Umm well for a bit I am going to have to update as so much has happened over the xmas period.
After the incident at work I self injured a little, as I think I have put on my blogs already, but then again on the Saturday I did it again, but worse, it took a lot of covering up, believe me,
We went to our friends Sue and H’s on the Sunday for a wonderful meal, of which I did ok with but not brilliantly, I’d had a little wine so I did manage some more later on.
The house we stayed at was beautiful, a three story, four bed roomed palace, with huge kitchen living room, and games room. I really enjoyed staying there and left with a happier heart.
Monday night, and Paul went to play snooker, although he couldn’t as there was a ticket only night on and he came back after about 20 mins, it still didn’t stop me from having another go at my leg, I don’t know why I just couldn’t help it. I am just so overwhelmed at the moment. I went on the internet and blocked some of the people who have been draining my strength and emotions. I had to do it; I had to let them go. They were nice people with a few problems of their own but no matter what I did for them and how I tried to help them it never was enough, and they sapped my energy to a point when I just couldn’t do anything anymore.
To be blunt it was something I had been putting off for a long time, but I have now done it, and I am glad that I have, I feel much better.
Christmas day and we got up to open our few prezzie and cards off each other, then we went to my mums, Chris and Claire arrived a little later, and we opened all our gifts, and then the lads went out for a drink leaving us to open a bottle of wine.
I really enjoyed the day, we decided to stay over even though we had left spooky inside at the caravan, so I did have a lot more to drink but I was happy, well at least I thought I was.
We went to bed about 12, and Paul and I made love, of which he then felt my new scabs forming, He didn’t say anything to me till later on in the night, when then I freaked out, and went downstairs, and we sat and talked for a while. till 4 in the morning.
We did go back to bed, and then got up after9am. My mum was then up, and Paul decided he had to tell her what I have been doing to myself. My mum gave me a hug, but couldn’t understand why I would do it, and Paul told her I blamed myself for my Nans death. Why did he have to do that…..?
I left feeling very down hearted and totally exhausted, and when arriving at home, after having some dinner, went to bed till 4 that evening.
I had some wine left so I decided I would drink that after my tea, but I don’t think it helped me in anyway, I text my friend Sian asking her for her help, and to come down when her and Noel both had some spare time, to talk to her. I started crying on the phone and then Paul had to speak to her, I began to freak out even more, to the fact that everyone was now realising that I wasn’t handling all this as good as I was trying to portray.
All I want to do is not eat and numb all these emotions going on in my head, and try and just find a place where I can deal with everything, but I have to keep eating as I want to get better, and so I go and cut myself. I know none of it is good, but I am just so lost in the world right now.
I don’t know what happened much after that, I know I asked Paul to take me to the hospital, then I slunk off to cut myself again, but I couldn’t do much just one cut, as I then went and told Paul I wanted to hurt myself even more, he got me ready and we headed to Southport hospital.
I attacked my hand on the way there and managed to bite a hole in my skin. which didn’t bleed much but relieved some of my frustration?
I don’t remember much in the hospital, I know Paul was with me all the time, and I cried a lot and asked to be taken home, I freaked when the nurse came to asses me, and then when I was taken to the clinical decision unit, because that was where my nan had been only four weeks before.
I remember trying to go to sleep but I couldn’t, the nurses were talking and I then heard my name as the psychiatrist had arrived to see me, we went to a room and I talked for a while, with Paul there, the two women weren’t much help as they were from a different sector, and I wasn’t covered by them, so as long as Paul would look after me, and watch me when I went home, they were happy to let me go. I didn’t not feel safe at all and I still don’t, I still feel the urge to hurt myself even more.
I went to my own doctors at 830 the next morning, we waited to get an appointment and I couldn’t see my own doctor as he was full. I ended up seeing someone who couldn’t help me at all with my lack of sleep my bad thoughts and my meds.
Paul and I left and we went to Ormskirk hospital where I was then assessed by another really nice young woman, who then liaised withManchester.
I have had a few days rest and a few days to think about things,
My mum and Frank came up for a meal, and we talked a lot about the plans for my Nans house, about what we would like to do, and where we are going in the future.
I am so scared that everything will change so much this year, and my life isn’t what I want it to be at all. I am just this fat freak who can’t see what she is, and I hate myself. Hurting me is just a way I can deal with it, and punish myself for not getting better, and for not feeling how I should, and just to get out all the fucking frustration inside my head.
I can’t do this anymore, I can’t.
Please let me be alone, and sad and then I can just end this pitiful existence.
But the thing is I don’t want to die, that is just this stupid voice inside my head that doesn’t want me to think or feel anything, when at the moment I am feeling more that I ever have in my entire life.
Yes I am scared, and anxious, and everything….
But I will get there.
Sunday night and Sian and noel came up so I could talk to her, in the afternoon I had wanted to cancel it, and let her down, but I would only have been hiding away from everything, and I know that isn’t what I need either.
So we talked, she cried, I cried a little, but not enough, and Noel and Paul came back. Noel had struggled to keep up with Paul drinking and he was well gone, he is really funny when he has had a drink and I so love his Irish accent.
New years, eve.
We had a slow day I haven’t been able to do much and haven’t had any energy for it, we then went up to my brothers for a little while, and stayed for an hour, then we went to Southport to Paul’s friends John and Beata, we had some nice food, that John had prepared for us, and we sat talking and watching the tv, Sylvia fell asleep and then it was time to celebrate the new year.
And now it is 2008…..
So what does that mean, am I going to suddenly get better, I do not think so.
I have so much in my head right now, and the immortal ‘I have to hurt myself’
I am struggling not to, and struggling to keep myself sane.
I have spent most of the day cleaning our van and getting it ready for the move next week.
I am tired, and sad, and lower than ever.
I wish it was different, and I wish I could get past this horrible point in my life.
I know I will, I have to, I have a wonderful husband who I adore, and love so so much. And I have some wonderful friends who support me, and care for me.
I will beat this; I will beat it this year.
Love all of you… Dawn xxxx