When Elaine and I really did fall out, I was in my second to last year at high school. She had a new boyfriend, and I just was to jealous and couldn’t cope with this fact, her boyfriend and her new friend were all that mattered to her, and I didn’t, I was possessive, but she was the only one who really had been my friend. I drove her away.

 

I remember the day like it was yesterday, we had an argument in school and that was it. She walked away from me, wouldn’t even look at me anymore, she stopped sitting with me in class, and no one else spoke to me either. I was completely on my own.

 

English was the hardest class of all. She made it perfectly clear to everyone in the class that she didn’t want to be associated with Big Fat Dawn Lloyd.

 

I ran out of my English class and hid in the toilets crying. Why was everything and everyone, turning me away? Was I so so bad, that I wasn’t worth anything?

 

I had no one……

 

It was 8mths, before she did actually speak to me. And it was because my granddad had passed away.

 

 

She had fallen out with her new friends, and needed someone to talk to, but I wasn’t being that person. Our friendship had ended and would never be the same, so I told her, and carried on my lonely existence.

 

My exams were a night mare, as mum and dad did nothing but argue, and when I left high school. I really did have no one to share my pain with.

 

Umm think I have written enough for now…

 

Love Dawn x

11/02/08

11th February 2008

Ummm where am I from last week….

Moday at the Hospital was a complete farce and I can say never again………..

OH MY GOD.

I was there as usual for about 9:00 am.  It was really difficult because I had to walk down there, and it was so painful. It took me ages because I had to keep a very slow pace. I stopped at a small shop, and bought a  beautiful birthday frame for Holly and Sibohan, It only says happy 18th and 21st. But it is lovely.

I am sure they will both love it………

When I was there, to be honest I absolutely freaked out… There was no one to do the shopping and I sat with Sue and Kath for ages before anyone else actually turned up.

I ended up going shopping with Pam, which was ok. We talked the whole way…

The thing was, there was no Prawns on the menu, and there was no mushrooms. Even in the end. I bought the Prawns and had to claim the cash back from them. But Pam did get everything else.

I was so pissed off as they never even put the mushrooms in with it.

When we got back. Abi was there to help with the cooking.

The wasn’t much space and  certainly not enough pans, or space for us to redo the risotto.

There was to many people to cook for and not enough time. It was after all gone11 am.

Anyways after sitting down to eat this massive bowl of rice and nuts and stuff; I freaked out big time.

O dear. Yeah it was really difficult for me not to then bring it back up.

We had Karens group afterwards, and to be honest I did give her so much grief. I said exactly what I thought of the whole thing. CRAP…… right from the start there was so much of a lack of communication, it just wasn’t good.

We then had Zoe’s group, and I was determined that I had to talk about going back to work.

Yeah I opened a can of worms then didn’t I….

It was so hard for me to admit the truth and to talk about how I was feeling about going back into the factory.

I was terrified, and really didn’t want to.

So there and then, I decided that at this present time. Going back to work, wasn’t an option. I was not strong enough to go back in there and to be really honest if I had then all I wanted to do was start restricting again.

And I MEAN really restricting.

I began to really cry and in one way all my emotions came out. About how I felt with the food fiasco we had just had. The fact that Sue and Kath changed their mind so much, and there was no proper communication.

I cried a lot.

But it was a good thing.

I decided not to go back to work, there and then.It was just never going to be a safe place for me to return to,

Tuesday.

I got some more pills off Dr Hudson, and I ended up being signed off work again for a month.

I am dreading tomorrow…

Wed

Yeah, umm another really crap day.

For a start Paul rejected me in the morning and I felt then very alone and ugly and fat.

I self injured again… and this was  before I even got to work.

I had the meeting and we both decided that I was better for the company and for myself that I leave.

I now have 12 weeks notice.

Ummmm……

Thursday..

I had to take a bus and a taxi to the hospital.. Bummer…..

I did have a real good chat with Shirley though, and Pam..

