10/08/07

 

 

😦

 

So thought I would leave a little message as we are almost ready to go, first to the eating disorder unit in Manchester, of which I am dreading…. 😦 😦 😦

 

I am scared in case they really don’t think they can help me, I am scared in case of everything.

 

Things are making me feel so low lately, even the messages here, from people who I now know care about me, and are my friends, make me cry, I cant help feeling like this, that I am so bad, and that no one, should ever bother with me.

 

But I do know it’s the illness I suffer with as well, everything about me at the moment, is dictated by food, and I hate it more than anything… The whole thought of it is killing me.

 

Yesterday I think was one of my worst days, I had nothing but time to think about things, and food was at the pinnacle of my mind.

 

To be so hungry and yet deny yourself everything is the most annoying and stupid thing ever, but I don’t know why, I have to. It’s like a button has been switched on in my head, and at the moment, that’s my punishment.

 

I wish it could all be different, I wish that I didn’t have this thing inside me that wanted me to suffer so much.

 

I am sure I am not that bad a person, that my life will one day mean something, and that all of this is worthwhile.

 

For Neo and Nex, I wanted to say a big thank you. From the start both of you have been a great support, and no matter where the two of you are in the world, you are two of the most wonderful and nicest people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. One day I know I will get to meet you both….

 

For Stewart and the clan, you are some of the most gifted people I know, as writers and as friends; I thank you for all your support to.

 

Martin, well what can I say, each time I have spoken to you, you have managed to make me smile, and laugh, and I am thankful for your friendship especially.

For everyone else, some of who I have only just met, I still want to say thanks.

 

Please all have a wonderful weekend, and do something nice for the people you love. (Or have them do something for you) heheheh

 

Take care all, and I will catch you later.

 

Dawn xxx

03/08/07

Hey everyone.

 

Just a quick report, been a long day, and thanks to all my friends this week who have been dropping by, means a lot… specially nex and her other half…. Lycanguyver, clare, Hannah, and a few others.

 

Today has been ok, felt a bit wobbly this morning, haven’t eaten much at all this week, and believe me the scales are telling me so to, at this rate in 10 weeks I will be at my lowest weight again, and I know that’s not good news.

I also self harmed a little this week, which is really bad.

 

When I feel so low, and can’t get the thought out of my head, I can only fight it for so long. It’s like thinking of food. It haunts my every waking second, and even in the night, too. I had several bad dreams last night, which then kept me awake, so I am even more exhausted.

 

I also have been horse riding again, for 45 mins this time, and with cantering to, really I shouldn’t have done, as I wasn’t up for it, but I couldn’t let them Michelle down, and I do really enjoy it.

 

I went for a drink with my friend but never got much chance to talk about me, she never stopped talking about other things, but I think that’s just as she hasn’t seen me properly for a while, I won’t leave it for long before I speak properly about myself, but then again, why should I?

 

I think the only people I am honest with are you guys here, and my friendSian, and even then talking to her takes some doing.

Paul of course knows how bad it is, but I don’t really talk to him about it on a day to day basis.

 

I know when I see the doctor for my assessment next week I am going to be honest. I have to be, which is hard but I know I have to do it.

 

Anyways, one good thing I have been accepted to go on the 12th of October for the next filming project, so fingers crossed I will pull something out of my hat, and I will get a little further this time. Maybe they will make my film instead of my friends.

Sianwont be there as she is to busy but I can and will stand on my own two feet.

 

Off for a few drinks now, and a good nights rest, am really going to do nothing tomorrow apart from clean and do some brainstorming on ideas for short films…………..

 

Take care all. Love ya

 

Dawn xxxxxxxx

01/08/07

 

Yes am not on to a good week.

Got my letter from the hospital, and have to go next Friday, so am already getting nervous, I hate going to places like that, but if I want to get help then I have to.

I had a friend put a lot of pressure on me over the weekend, and I am going to have to sort this problem out, as it’s not getting any easier. No matter how I say ‘can I please have some space, I am sick at the moment,’ she just doesn’t get it. And the stupidity of it was she wanted to take me to an all you can eat Chinese buffet this week, and then had the nerve to tell me I couldn’t say no.

Well I did say no, that’s for sure, I am going to see her this Friday and am going to have to say something. I know she wants to see me, but come on; she just isn’t getting the picture…

Had another letter today as well. Got an invite from first take, to go for an interview in October, for their next filming project.

I am unsure as to whether I can get time off for it, but I am going to try…

Hope everyone else’s week is better than mine…

Love Dawn xx