Breaking point and how to fix it.

Thankfully it really is friday, and this was my week.

It’s been a long one that’s for sure, although I can’t really point my finger as to the why. I guess it’s just my mindset.

I had two appointments this week at the doctors, the first with the nurse for my regular depo injection (contraceptive) where she weighed me and did my BP, I know my weight has crept up a bit since I hurt my back, and I’m sad about that from losing it all last year. My main concern is my BP and the fact it’s high for me. My elliptical came though and I’ve been getting back to exercise, so that is one positive.

Yes, I know, but even with watching the food, no alcohol and plenty of water, my BP is still high 140 over 93, where it used to be 120 over 70. It’s not dangerous, but I can feel the difference. I feel out of sorts.

My second appointment was with my doctor, to discuss some of the things bothering me. The accident and the pins and needles in my arm are from my neck she advised me to keep it warm for now, and gave me some more pain relief, just in case. The second thing we really talked about, was how I was feeling. The not sleeping for the last few months, November to now, is getting me down so much. I’m stressed with everything that has been going on at home, then I’m not sleeping, I’m more tired, I can’t be bothered, I’m wanting to starve myself so that I have some control and feeling, and yes, I’ve also had some very, very dark thoughts about other issues, like SI too. It’s not been good.

So, it was nice to talk to someone who actually did understand and listened to me, even if it was brief. I’ve been given an Anti depressant which also helps with sleep. As it makes you drowsy. I have to take this at night. I was a little concerned about taking it last night with driving today. Can’t drive if I’m falling asleep can I? but I’ve been okay. Side effects are I’ve wanted to eat. I’ve been so hungry today that I ate this morning and then again at dinner. So I am defo going to have to watch that. As I don’t want to get heavier either.

I have to give them a good try. I have to be able to get out of the rut that I’m in, or I’m going to end up back at the hospital. For one reason or another. And I don’t want that. So this is how I’ve managed it, I’ve known I’ve been getting to this point for a while, and it’s like I go the docs and I avoid it. But I didn’t this week. I allowed myself to feel. And for someone who doesn’t like to feel, this is a scary thing. Like crying is a scary thing, if you let yourself cry, you feel weak. And I’m not weak, I’m stronger than that, but I’ve also cried a few times this week to.

So yeah, breaking point. I don’t want to break – I want to be okay.

I will be okay. 🙂

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Last Sick day :)

Hey everyone 🙂 

Today is my official last sick day from breaking my elbow. It’s been a long road, and it’s really set me back a little. Not only the physical side of things but emotionally too. However, the good news is, I’m happy that I will soon be back at work and things this year will hopefully be vastly different. 

 

I must admit I wasn’t overtly happy getting on the scales this morning. But I needed to check what I’ve actually put on, and I knew I had. It’s not hard when you’re incapable of doing anything but walking to put on. I am really trying not to let that side of things get me down. I’ve agreed with a friend that we’ll do this together and that I have to shift weight put on, and weight I wanted to before that. Ideally getting to a goal which I know is good for me. I’ve a fair way to go. But our goal is similar. ED you can steer clear, this is going to be healthy. 

 

So as of today, I’m officially on a two week holiday 🙂 Whoo hoo. how exciting, not. It’s really not like being on holiday at all. You know that feeling when you’re so excited it’s you last day at work… well it doesn’t come close, sorry. 

I’ve two weeks to prep and get ready, so fingers crossed for me. I really wanted to get back to it sooner, but I’ll take this as good prep.

I’ve had some amazing support from here, thanks everyone. Going to make the most of my last two weeks off. 🙂 

 

Catch you soon. 

 

Dawn x x