Pam is a wonderful lady, and I think a great friend….

The weekend was recuperating…

Seeing as it is so late and I am so tired….. I must go to bed……

Love Dawn xxxx

08/01/08

8th January 2008

 

 

Wow it seem like time has really flown already,

 

I had my appointment with a private doctor yesterday, to assess my hand injury, Its like 12mths since the accident so there is no real evidence left, all I feel is a little aching when it’s cold, or when I am riding the motorbike, he said that was usual in the first winter since an accident and an injury.

 

Today I have been to see my head psychiatrist, who has now changed my medication, oops reminds me I need to take my tablets now. lol… done.

 

Yeah so he sort of put my mind at rest really, saying that really after everything I have been through over the last few months, that any normal person would be totally overwhelmed with feelings… my problem is I want to suppress them. By not eating, or now as I am eating any other detrimental habit.

 

He was a really nice man even though I wasn’t in there with him for very long about 20 mins; I seemed to feel much calmer when I had left.

 

Good, yes, I was going to go up to the hospital tomorrow, but now am going to get my new prescription instead.

 

Things are just as mad in my head at the moment, I am so unsure as to which way or what we are going to end up doing, and I am really scared, my mind doesn’t want to get my hopes up to much, but really I want to live in my Nans house, and I do want to be happy and to settle once and for all. I am sure its just not going to happen though, my luck is just so bad, nothing really has ever worked out for me in the past so why should it now….

 

 

Anyways, have had a long day so am going. Trying to get some sleep here is hard at the moment, so Im just trying to keep busy. It aint working….

 

01/01/08

 

 

 

Umm well for a bit I am going to have to update as so much has happened over the xmas period.

 

After the incident at work I self injured a little, as I think I have put on my blogs already, but then again on the Saturday I did it again, but worse, it took a lot of covering up, believe me,

 

We went to our friends Sue and H’s on the Sunday for a wonderful meal, of which I did ok with but not brilliantly, I’d had a little wine so I did manage some more later on.

 

The house we stayed at was beautiful, a three story, four bed roomed palace, with huge kitchen living room, and games room. I really enjoyed staying there and left with a happier heart.

 

Monday night, and Paul went to play snooker, although he couldn’t as there was a ticket only night on and he came back after about 20 mins, it still didn’t stop me from having another go at my leg, I don’t know why I just couldn’t help it. I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. I went on the internet and blocked some of the people who have been draining my strength and emotions. I had to do it; I had to let them go. They were nice people with a few problems of their own but no matter what I did for them and how I tried to help them it never was enough, and they sapped my energy to a point when I just couldn’t do anything anymore.

 

To be blunt it was something I had been putting off for a long time, but I have now done it, and I am glad that I have, I feel much better.

 

Christmas day and we got up to open our few prezzie and cards off each other, then we went to my mums, Chris and Claire arrived a little later, and we opened all our gifts, and then the lads went out for a drink leaving us to open a bottle of wine.

 

I really enjoyed the day, we decided to stay over even though we had left spooky inside at the caravan, so I did have a lot more to drink but I was happy, well at least I thought I was.

 

We went to bed about 12, and Paul and I made love, of which he then felt my new scabs forming, He didn’t say anything to me till later on in the night, when then I freaked out, and went downstairs, and we sat and talked for a while. till 4 in the morning.

 

We did go back to bed, and then got up after9am. My mum was then up, and Paul decided he had to tell her what I have been doing to myself. My mum gave me a hug, but couldn’t understand why I would do it, and Paul told her I blamed myself for my Nans death. Why did he have to do that…..?

 

I left feeling very down hearted and totally exhausted, and when arriving at home, after having some dinner, went to bed till 4 that evening.

 

I had some wine left so I decided I would drink that after my tea, but I don’t think it helped me in anyway, I text my friend Sian asking her for her help, and to come down when her and Noel both had some spare time, to talk to her. I started crying on the phone and then Paul had to speak to her, I began to freak out even more, to the fact that everyone was now realising that I wasn’t handling all this as good as I was trying to portray.

