So thought I would leave a little message as we are almost ready to go, first to the eating disorder unit in Manchester, of which I am dreading…. 😦 😦 😦
I am scared in case they really don’t think they can help me, I am scared in case of everything.
Things are making me feel so low lately, even the messages here, from people who I now know care about me, and are my friends, make me cry, I cant help feeling like this, that I am so bad, and that no one, should ever bother with me.
But I do know it’s the illness I suffer with as well, everything about me at the moment, is dictated by food, and I hate it more than anything… The whole thought of it is killing me.
Yesterday I think was one of my worst days, I had nothing but time to think about things, and food was at the pinnacle of my mind.
To be so hungry and yet deny yourself everything is the most annoying and stupid thing ever, but I don’t know why, I have to. It’s like a button has been switched on in my head, and at the moment, that’s my punishment.
I wish it could all be different, I wish that I didn’t have this thing inside me that wanted me to suffer so much.
I am sure I am not that bad a person, that my life will one day mean something, and that all of this is worthwhile.
For Neo and Nex, I wanted to say a big thank you. From the start both of you have been a great support, and no matter where the two of you are in the world, you are two of the most wonderful and nicest people I have ever had the privilege of meeting. One day I know I will get to meet you both….
For Stewart and the clan, you are some of the most gifted people I know, as writers and as friends; I thank you for all your support to.
Martin, well what can I say, each time I have spoken to you, you have managed to make me smile, and laugh, and I am thankful for your friendship especially.
For everyone else, some of who I have only just met, I still want to say thanks.
Please all have a wonderful weekend, and do something nice for the people you love. (Or have them do something for you) heheheh
Take care all, and I will catch you later.