Big rant coming, you really don’t have to read. This is just everything in my head. and its better out here than inside me xx

So Sat night didn’t quite go as planned, in fact it wasn’t worth it at all.

So my nan isn’t well, and when my mum came she was in such a state, I gave her the biggest vodka I could without it being too obvious,

She is so worried over my nan and she had a huge argument with her brother, I just don’t know what to say, I don’t know what is going to happen in the next few months, but I know it isn’t going to be nice, for anyone, and least of all for Gerry, why does he have to be such an arse. I am so annoyed at him but couldn’t say anything, I am just the grand daughter, who sees everything and has to keep quiet.

He told my mum that my Nan shouldn’t have had the operation five years ago, when in the first place it was him who persuaded her…. FFS I want to scream he is an ignorant money grabbing B*****d and he doesn’t belong in our family.

My mum is so upset with everything it kind of spoilt sat night, but amazing enough for the first time, that actually stayed at our house, had a drink and watched a film (even though she fell asleep bless) I was shocked, but very happy they stopped the night. Something I don’t know why they just haven’t done before.

Sunday I went to visit my nan and yes she is very depressed and in a lot of pain, and she wants to die, there is no way else to say it, and I feel so sorry for her, I wish it was over, and she was free, but she isn’t, and we have to deal with it as best we can but the thing is I aint dealing with anything at the moment, and as Sian my friend found out last night, everything is going downhill rapidly.

I was upset about the whole weekend, couldn’t eat hardly anything yesterday and then had a load of wine, I spilled my guts to her something I never normally do, and something she hasn’t seen before, and I felt so bad, I felt so guilty for doing it.

I don’t know what I want at the moment, I am happy with my weight going down all the time, and I am happy not eating, but I am not happy with it….

This constant battle in my head to do anything that involves people and work and feeling is just doing me in, I want to get away from everything and I can’t. I want to hide, and I can’t.

I have to face it.

The hospital hasn’t rang me yet, but they were all deciding my future without even me being there, why they can do that. Why do they have that power, even I can’t decide what I want, why should they be able to?

I have everyone shouting at me at the moment for the weight loss, I feel so weak and everything is just futile, I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t.

I want to feel happy and I want to be free, but I am so scared, I am scared that if I begin to eat again, that I will pile the weight on, and I know this will happen and I can’t let it.

This voice in my head is just being so stupid, and I want to let it all go and be normal, but I cant,

this is annoying me so so so so much, and I wish it didn’t.

It cannot go on like this, and I can’t let it.

I am going to end up in an early grave, and I don’t want that, I don’t want to starve myself into nothing, but I can’t see a way around it.

Everything is out of control… please let me be.

Dawn xx