Its been a very tough week, I realised that some of my thoughts, are really still not good, after getting my new meds, I took my first tablet far to early and was asleep at 5 pm, off and on and then in bed at 8pm… lol… I know I needed to sleep but I wasn’t expecting it to be straight away.
Anyways the hospital was good on Thursday, I know talking to Shirley is really helping, and to some of the other staff, I haven’t self injured, although the feelings are there, and I am talking about them now, which is good… Shirley assured me that even with everything that has happened over xmas that I am doing really good. I have made a lot of positive and strong decisions, like forcing Paul Riley out of the car. I as my child self, let my Adult take over and make the right decision instead of being bullied and letting him get in the car and come to Leyland with us.
In the other sense I have made some decisions to whom really is my friend, and who really isn’t. It has been hard to actually admit that certain people are there just because I am a nice person and generally would do lots of things for them, but I have admitted it now and put into practice ways to stop them from carrying on and doing that, and hurting me.
I know in what ever future I have I need certain things in life, and friends are one of them, but I need friends who take care of me as well as let me take care of them.
I haven’t been able to really open up and talk to any of my friends in the past, even with Sian it has been really difficult, and I have felt like by me putting my problems on her, that she will decide she doesn’t like me anymore, and she will run away.
I know that has come from my friends in childhood, Elaine did a similar thing and so did another friend Sally. A couple of other girls were there only for what they could get at the time, and one girl would ring me up and tell me specifically that I was the last person she had thought of to go out to the cinema with.. so she had rung me… I mean come on WHY did I put up with that at school, why didn’t I turn round and tell her that I was a person with feelings….
Nope I just was glad that someone wanted to actually go out with me and I went to the cinema with her…
I am so ashamed of the person I used to be, and the things people used to do to me…
I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t all the time, and that hurt me so much.
Is it a wonder really that I sat in my room making up stories about beautiful people who were loved and cared for, who had friends and relationships.
I did anything I could to try and hide from the shit reality that I had as a growing up young woman.
When one of my closest friends moved away, I was very hurt, she rang me a couple of times, and I rang her, but I didn’t know how hurt she was by her own life, while she was still living in my area, her parents had a very volatile relationship, and her mum was in hospital a few times as her dad had hit her.
I didn’t know at the time, but Louise, was anorexic, and very very down. She talked to me a few times about her family problems, and as I sort of connected with her, I saw her a lot more. My other friend Elaine, was upset and we fell out on numerous occasions, because I was with Louise and not her, I know she didn’t understand that her life was very different to ours.
I admit myself, because she was one of the closest friends I had, I got pretty jealous when she then started another friendship with a different girl, and maybe I did push her away.
When Louise was admitted to hospital for Anorexia, I didn’t really understand that was why she was in there, her tiny frame was under 5 stone, and even now looking back I can see when I was there she would eat some chocolate, but I also knew she made herself sick afterwards.
She was in hospital for a while and through the summer hols I went to visit her a few times, and stayed all day with her.
When she left I was very hurt, and even more so when I got a phone call the day before I started college, to say she had died.
People said that she committed suicide, and others said she choked on a piece of apple and drowned in the bath. I never found out the truth, I was just devastated. You see a few weeks before she had rung my house, and I hadn’t been there, and I never had the chance to ring her back, as my own life was going through so much, most of the time I did just hide in my room, hoping it would all be better some day.
I was very sorry for her, and I blamed myself for not being there for her, when I should have.
I know childhood friendships are very different from adult ones, but I craved it, and needed it so much I would take it from anyone who would pay me any sort of attention.
When Elaine and I really did fall out, I was in my second to last year at high school. She had a new boyfriend, and I just was to jealous and couldn’t cope with this fact, her boyfriend and her new friend were all that mattered to her, and I didn’t, I was possessive, but she was the only one who really had been my friend. I drove her away.
I remember the day like it was yesterday, we had an argument in school and that was it. She walked away from me, wouldn’t even look at me anymore, she stopped sitting with me in class, and no one else spoke to me either. I was completely on my own.
English was the hardest class of all. She made it perfectly clear to everyone in the class that she didn’t want to be associated with Big Fat Dawn Lloyd.
I ran out of my English class and hid in the toilets crying. Why was everything and everyone, turning me away? Was I so so bad, that I wasn’t worth anything?
I had no one……
It was 8mths, before she did actually speak to me. And it was because my granddad had passed away.
She had fallen out with her new friends, and needed someone to talk to, but I wasn’t being that person. Our friendship had ended and would never be the same, so I told her, and carried on my lonely existence.
My exams were a night mare, as mum and dad did nothing but argue, and when I left high school. I really did have no one to share my pain with.
Umm think I have written enough for now…
Love Dawn x