14/11/07

 

Yes had a good day, part from my husband going on and on about how I am going to get locked up because I am heading that way, I cant understand myself so how I understand him.

Self harm a very touch subject, and one I know he hates, hence why I don’t want to tell him after of before the effect but I want him to help me stop it….

I can’t win…

I am going to lose everything I ever wanted this year I know it…

Anyways,

here is to me and finding all my old things….

made a right mess but it was good fun….

13/11/07

 

Im a little tired and fed up of being fed up,
I know it sounds crazy but when you are real low all the time, you do get tired of it.

I haven’t had an easy few days, my nan wasn’t well when we got there, and insisted she would be ok until the doc would come out and see her on the Monday, anyways I wasn’t convinced, so spoke twice to my mum and in the end mum took the day off to be with her, as she never tells the whole story to the doc when he does turn up,

I set off on my travels to Manchester, and boy it was freezing, more so than today, and my little feet couldn’t go any quicker than they did, I think I virtually ran to the hospital.

Wow, anyways, I was as honest as I could have been, I told, Cath, and Susan that I had had a rough few days, and what I had done, it wasn’t nice but they asked to see my wound, and I think were a bit shocked, I should have gone to a and e, but no way, anyhow it was healing ok, by Monday. I went through with them and then had a good talk with the dietician, about my meal plan, and the feelings that I am getting huge, are still there even though I know the evidence (i.e. am still losing weight) is in black and white. The hospital scales have to be spot on, as some of the girls there weigh a lot lot less than me, for them their weight is dangerously low.

Anyhow, the day went ok, I rang my mum, and nan had to be sent to hospital, after all my trying to get her there the doc rushed her in anyways, silly old bat, she is just like me stubborn.

So I haven’t been great, I have felt a lot better, and, I know I have a long way to go.

I had a talk with Paul last night about the self harm and he has agreed if I tell him how I am feeling about it then he will help distract me, i.e. go for a drive or a walk, obviously depending on the weather.

Been to the hospital to visit my Nan this morning, and she is doing a bit better, she hopes to come out tomorrow, but we shall see.

And now am sat at home chilling, done some writing yesterday and now got to type it up.

Take care all. Dawn xx

11/11/07

 

 

So last night I went out to my friend Beata’s birthday party, yes there was food there, and I did ok, I had a little to eat, and didn’t make a huge thing about it.

Polish food is great though, they make so many good things from scratch, like your mum used to, and its really good food.

I wouldn’t know what to call the things but they were just nice.

John and Beata didn’t want us to leave, but at 1am I was tired and hadn’t had a drink, because I was driving, so it was a little weird as everyone else is drunk you know, you’re not on the same wave length are you.

Oh well, it was good to get out for a bit, so now am sat in my pyjamas and waiting to pack my stuff for the hospital tomorrow, I don’t want to go, but I know I have a lot to sort out.

Take care my friends.

Dawn xx

06/11/07

 

Yeah so this is a little awkward to write,

I am stuck now in the middle of a big war, a war in my head.

I don’t know who is going to win it, but I know I am not giving in.

I want so much to be happy, I want so much to be free,

I want the life I should have, and not this inner pain….

Yesterday wasn’t so bad, I am finding it easier as I get to know everyone in day care, so that is good. They are all so nice, and I know it is just as hard for them as it is for me. At least by me being open and honest, it might help them.

I am following my plan although it really is beginning to make me freak out about weight gain, although I know its so stupid I cant help but worry over everything I put in my mouth, and I am so tempted to not do it.

I have managed to do a little bit of writing, which means my concentration is slowly getting there, but it’s not what I should be doing. Really it should be finished and back in New York, grrr, but I can’t be angry with myself too much. That wouldn’t help me.

I have had a lot of support off my family about everything, and my mum is sooo sweet, lol, she sent me a text yesterday asking how her baby was. Lol soft woman,

Anyways, Paul is wonderful, he asks how I am all the time, and is always trying to help me with my food. Which is so hard but I know I need it.

It is my medicine and I need it to get better.

Am a little tired today, but only as I didn’t sleep much over the last week or so, I am feeling a little more positive, but the fight is really only just beginning, and I know I have a long way to go.

Keep smiling everyone; love to you all

Dawn xxx

10/11/07

 

Friday,

ummm well wasn’t as good a day as I knew it wouldn’t be, I was literally exhausted and I ended up cutting again.

I feel so useless, and I can’t seem to fight this much longer, eating is just horrible, and I really need to sort it out but I can’t seem to.

Im going to have to talk to them on Monday and try and work this through, I knew it would be hard but I didn’t think it would be this bad.

I don’t want anyone to know that it is so hard, but I cant do it on my own, but how can I talk to people, how can I say I feel so bad, that I take a razor to my leg. Oh my god I can’t….

This isn’t how I want my life to be, this isn’t how anyone’s life should be.

There are people out there who are suffering with illnesses they can’t cure, and I suffer with the most pathetic thing in the world, a fear of food.

I don’t understand it, so how can anyone else…

jeeze, I am taking part in a study on Monday, with a lovely lady I met on Thursday, she is studying the effects of eating disorders and how places like Cheadle Royal help.

Well I hope me talking about everything will at least let others into how the mind works. Its one crazy thing.

Writing and letting go of feelings helps, so I will keep on plodding on, letting things out.

Dawn

keep safe all of you

Xx