 

All I want to do is not eat and numb all these emotions going on in my head, and try and just find a place where I can deal with everything, but I have to keep eating as I want to get better, and so I go and cut myself. I know none of it is good, but I am just so lost in the world right now.

 

I don’t know what happened much after that, I know I asked Paul to take me to the hospital, then I slunk off to cut myself again, but I couldn’t do much just one cut, as I then went and told Paul I wanted to hurt myself even more, he got me ready and we headed to Southport hospital.

 

I attacked my hand on the way there and managed to bite a hole in my skin. which didn’t bleed much but relieved some of my frustration?

 

I don’t remember much in the hospital, I know Paul was with me all the time, and I cried a lot and asked to be taken home, I freaked when the nurse came to asses me, and then when I was taken to the clinical decision unit, because that was where my nan had been only four weeks before.

 

I remember trying to go to sleep but I couldn’t, the nurses were talking and I then heard my name as the psychiatrist had arrived to see me, we went to a room and I talked for a while, with Paul there, the two women weren’t much help as they were from a different sector, and I wasn’t covered by them, so as long as Paul would look after me, and watch me when I went home, they were happy to let me go. I didn’t not feel safe at all and I still don’t, I still feel the urge to hurt myself even more.

 

Wednesday.

 

I went to my own doctors at 830 the next morning, we waited to get an appointment and I couldn’t see my own doctor as he was full. I ended up seeing someone who couldn’t help me at all with my lack of sleep my bad thoughts and my meds.

 

Paul and I left and we went to Ormskirk hospital where I was then assessed by another really nice young woman, who then liaised withManchester.

 

I have had a few days rest and a few days to think about things,

 

My mum and Frank came up for a meal, and we talked a lot about the plans for my Nans house, about what we would like to do, and where we are going in the future.

 

I am so scared that everything will change so much this year, and my life isn’t what I want it to be at all. I am just this fat freak who can’t see what she is, and I hate myself. Hurting me is just a way I can deal with it, and punish myself for not getting better, and for not feeling how I should, and just to get out all the fucking frustration inside my head.

 

I can’t do this anymore, I can’t.

 

Please let me be alone, and sad and then I can just end this pitiful existence.

 

 

But the thing is I don’t want to die, that is just this stupid voice inside my head that doesn’t want me to think or feel anything, when at the moment I am feeling more that I ever have in my entire life.

 

Yes I am scared, and anxious, and everything….

 

But I will get there.

 

Sunday night and Sian and noel came up so I could talk to her, in the afternoon I had wanted to cancel it, and let her down, but I would only have been hiding away from everything, and I know that isn’t what I need either.

 

So we talked, she cried, I cried a little, but not enough, and Noel and Paul came back. Noel had struggled to keep up with Paul drinking and he was well gone, he is really funny when he has had a drink and I so love his Irish accent.

 

New years, eve.

 

We had a slow day I haven’t been able to do much and haven’t had any energy for it, we then went up to my brothers for a little while, and stayed for an hour, then we went to Southport to Paul’s friends John and Beata, we had some nice food, that John had prepared for us, and we sat talking and watching the tv, Sylvia fell asleep and then it was time to celebrate the new year.

 

And now it is 2008…..

 

So what does that mean, am I going to suddenly get better, I do not think so.

 

I have so much in my head right now, and the immortal ‘I have to hurt myself’

I am struggling not to, and struggling to keep myself sane.

 

I have spent most of the day cleaning our van and getting it ready for the move next week.

 

I am tired, and sad, and lower than ever.

 

I wish it was different, and I wish I could get past this horrible point in my life.

 

I know I will, I have to, I have a wonderful husband who I adore, and love so so much. And I have some wonderful friends who support me, and care for me.

 

I will beat this; I will beat it this year.

 

 

Love all of you… Dawn xxxx